Thank you FaithfulH for your response. Yeah, I do love her uncondiotnally, sometimes thinking that's my problem. It is difficult to show as we don't live together and we don't speak.
You are absolutely right about my emotions. I have them in check a lot. everyone has an opinion and advice they offer, unfortunately it stirs the emotions. Church is helping quite a bit. These are the things I have gotten from Him in the past couple of weeks:
1. When I leave church I have a meltdown, crying almost uncontrollably by the time I get home. I hadn't cried in almost two months. He wants me to feel that connection, to remember I have deep feelings for her. That I need to cry to show myself I do care for her.
2. Companionship. Couple of situations had presented themselves to me. "Lead us not into temptation". Going off with someone so I don't feel alone isn't going to help me. I need to stay on the path my hope has givien me. He is giving me the signs of strength in my committment, to her and to Him.
3. Calming. I am able to calm myself when I get emotional. Couldn't do that before, but can now.
4. I do want back in my life because I do love her. I know that I love her. He reminds me of the pain I felt and feel so that I can learn to control it and forgive it. I believe this is the strongest message from Him, forgive.
Yesterday's mass was no different from the first two, I don't listen, mostly. I pray with all my heart and soul. But then, the priest will say something that bulls my attention. Yesterday when I asked to give me something regarding her, should walk from this or stay. the words " Lift your eyes up to Jesus, see the joy in your hope and the fulfillment in those you Love..." I mentioned this to my Mom and she felt it meant the fulfillment of love for everyone except her, to move on without her and find fulfillment with everyone else. To me it is finding fulfillmet in those I LOVE. And I do Love her. It is very hard to deal with this. I haven't talked with MIL in a while as she usually has a couple or a few and calls at night and gets me upset. She called last night and I answered. Mistake! Telling me how miserable she is over this, reminding me it takes two to ruin a marriage, how bad her first marriage to my FIL was, I am a great guy this shouldn't be happening. W told her she is tired of hearing it, blah, blah, blah..Told her I had to go. Went in to my room to make my bed and fell apart. Like AmyC said, when I go to church asking for revelations and answers and help, the other one will try is hardest to crush me. I look at it that that was what that was. HE wants me to ride this storm out, He wants me to be true to my committment and not fail. I do believe all of that, not think it, believe it. There is a reason that there is no one in my life right now taking her place , there is a reason I am not seeking that out anymore. I am tired again, but negative emotions and feelings do that to me. I sleep good thinking about where I am going and how He is guiding masked. I have very strong hope in us getting back together, it is just the frustration of waiting. But I need to learn to forgive first, or it will all be for nothing. I want this situation with OM to end, so that I can try to make a connection, and then remember that it isn't me who has to make the connection. But I do need to be someone she wants to connect with. When I called back to my house on Friday, she was upset, and I felt I needed to call her to calm her somewhat, to offer up some level of compassion even though she doesn't deserve it, but I felt compelled to do it. It was brief, and they were words. I will take her TV table to her house because I said I would. I am in control of things I can, and distance myself from those I can't.
Your comment about why she would come back to me if I appear angry, mad and hateful towards her are my feelings also. She doesn't see me or talk to me, so mostly I don't worry about what she sees or he I have had a couple of opportunities to shine and have done so. In my eyes they have done little to nothing to move her. Therein lies my frustration.
