I hope my female friends here know what I mean when I asked about a guys view on this. The whole Mars/Venus thing. Either way, you're still right. It was abusive of him and I need to let him do the work on this now.
WCW, I too thought his text could mean a bunch of different things.....he's sorry about what happened. Well, sorry about what he did, sorry that he didn't get to see D afterall, sorry I called the police? There's a bunch of different choices there.
I have to remember that D saw this and was scared sh*tless. She nows hates her dad. Sad, but it's how she feels. She thought he was trying to kill me. I have to remember this to stand strong.
First off, even though I am now divorced, I am solidly pro-marriage and DB.
Your H crossed a line. He physically abused you and verbally and mentally abused your daughter. There is ABSOLUTELY no excuse for that. MLC? Alcohol? I say BS. No excuse.
He needs help. He's near rock bottom and I feel sorry for him. However, IMO, you need to take a hard line with him. DO NOT contact him. Do not respond to him unless necessary. He needs to understand and live with the consequences of his actions. You let him off the hook too easy, my friend. It's time for tough love. I would have pressed charges.
The basis for real love is respect. He needs to earn yours not automatically get it.
You are in my prayers.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Thanks Drew. It's good to hear that a man is saying the same thing as a female would in this sitch. I didn't want to post the whole text convo and what happened at my house, but I felt I had to. I needed advice and I got great advice at that!
Unfortunately H is to watch D for 4 days of her holiday break from school. That starts next week. The days he can watch her are the day after Christmas, the following Monday and Tuesday and then again the Friday after New Years. I wish I could afford to have someone else watch her. At least I know they'll be at my house.
P.S. I thought your text exchange of Sunday was right on!!! He's been yanking your chain for so long I was proud to see you stand up to him. You told him nothing but the truth so good for you. Too bad that he didn't like it. Welcome to reality.
That was something that had to happen. Now be still and stop worrying about him. Stop trying to figure out what he means by his texts. You can't. Leave him be.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
I don't think he should automatically get to watch her based on his recent actions. And I don't think it's unreasonable to get him to sign something that he won't drink in her presence etc.
And his suicide threats REALLY bother me. Your daughter's safety outweighs any other consideration.
I would see a lawyer.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
I think it's funny you said I finally stood up to him. I thought FOR SURE I would get slammed here by tons of 2x4's for being so b*tchy to him in the text messages!
I don't think he threatened suicide. I was the one that said I wanted to kill myself. Maybe I read his hopeless comment as non-suicidal though. Is that the comment you're referring to as his suicide threat?
Unfortunately, I'm the one that needs him to watch D during holiday break. My cousin is watching her for the first 2 days, I'm off the other days and he's watching her for those 4 days. I'm paying my cousin $50-60 per day to watch her and I can't afford for her or any sitter to watch her like that each day since that's the dollar amounts they want (some want even more). I'm already sol on funds and this is going to put me back a bit. Although, I do plan on asking H to give me the money to pay my cousin since he did that over turkey break too.
Drew, you suggested I see a lawyer. To divorce? The 2 lawyers I've consulted with both have told me in my state it's either full on divorce or marriage. There's no legal seperation here. I also can't afford a lawyer since they want about $1k per month.
Sorry, I misread the text exchange. You had two messages in a row and that threw me. You need to go see your counselor right away if thoughts of suicide still cross your mind. Nothing is EVER that bad. I'm living proof. Your life may not turn out the way you planned, but it WILL get better. If you make it so.
Here's my take - you've been using a DB technique for a long time, that being the "I'm so good why wouldn't you want to be with me" deal. What results has that gotten you? "We'll talk next week about what I've been thinking about ..." from your H.
You did a 180. You stood up to his BS and I commend you for it. Based on how you said the text exchange went, you weren't bitchy, you just told him the truth. Too bad that he didn't like it. Somewhere down the road, he'll respect you for it. No matter what happens.
I thought you should see a lawyer to protect your daughter while she's in his care. And I live in IL, remember? Does your daughter have a way to get in contact with you at all times?
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
I forgot you live in IL too Drew. Cold here, isn't it? We're about 6 degrees now, but the windchill brings us to the negatives. YUCK!
D has my cell number memorized. So she can call me anytime. I can also go home for lunch since I work 5 min from home. And I will be going home for lunch.
I think it's funny you said I finally stood up to him. I thought FOR SURE I would get slammed here by tons of 2x4's for being so b*tchy to him in the text messages!
Dar, there are times to stand up, times to be bitchy, times to diffuse, and times to avoid. The really tough part is knowing when the time is right for each one.
There is plenty of blame to share for you and your H. One of you should have been grown up enough to walk away from it. The result is that your D now has a horrid memory etched in her brain that will last a life time.
Going forward now you need to put a plan in place so that episodes like this won't happen again. Set up the prearranged visitation schedule and if your H misses his pick up time he is SOL. Let him know that in advance. No txt convos follow that escalate to a physical scrimmage. Set a boundary and keep it. Stop being sucked down to his level.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
H emailed me a few minutes ago saying "We need to talk, but it must be in a public place. Ill be out tomorrow and we can go to McDonalds or whatnot. I'm not going through this again."
So it sounds like he's definately blaming me and not taking any fault to being so angry, physical, etc.
I don't even want to talk to him. I want to start thinking he's never coming back.
