Absolutely. Of course I couldn't see it at the time. But my husband's heart was softening. He was forgiving me and he was also dealing with some issues that were his alone to deal with. Everything is not visible to your eyes. That is where trust comes in. You will see the results of having had the kind of trust when YOU are prepared to do so.
I've been through many things on my journey since MLC. A lot of times I wanted to quit. I mean, after all I had done why the heck should I believe God would restore anything since I'd had the biggest hand in wrecking it? But with each personal challenge that I didn't back down from, I saw evidence of His hand in my life. Of His grace and mercy. Eventually I got the a place where when the next challenge came, I KNEW there would be some kind of breakthrough on the other side - so I wouldn't give up. And for a very long time all I had was little evidences - and it took THEM a long time to begin to be revealed - because I was not ready...and simultaneously - the whole time - it turned out that He was working on my husband as well.
If you expect a big, earth-shattering miracle you will probably be disappointed.
In my experience, miracles are subtle yet magnificently profound when fully realized.
The key to it all is to die to self.
Put down every foolish thing that binds you - and you WILL need help with that - REPEATEDLY.
But you never, never, ever give up.
Not if you believe in Him.
And not if you believe in what you once shared with her.
If/when the time comes when you sincerely begin to pray "Lord, change ME" instead of constantly praying she will be changed, the mountain will begin to move.
That makes sense. I do feel Him, more with these thoughts in my head as of late. The more driven the thought becomes of what she has done and what she is doing, the more I reach out to Him, and I actuually am calmed. I believe I can forgive and wonder if the thoughts are there to make me understand all that has happened. I am sure the enemy is pushing the thoughts of despair, thoughts to make me quit, but it does seem easier to me to push those away. I am getting upset with each frustration in my life. I feel alone very often, but when I lay dowen at night I feel better.
Sorry cut off on that, getting emotional. I believe Church is helping me, it is giving me hope, faith and strength. I am doing what He wants me to do and I now understand more of what He is asking. "LEad us not into temptation". He is giving me this phrase to repeat and I know why. I am without this physical compansionship, emotional companionship because it is His will that it be this way. I understand now. If I give into this temptation, then my path is skewed, I am no longer taking the righteous path He wants me on, I am taking the easy way out and resolving nothing. I had wondered all this time whjy I am constantly reciting this prayer, it is for those words primarily, the others as well, but those. When I asked my deceased grandmother, why I am alone, why am I in pain, I have done nothing wrong, I have done nothing to deserve this...There was no answer, then the phrase came to me I understadn now...I must be who I am right now, because this is who He wants me to be. To change, to "Give up" as you say, is no longer in me. Without the drinking or anything else to break me, I can endure. By the way, the knotted Irish cross is a synmbol of infinity, eternity. The cross and saying are Eternal Strength. Got goose bumps again. I am not a religious person, nor do I pretend to be. But I cannot deny what has happened to me since going to church. I now wonder where I'd be if I had started church hand in hand with my other changes. Yes, I feel despair, but with that comes more hope, my strength pushes me past it and I feel better. The DR says I will not forget, bvut I need to learn how to forgive. I believe this is my current lesson, the thoughts, and my inner battle of being strong enough to get through it and forgive. Yeah, I think so, slowly, but yeah, I think so.
You never told me how eveything was with you and your H while you are away, I do read between lines very well however. I take it he was dark and evasive to you? I know she sees me as hard to her, and she knows me, she knows hard from me is difficult to overcome, if ever. She has seen it and is now living it. But I believe, thanks to you and Tgone, that my holiday with her, that Sunday night and the brake thing have allowed me to shine brilliantly. she has seen compassion in me. I have been cold to her, but she has seen the caring, you'd have to be blind to not see that just in her brake situation last week.
I will soften somewhat if you think it is wise to do so. I feel in my heart that maybe I do. Maybe I need not seem so angry...
Anyway, your past posts to me have really scared me as they are dead on with my feelings and we are several hundred miles apart. You are obviusly a good religious person with great insight. It does scare me when people start telling me about Him and what and how He works. But what really scares me is when I get these feelings of enormous despair, enogh for me to make the call pay the $500 and divorce this situation completely, at the end of the day, laying in bed, organizing my brain and thinking of Him and what the day has brought, I can sleep, soundly. Again no dreams that I remember, so they are not significant, which means my mind is at rest. Its been a while. He is truly with me, more when I despair, I believe He is the cross I now wear and not the one I bear. Yeah, I'm doing it right, thoughts are a pain, but I feel good. You have no idea how much better I feel right now typing this to you.
God truly doe love me, and H truly is with me, of that I have no doubt. What I will learn is forgiveness and compassion. It is hard, and I may have to close my mind to it so that I can. I don't do those types of things, but I have to...
That's what I was going to tell you earlier but I stopped short.
It is not until we KNOW that He loves us that we are able to trust in Him completely. For everything.
So strive to know that. It's okay to ask Him to show you. He'll show you in many ways if you have the eyes to see and I think that you do.
