Partner left after 9 years - now what?

[RefuseToLose]

Ali,

I understand the heartbreak. I really do. My heart was broken by my XW and now it breaks as I see what her selfish actions and her suppressed insecurities is doing to my D. Heartbreak is a common component for those of us left here behind.

You weren't sure what happened, but you actually answered your own question:

he doesnt love himself

BINGO! That is what happened. It is all about him, and has NOTHING to do w/you, my dear. See, coming from a perspective of a person who's own personal self-loathing caused me to ignore some of the beautiful things in my life and marriage, I know where BF is.

He doesn't love himself at all. Period. End of story. See, I was the same way and until I got help and discovered not only am I an alright guy, but I'm a pretty good dad to my daughter too, I constantly filled my days w/pessimism and negative self-talk.

Your BF is just as lost as I was. In fact, the smiling, happy BF you used to know was a charade. I'll be that was a farce b/c deep down, he hated himself. It may not have been conscious, but it was in his head. You just don't wake up one day and decide I'm going to loathe who I am. Nope. It is built up in you over time. It goes back to how you were raised.

How can I guess his happiness wasn't genuine, b/c mine wasn't either. In fact, when I told my mother how miserable I was as a kid and how I thought of suicide several times but didn't have the guts (or balls - I was a bit of a late bloomer, you know) to do it, she was completely shocked. She said there was NO WAY she'd have guessed I was even remotely unhappy as a kid b/c I was always smiling, having fun and making sure things were running smoothly.

I suspect your BF is the same way.

As I look back, I'm so glad I was too afraid to end my life b/c of all life has to offer. I never truly came close enough to killing myself, but the thoughts of wanting to die did haunt me throughout high school.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is two-fold:

One, PLEASE stop blaming yourself for anything as it is all him and him alone here. Again, I speak from experience as he expected his relationships to go badly b/c he "didn't deserve them." My former thoughts exactly.

Two: He's not going to get any better until he chooses to look in the mirror and seek help and change. That is the cold, hard fact of it. My XW's telling me about being unhappy and thinking of a D pushed me into C, but it wasn't until I discovered her A that I began to let go and allow for walls to come down and real change to begin.

I'm sorry, love. I wish it were different. I wish there was a Hollywood ending for your sitch - Hell, I'd even take a Bollywood ending if it was a good one. The happy ending can still come, but it won't come by your hand, I'm afraid. There isn't much more you can do. The ball is completely in his court and only he can decide on change.

For now, continue to be his friend, but try not to stop and hold your breath for a quick fix. I'd hate to see you turn purple and pass out, you know.

RTL

[Silver Fox]

Ali,

Haven't posted to you in awhile. RTL's post is beautiful. I'm brokenhearted too - and I'm waiting, waiting, waiting for my H to hit rock bottom and realize what he's done. But during the waiting and the no contact, I'm beginning to heal and to see my H in a different light, see that in fact he doesn't love himself either. He's involved with a needy, insecure, ocd nut - and I guess right now that makes him feel like a useful man because he's "helping" her.

Anyway, what RTL said - only your BF can decide on change.

[Cyrena]

Hi Ali,

I was curious how long it's been since your BF's father died? My H's MLC was actually triggered by a very similar event. In his case, his mother was in a coma, but the doctors decided to "pull the plug" because they declared her brain dead. She looked healthy, peaceful, quite normal, just as though she was sleeping. With her family gathered around her they switched off the ventillator--and they all had to watch her gasp for air, flail around, etc. It was horrible.

My H slipped immediately into the first of those 6 stages, Denial. The C explained that he switched himself off, because he was overwhelmed. The remainder of the MLC was an attempt not to have to examine his mixed emotions towards his mother: she was on the one hand fiercely loving, generous and loved to laugh, while on the other she could be controlling, angry, abusive even. His self-worth as a child had been tied up in winning her approval, and hating himself when he felt it was his fault he'd provoked her wrath. (Even though he's passed thru his MLC, I'm not sure he fully recognizes all this.)

In my H's case, he passed through all those stages, much slower than I would have liked. I spent a lot of time agonizing about where he was, how long had passed and how much longer until he exited "the tunnel." But, no amount of love and compassion could have "speeded up" his journey, or shielded him from the pain he eventually had to face. Besides, he NEEDED to feel that pain in order to grow.

Please believe what your friends are telling you, that you can't help your BF, except by detaching from him. If you knew that, x years down the line, he would be out of the tunnel, transformed and matured by his experience, how would you live your life? Wouldn't you want to make the most of those x years, creatively, socially, etc.? If you connected again at that point, you would not feel you'd "wasted" those years waiting for him. Or, by then you might have met someone else ...

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Rob... thank you so much for being honest and sharing all that! I feel for you, and it was helpful. My ex does have self hatred, he has told me himself and feels he is worthless, as recently as a month ago he said he was nothing. He really needs to get more help! I guess perhaps he didnt feel worthy of my love, seems perverse though, doesnt it? My therapist said its textbook though, shes seen it time and time again.

Like you, I had alot of issues that left my body, with the shock of him ending it. So we were lucky, we fastracked and skipped 3 years of therapy! I do want to be his friend, but looks less likely by the day.

Hey Silver, nice to see you back..your H also seems to have chosen an innapropriate woman? Why do they do that !?? Affair down I think they call it? Thanks for posting..it all helps!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Cyrena, thank you so much for your insightful post. How long was your H in the MLC? He's back now?

