Should I be trying to restore a connection with her so I am not distant or maintain my opportunites ave done? He gives me the strength in each of the past situaitons to be compassionate and caring. He is also giving me the wisdom to not overreact and try too hard. I am softening slightly only because if I don't I cannot forgive. I hope to hear more from you. Forgiveness is a very hard lesson. I am learning it. I cannot accept the situation, but will learn to forgive it. I know she is looking for happiness in her life, she will not find it where she is. Hopefully she looks back to me and sees that happiness is found in those who make you feel happy about yourself.
I have read it this morning. Very enlightening as it seems very similar to me. The OM situation in mine has not changed, unfortunately, so I don't think and reconnect or even feelings of reconnect are present. I do believe in the testing part. As I had posted to you earlier on. I believe it is testing me to see if I can forgive. Knowing that I could and I am slowly getting my emotionas more in check are helping me stay calm. Holding my cross in my hands when I am upset and aksing what can I do, what do you need me to do does calm me.
FaithfulH words are very strong and very good for me. I d love her unconditionally, and again, this is my problem. Becasue it is difficult to love when it is not being returned, visibly. There is no doubt about her MLC, which i learned early on, and there is no doubt that at some point in time she will realize everything she is doing and has done for the reality that it is. She has seen me on a few occassions now for who I am, and how I have changed. I have shined. And yes the road seems to be getting harder for me, appearance wise. Taking your input and FithfulH's, I now know that it is just appearing to be more difficult becuase the Other one is plotting harder against me. It hurts, I won't lie. But I have my belief now and I think that is why hte pain is so hard. God is keeping me to Him, showing me what must be done and the other one is pounding me with negativity. I just wish this was over. I just wish she would wake up and realize all that I have seen.
Wow, went and read a few of the additional sites and postings. It is scary to see where I am at. She is definitely in the midst of her mid life crisis and there are signs of hope for us. Her mood on Friday night when I called, being upset and flying off the handle. I heard she left a nasty message for my BIL over at his place. These appear to be signs of frustration on her part acording to some of these sites and posts. Like everythng is against her. Like a sort of "demonic" paranoia. I feel I should bring the TV table to her, but I also feel a little reluctant to do so. Again, I am not sure sometimes where the being treated like a doormat begins and ends and where true compassion and shining through to her are.
I said I would do it, and I should, because my word is my word. Nervous and feeling tense about it. Feel like this is another opportuniry. Need to take this and shine? Mayb?
He moved out and he is a thief. she thought he may have taken it when he moved out and accused him of that. I guess it was quite nasty. She can't fit it in her car. Then she went off when I said my D21 could have it and she knew I wanted it and blah, blah, blah. she went off about my daughter. She said I can't believe people walk into my house and take my stuff without asking. Ain't her house, ain't her stuff. She made a point of saying she had bought it at her work for $40. It was my younger D's table she had bought for her.
I am thinking I will let the table slide until she asks again.
Read the rest of FaithfulH threads, brought me to tears thinking of all that I am doing and going thru now. amyC, nice to know I am not the only one you 2x4 on occassion, you are the best. Anyway I have some observations and would like an opinion on:
1. she does not wear any of the rings I bought her, wedding or otherwise.
2. I have taken my wedding band off my left hand and put it on the right. It has been there for some time. I think I need to move it back. I will not take it off completely cuz every time I did, something happened to me (usually car accident).
3. I thought I was being over the top when I had asked for Him to shine for her thru me, so that she would know He was there with me all along.
4. The pain is becoming greater, my depression seems more robust now. I am getting thru it and understand it now. I think its best for me to let my emotions out when I have time alone. It keeps me from becoming overwhelmed. I understadn the closer to God I move, the harder the other one tries. I think the SOB is working overtime on me now.
5. Spent a lot of time thinking about how I would forgive her, what needs to be done and how I will handle it, not her, but ME! I'm scared that I can't do it, can't forgive, and then I feel the calm.
6. AmyC, I'm not being a pig here, but I had thoughts about my W today, thoughts I haven't had in 5 months. Daydream almost. Its not that I want only that in my life or even need it right now, but strange detail dream and thought. I will look for it to repeat. I told you, I am very strong with dreams.
7. Billy Jack references, I was a huge fan. Huge!!!. Was fun seeing the song there as it is a favorite of mine and I sinfg it to my self alot. also, there is the theme song to Kelly's Heroes with Clint Eastwood, called Burning Bridges, which I also find myself singing. Now both of these songs have been brought up. the latter, because the movie has been on twice in a week.
Friends all tried to warn me but I held my head up high. All the times they warned me, but I only passed them by. They all tried to tell me but I guess I didn't care. I turned my back and left them standing there.
All those burning bridges that have fallen after me. All the lonely feelings and the burning memories. Everyone I left behind each time I closed a door. Burning bridges lost forever more.
Joey tried to help me find a job awhile ago. When I finally got it, I didn't want to go. What is there in keep for me when I just walk away? Now there's nothing left for me to say.
All those burning bridges that have fallen after me. All the lonely feelings and the burning memories. Everyone I left behind each time I closed a door. Burning bridges lost forever more.
Years have passed and I keep thinking what a fool I've been. I look back into the past and think of way back when. I know that I lost everything I thought that I could win. I guess I should have listened to my friends.
All those burning bridges that have fallen after me. All the lonely feelings and the burning memories. Everyone I left behind each time I closed a door. Burning bridges lost forever more...
I think very hard about these words now and her situation. I pray long and hard that this does not become her...I pray that God keeps her doors open, that she sees His light in me and knows her way home. Very emotional right now, gotta go...
....Anyway I have some observations and would like an opinion on:
1. she does not wear any of the rings I bought her, wedding or otherwise. Of course she doesn't. SHE is the one that's acting out.
