Well last night I was reading a book about how to heal and get rid of anger and resentment and move on to try and heal your relationship, whether your together or not.
Here is what I wrote:
H, These past few weeks have been extremely hard. I think that has been evident in our conversations and interactions. I hope you know that the words I spoke over the past several weeks were out of anger, hurt, frustration and really just from a dark place. At this point all I want you to know is that I will continue to work on learning to trust you. I am not going to do this because you and I will ever be together, I know we won't. I am doing this because I want to. I don't like the person I am when I can not trust you. It is my desire to learn to forgive all that has happened because I don't like the bitterness or the cynical way I act when I feel like I can not have faith in you. That is not the person I was when we met and I do not want to live like that going forward. I also want you to know that as much as I do not want you to leave my life, I accept and understand that it is your wish to do so. So please be happy. Live your live knowing you will always be loved. Live knowing that you were always loved. As of now, I no longer think of you as my husband, my lover, or the person who should be here with me. You are now just ..., a man I loved more than life. A superior father, a great friend, and a very dedicated worker. Goodbye ... - I say this so you know I am letting you go. You are out of my life as you wished. It is the hardest goodbye letter I think I will ever write in my life, as I still do not want to say that to you. But you are right it is necessary. You need to be free. You need to go on and do what makes you happy. And in time I will do the same. I will not fight you anymore. I don't have it in me to fight someone I love and care about so much.....
That was my letting him go letter, I needed to let him know that I couldn't keep the anger going anymore because it was eating me up. I love him with all my heart but I can not continue to fight with him. If he needs to be out of my life than I will have to learn to accept that. As unnatural as it was to write that letter and as hard as it was to do, it needed to be done.
He sent me back a text, saying he got it but needed time to process what I was saying. I thought it was pretty clear. I am not sure what needs to be processed. In time we can possibly be friends but to constantly fight is killing me. I realized that I have suffered long enough. I know I will continue to suffer and I am sure that these next few weeks/months will be more than difficult because I still do not want him gone but I can no longer think of him as my H. He is just a man. Whatever he does it is his life now, not our life. That concept is really hard to crasp. But I understand. It will hurt terribly to watch him move on, date and be happy without me. But I love him enough to let him go.
I can't stand the person I have become. I was never so bitter or angry. I hate that I feel so dependent on him. I realized that I held him responsible for how our relationship would go. If he treated me great, I treated him great. If he treated me lousy or rejected me.. I did the same. I don't know that I did it on purpose, I guess I just realized that I did it because I felt if he isn't going to show me love then why should I show him.
But now I know that if I truly love him the way I say I do, then I would show him that no matter what. It doesn't matter if he wants to leave or what he says or how he hurts me. I love him. And he needs to know that. He needs to see that. NOt just hear it. So I took a big step in saying goodbye. I told him I will not fight and I won't. I know that will be hard and I am sure everytime I want to yell or scream I will be here yellling and screaming on these boards. But I can't do this any logner to myself or my kids.
I know he is leaving. HE has proven that over and over. I think this weekend with his getting his stuff out was just the final blow I needed to see that he means business. He isn't coming back. He doesn't want to, and in all honesty I haven't given him any good reasons to come back. So maybe in time it will be different who knows. Maybe not. I guess we will just wait and see. But until then I have to find a way to stop thinking about him every minute.
I miss him very much, but a lot of the anger has passed. All the hurtful words do not seem to matter right now. They were just words. The loss is what is what I am having the harder time dealing with.
Thanks for all your support. I really needed it and will continue to need it now on this journey.
