You said you think A needs control. I also think A presently has control and you have really attempted to honor his need for control. The consequence of that imbalance could certainly offer a sense of angst and uncertainty. That is why it is so important that you find confidence in those areas that you do have control!
Whether in job performance, friendships, other interests, spiritual pursuits, or education - trying to balance your life so you do have a sense of accomplishment and healthy control is very important at this point. This time in your relationship could make anyone feel helpless. Reminding yourself that you are a confident and strong woman - that is who you are after all, right? - needs to be pursued in other areas at this time.
Regarding the comment about sitting him down and talking to him, you certainly can do that at anytime. You can decide (after weighing the pros and cons and deciding if it worth if for you) that at any time you have that control over the relationship!
By the way, power/control differences probably exist on some level (and that's not all bad) in most relationships. But, as you are honoring A's need for control (and not pursuing him to clarify what he wants relationship-wise), there is less communication, therefore less ability to understand what he needs from you right now. So, it makes sense you'd have a hard time knowing how to get close to him right now. It seems that as long as you are dedicated to be patient and then watching for opportunities to connect with him - that may be all that is in your control in this R right now.
As you said, there is more connection now than before. So, there are more opportunities to make those moments you do have as positive as possible. So, my support as you seize each moment you've got, JoJo!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
1.) Feeling liked; people tell me that I look good a.) I feel plain, but I love that they tell me
2.) Today, I love my job. a.) I feel good at it; I focus well at it.
3.) The roommate situation is excellent. a.) We have very nice conversations. b.) We enjoy each other's company.
4.) I found out that 'A' came into work yesterday morning. a.) My friend told me today that he asked for me. b.) I'm kinda' glad that I wasn't working at that time. c.) It made me feel better that he was looking for me; I like it.
5.) I feel more organized. 6.) I feel more in control. 7.) I feel less chaotic (especially since 'm' isn't in my life.
It seems that as long as you are dedicated to be patient and then watching for opportunities to connect with him - that may be all that is in your control in this R right now.
I was talking to my roommate yesterday, being still and watching, but also being and feeling positive is a very good thing for me. Inside, I want to do what the world tells me to do regarding 'A'. However, I really do think that as difficult as it is, it is important to me for 'A' to initiate. As I have watched this new pattern unfold, it gives me a strong feeling of relief. Even though it is a roller-coaster ride, I can look back and see that I/we have accomplished some goals.
Allowing 'A'to walk toward me has given me strength to trust him. I feel that we are just starting to form a new behavior. Standing back is tough for me. While being still, I have seen movement on his part. Each time, he looks for me and initiates, it gets easier for me. I am starting to wonder if the watching and waiting period will get smaller and smaller.
So, I think I made a good decision. I don't feel so powerless as I thought I was. I am now starting to feel a good sense of control. My goal was for him to want to initiate and connect with me. I have fought the urge these past few months, but being still (even though quiet) is still a positive movement. I like watching him make his steps. I think it will get easier as he gets closer. I want to continue on this path.
Hi . . . seizing each moment . . . with more opportunities.
I hope so.
Today's Thots:
1.) His initiation is so important to me. a.) I believe that this new behavior is good for both of us. b.) I need to see it & he needs to do it.
2.) At some point, I will do some initiation. a.) I am feeling more and more confident to make the call. b.) I have to be in the most positive frame of mind.
3.) My life is developing to a point where I feel a strong sense of individuality. a.) I just want it to be shared with him.
4.) I have a feeling in my heart that good things are going to happen for the two of us. a.) Today someone told me, re: another subject, that turtle steps are often times that best ways to getting to your goal. I told him that I needed to hear that and I thanked him.
1.) I sent away for a class schedule to continue with my studies (job will pay).
2.) Once a month, I have a habit to go to the mall because I get my hair done. My ritual is to treat myself with one or two cosmetics that I need. Because my finances are in good order again, I want to filter in my routine clothes shopping. I need new clothes very badly.
3.) Revolving social life around learning about wine & cheese.
4.) Horseback riding is still on the list, but work schedule does not permit it. Also, it is too much of a luxury for me right now. It’s expensive at the moment.
5.) The next thing I treat myself with is a masseuse.
6.) I still want to have a better eating habit. I try to suppress my stress by eating. I don't drink enough water.
7.) I am still feeling good about what I am learning and achieving at work. It takes up a lot of my time.
My ultimate goal:
'We help to make each other all that we can be. 'We can find our strength and inspiration independently.'
'Love isn't something that we are 'IN'. It is something that we 'DO'. - C. Black
I pray that he learns to appreciate that this simple vow that we made to each other is not only a commitment, but it is also a covenant that I do not find easy to break based on feelings.
'Waiting' is tormenting. 'A' never really initiated too much. He has always been great at returning calls. He lives spur of the moment.
I wonder what is going through his head. Sometimes, I just want to ask him what the big deal is. I want to tell him all the things that I have been advised not to say--I miss you, come home, let's do fun stuff together, come on, don'tya wanna be with me forever and ever...buddy...huh?
still nothing . . . no call . . . nothing . . . I'm not sure how long I can be strong. I have gone from believing to feeling doubtful, foolish, & very, very sad.
1.) I have fought all my urges to initiate. a.) I talk to myself b.) I write c.) I cry d.) I txt my friend e.) I think the worst and then I push myself some more to think positive thoughts
2.) On my calendar for today, it states: contact with 'A'. 3.) I pushed myself this morning to try to trust that he will call.
4.) On schedule, he called ... a.) We shared stories b.) We laughed c.) When we hung up, I had mixed feelings (happy & sad)
5.) I fought urges to call him right back.
6.) I miss him . . . something must be working even though turtle steps.
Another Christmas ... I used to think that I'd feel better if he'd just call me. I do feel a tiny bit better, but the heart ache is still there. He is going to spend Christmas with a friend and his family down on the Cape. I wanted to tell him 'what about me'...'do you think that all of this is about you, only'? What did I say to him ... 'oh that's nice 'A''...'I'm glad you will be with him and his family...so nice' Meanwhile, Christmas eve, I'll go home from work...cry and want to sleep most of Christmas day. I don't want to make plans because I'd rather be alone.
Meanwhile...I still can't eat right. My stress is sky high. I want to talk to him about my parents (they are not doing well). Their spirits and health are very low. I'm very worried about them. He told me about his mother needing an operation. I didn't even get to tell him that so does mine! So little time on the phone!!!! Very frustrating!!!
Hi . . . I try to carry on with my life . . . I made cookies and set up my tree. (tough without him) I know that my goals are being met, even if they are very small ones.
Update:
1.) Before Thanksgiving, 'A' ordered blinds for his condo through me. 2.) One half of his order came in. 3.) I did something different...since I am taking a few days off, I txt him to tell him that he can pick up the order without me with him, if he wanted. a.) Usually, I would tend to want to do everything to try to be there to see him. Lately, I have purposely tried to show him that I respect my own independence. 4.) I still hate all this stuff. 5.) Lately, I have found out that he surprises me. 6.) The times in between talking to him are very tough. 7.) I miss him.
Even though very slowly, things are changing for the better. I am having a tough time because my parents have been struggling with health issues. It makes me feel very sad and very alone.