2. I have taken my wedding band off my left hand and put it on the right. It has been there for some time. I think I need to move it back. I will not take it off completely cuz every time I did, something happened to me (usually car accident). My opinion is to keep it on. You are not divorced.
3. I thought I was being over the top when I had asked for Him to shine for her thru me, so that she would know He was there with me all along. How else will she see Him when she is trapped in the willful sin of adultery?
4. The pain is becoming greater, my depression seems more robust now. I am getting thru it and understand it now. I think its best for me to let my emotions out when I have time alone. It keeps me from becoming overwhelmed. I understadn the closer to God I move, the harder the other one tries. I think the SOB is working overtime on me now Been there. You overcome by the word of YOUR testimony and the Blood of the Lamb. Look it up. Then speak. What has He done for you, showed you, what does His Word SAY about your family? THAT is your testimony. .
5. Spent a lot of time thinking about how I would forgive her, what needs to be done and how I will handle it, not her, but ME! I'm scared that I can't do it, can't forgive, and then I feel the calm You CAN'T do it of yourself. Not fully. Men have the hardest time letting go of the illusion of control...but that is exactly what you have to do and the only way to do that is by opening your eyes and seeing all that He does for you, all that He shows you, all that He teaches you...while you are in this valley. That is how you will KNOW that He loves you. When you know that you know that you KNOW - then you will trust Him as you need to to walk this walk. .
6. AmyC, I'm not being a pig here, but I had thoughts about my W today, thoughts I haven't had in 5 months I don't know what you mean here. Do you mean thoughts of her sexually? I don't think that makes you a "pig". . Daydream almost. Its not that I want only that in my life or even need it right now, but strange detail dream and thought. I will look for it to repeat. I told you, I am very strong with dreams.
7. Billy Jack references, I was a huge fan. Huge!!!. LOL. I still am a HUGE fan. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE BILLY JACK! That movie was SO FAR ahead of it's time... Was fun seeing the song there as it is a favorite of mine and I sinfg it to my self alot. also, there is the theme song to Kelly's Heroes with Clint Eastwood, called Burning Bridges, which I also find myself singing I'm not familiar with that movie. . Now both of these songs have been brought up. the latter, because the movie has been on twice in a week.
It is good that you are reading FH's threads. He's one I didn't shred too badly - LOL
I asked about the ring because it feels awkward on my other hand. a strange thing happened Saturday night. My youngest grandson reached for my ring on my left hand, I showed him it was on the right, and he wanted me to take it off and kept touching my left hand. From the mouths of babe's
Did revelation 12:11. He has shown me that my strength is thru Him and that my family is my light. That I will overcome all the evils and commend myself to winning this battle.
I know I can't do it alone, it is the lesson He is teaching me, He is showing me that forgiveness will set me free of this. Once i feel the compassion and the wholeness that I can forgive, then I will know that I know. I feel the calm helps me, it gives me a feeling, can't describe it, but a feeling that pushes all others away. It comes and goes when I am sad and confused, but it does come and calms me everytime. I know it is Him that comes to me and whispers in my ear, that this pain is because of my non-faith in believing i can forgive. I am working on it and I am seeing things, as I have said, that make me believe that if He could forgive those that tormented and crusified His son, then I can overcome this.
The ring is moved to its rightful place, my eyes are full. I believe I can forgive if she can see His light in me. Yes, AmyC that is the way I also believe that she will see Him, now, is thru me. I am full of Him now, not preaching, but enlightened with the belief and hope of His love. Yes He loves me, more each day I feel. Because now I am on his path, the path that I wanted to be on, but couldn't find.
Yes, sexual, sorry. But it was strange to have that thought of her. did try to research the daydream to get an hint of why and what meaning. It is too daunted to meaning anything now. Hoping for the repeat. God is looking at me here, in my house. He sees me here, thinking tonight, sitting and being tired, exhausted. No ambition to do too much, but resting. For doesn't the weary man need to rest by the edge of the river and bask in the glow of God's good graces. read that somewhere, I think. Yeah, I have the light and fire of God's love in me. I look forward to having her see it and understand what it it is.
I wanna thank you again. I don't get to talk to too many people this way. they think I'm out there. But I have really seen too many things int he past 2-3 weeks to not believe it is God who is moving me and that the negatives are the other one trying to drown what I see. It is too strong of a feeling not to be God. Too strong...And I do cling to him at night when I sleep, knowing that tomorrow will be a little brighter and better for me.
For doesn't the weary man need to rest by the edge of the river and bask in the glow of God's good graces. read that somewhere, I think.
You are thinking of 1 Samuel when David and his men returned from battle to find that the Amalekites had taken their women and children. The men stopped at the Brook Besore to rest before going after their families:
Quote:
1 Samuel 30:8-10 and David inquired of the LORD, "Shall I pursue this raiding party? Will I overtake them?" "Pursue them," he answered. "You will certainly overtake them and succeed in the rescue." David and the six hundred men with him came to the Besor Ravine, where some stayed behind, for two hundred men were too exhausted to cross the ravine. But David and four hundred men continued the pursuit.
How tired must a man be that he cannot go after his family who has been taken by the enemy? One third of these men (200) didn't have the strength to go after their families! Rest up, LonelyD, you are in the 400!! You are definitely in the battle!
BTW, you know that God uses dreams as one means to communicate with us? Correct? Keep a journal! Looking back on my journal I am amazed at all of the clear signs God was giving me that my marriage was going to be restored. Some of them I got immediately....others not so much (I can be thick headed)!
Also, I know AmyC said she didn't go too hard on me....but, I still have the bruises to show for it...LOL! Seriously, I love that woman like a sister...she saved me from my stupidity several (many) times!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