My ex's dad died end July 2005. By the time we went on a holiday in Sep 05, he had stopped talking about his Dad!! He became very moody and withdrawn, but said he had done all of his grieving when his dad was in the coma. I had to remind myself he was bereaved as he was so shut off and just wouldnt talk. I had to gently persuade him to start sorting out his Dads house, as it was mortgaged yet empty, so we renovated it May-Sept 06, 5 months of hard work. In hindsight it was too much, too soon, but he wanted to do it.

We were doing up our house at the same time.. right up until we moved away to Cornwall late September 06. He was still withdrawn and now I realise, depressed, but kept blaming pressures of his new job here and the rain. I then, sadly, made him renovate a flat here Apr-May 07, 6 weeks of hard work, at the end of which he said he "snapped".. he also met Helen at this time, late May 07 and worked with her for 2 weeks in early June. He never 'came back' from that and by August he told me he was unhappy and wanted space.

Thats the potted version! As well, in March 07, he told his Mum we were getting M and having kids.. in April he said to me, lets do it, lets get M, in May 07 he said he wanted to give up work and be with me all day long as he missed me.. late May/June, he snapped/and or/ met Helen. Not sure!

Although he said he wasnt interested in her last year, he is now with her, still is and despite being unhappy. As we are not M, have no kids, there isnt that thread of hope between us. Although it was like a M and we still own our joint properties and have joint finances.. which he has never mentioned!!

[Cyrena]

Wow--your BF's story sounds a lot like my H's. He, too, didn't seem to grieve, just went into a wierd sort of apathy. It was as though there was a glass barrier between us that I just couldn't penetrate. After a few months he went into the "Anger" stage, and was constantly angry about everything (including about aches and pains that suddenly attacked him all over). But in between bouts he'd claim he was perfectly happy with our life together ... until he started taking every excuse possible to be sent through work to another city. There, of course, he met his EA at work.

I know it's hard not to take the OP personally--like, what's she got that I haven't? How can he do certain things with her that he refuses to do with me? Why can't he see her (pretty glaring) faults? I certainly spent a long time in all that. But, looking back, H had become dead inside, from all the grief and unexpressed emotions he was hiding from, and all he was looking for was someone that would make him feel alive again.

In H's case, the OW was partly a replay of how he never felt good enough for his mother (OW rejected him as a BF, but also refused to let go of him as her "BMF"), and also, there was so much drama in her life that he could focus on helping her, and advising her and comforting her and take refuge from his own life by obsessing about hers. My feeling is that he didn't entirely see her for who she was, but projected onto her all the qualities he wanted her to have. (And ignored all the dysfunctions--they could all be blamed on external circumstances.)

Yes, H did come back from his MLC. About 4 years after his mother's death, he said he wanted to work on our marriage. It was at least another 6 months before he was really himself (actually, a new & improved more confident self) again. However, without good counselling (primarily before he exited the tunnel) it would have been considerably longer, I believe.

I suspect your BF has quite a way to go, still, and several years of MLC ahead of him. Whether or not he finds the strength to face himself is completely outside your control, though. Take the time for yourself, if you can.

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks for posting Cyrena!! I started out in Jan not sure if he was MLC, but now.. !

OMG! My ex was apathetic in the exreme too, and then angry. Then he threw himself into the new job here and kept saying he was tired. He wouldnt admit he was depressed but it became increasingly obvious to me.

He actually told me, Aug 07 before the bomb, that he felt wierd, empty and dead inside. He was dreaming about his dads corpse and couldnt sleep (I only found that out though, as he had googled it). He just told me again a month ago "forget me, I am dead, I'm dead".. meaning, dead inside still I guess.

He met Helen at work, but at first complained she wasnt very bright and a bit annoying (but laughed at all his jokes). His friends dont like her, she is promiscious and drinks alot and is apparently boring and self-involved and aggressive. She looks like a less pretty version of me apprarently!

His Mum is also domineering, cold and critical. She phones him all the time, to talk about herself and never ever listens to him, she is very selfish. She dominated his Dad and ruined his life (left him for his best friend, 18 years old lad, 18 years her junior!). Every gf he had, bar me, was what you might term a "bitch", domineering and giving him a limited love. Opposite of me!

Interesting your theory.. they get OW to make themselves FEEL something, to feel alive, even in pain with a difficult woman is feeling soemthing isnt it. I get that now. I am in therapy as I wonder 'what is wrong with me?? Why has he replaced me for her!? How long did it take you to get over that feeling??

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Ali - just dropping by

Intersting convo about domineering mothers - my H's mom too!!

Question for both of you. Do you think you got too close to your H or BF, know them too well, so it was uncomfortable for them, so they had to pull away?? That is my H I believe. My H's life has never been that great - w/me I think it was for awhile & he didn't know what to do - new territory & all, so he returned to what he was comfortable with, being poor & struggling (both inside & out).

Any thoughts????

[mishka422]

My H's life has never been that great - w/me I think it was for awhile & he didn't know what to do - new territory & all, so he returned to what he was comfortable with, being poor & struggling (both inside & out).

HOLY COW!!! That's exactly what I've been saying to my friends about XH this entire time! I told them he has returned to his roots! He grew up in the projects of East Los Angeles and now he's living in the projects of Fayetteville! NASTY place, no supportive, loving family (his is completely dysfunctional and full of alcoholics), we won't even talk about his gf's paralell's to the women in his family, etc.. Good grief! They do go back to what they know because they can't handle what was actually good for them.

Ali - your BF is completely messed up sweetie. You are going to have to decide how close to the situation you even want to be. You can't allow your concern for him to drag you down into the depths. You are too young, beautiful, and spunky to allow that! Be you, be great, flirt outrageously, try internet dating, take another class, be fabulous! Either he will sort his crap out or he won't. Either way, you will be the better for having lived.

[Kalni]

Just try Adonis!!!
S