I actually do not consider myself "religious" at all. Religion requires the following of endless man-made rules and the constant reminder that we are not worthy. That is not of God. God is love, grace and mercy. He really only has one requirement of us and if you follow that, even all those commandments wouldn't be needed. They weren't actually rules you know...they were meant to be a mirror that showed us how impossible it is to live APART from Him. Think about it. Think of your life before you considered Him...did you covet? Did you envy? Did you kill (there are many ways to kill things)? Of course you did. We all did (and do). But WITH Him in our lives, while we are still not perfect - we have a much, much better "shot" at it, if you will. Because He lives THROUGH us. And God is love. Love does not do any of those things the commandments tell us not to do. Walk in love.
Makes sense to me.
So NO - I am not "religious". I'm just a believer. There are many things I do not know. But I do know something about God's grace and His mercy. And the struggle to receive them both. That I can talk about.
I keep a pretty current thread in the prayer forum that has seen a little bit of activity in the last month or so. Read if you like. Of course my older threads are all over the place. Some are even gone I've been here so long - LOL.
P.S.: Paying $500 and getting divorced won't set you free.
Sorry.
Remember this is also your journey. And it is obvious to me that God's hand is over you and He intends for you to get somewhere/learn something/discover all the He is or whatever (only He knows His plan).
Exactly. Then i am with you, I am a BELIEVER. I have seen so many things evolve before me inthe past couple of weeks, good and bad. There is no doubt in my mind that my Mom was right. the reason I break down when leaving church is I find a snctity there. When I leave I feel alone, and He is got hHis arms around me, letting me know I am not alone and its altright to breakdown, because I should get it out of me. I think while I am driving home and my mind is fresh and full of him, the toher one is ramming thoughts in my head of betrayal, unforgiveness and the lot. I do bind these thngs well, and I think it is His shulder I cry on. I didn't understadn why at first, but this week, my eyes and ears have been opened, Lead us not into temptation. Talk about revelations...
No I won't run, I believe running begets more issues down the road. I will not run from this fight, nor will I hide. I am doing good and I am doing well and I have Him by my side. As I said earlier, I know now the lesson I hav to learn. I believe I need to learn and practice and understand forgiveness before it is actually asked of me. I cannot give what I do not know. I have forgiven plenty in my life, but this will be a hrad lesson to focus on. And forgive us our trespassers as we forgive those who trespass against us. No longer are these words of a prayer, they have a significant meaning to my path now. You are awesome. I am going to a dance tomrrow night, some call it a date. She is a very nice woman i met at the last dance and we danced together quite a bit. she is older than me, very attractive and likeable. She lives far from me. All this temptation is all best kept at rms length. the one from line dancing is happily married, she is a friend, and who couldn't use more friends. this one lives down near my buddy adn goes to most of his gigs. Another friend to dance with. But both of these women, attractive , nice and likeable are at arms length for one reason or another, do you think that is a coincidence, No, not me. I think He has put things before me to gauge how I respond. He is glad that I know where my heart is. I am scared that I cannot love as deeply as befotre because I just don't want the urt again. bvut as I read and heard somewhre, don't know where but recently, Unless you open your heart, you will not ever know love. My heart is open to a lot of things, Forgiveness will open it back up to her. That is the lesson for today. I'll get there, as your husband did. It will be slow. I have time...I have found patience (somewhat lol) and I have this awesome realtionship with family and frineds. Her mother has been ot of the picture for a while. My older D tells me she hardly speaks to my W. Maybe once or twice a week, maybe. I am excited about Xmas now. Everthing is planned, I'm geared for shopping and the whole deal....New Years is all set, Super bowl sunday is all set, heavy line dancing the saturday berfore, 2 weddings in may, one is my son's. I'm a pretty busy guy, socially. And soon I won't be attending these things solo, that's the plan....
Good time at the dance. didn't hook up with the woman, realizing it is not what i want to do right now. Xmas party was good, nice to see everyone. Called home friday night to check on D17, W answered phone. she was upset about a TV table my D21 took, she was going off about how she knew she wanted it and who does she think she is just walking into her house and taking stuff without asking..
Got out of the conversation, rudely. Called back and told her I'd find out what was going on and i would drop table off at her place. Asked if she got her brakes taken care of and she said she didn't couldn't get someone to follow her, her friends car was broken but now it's fixed and she will. told her it is very important. Told her if she gets stuck like that to call me. I know she won't but I offered, opened up a little to her. Said bye and that was it.
Feel like crap, drank Friday night, huge mistake...God knows I don't miss feeling hung over, LOL. going to church in the AM, more questions for Him. Feeling lonely right now....It will pass, I'm sure...Feel strangely upset, not sure why...
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond since AmyC asked me to stop by a few days ago. I immediately started reading your threads from the beginning so that I could understand your sitch.
I do have some thoughts to share. I will put a little bit of my story at the bottom of this post if you want to know.
I believe you are doing very well MOST OF THE TIME. You are at your best when you focus on God and what He is doing in YOUR life. You are at your worst when you let your emotions control you. On Dec 9th you asked if your anger was normal. I would answer "Yes"....but, it will slow your restoration. I had a HUGE anger problem that was one of the main reasons my W filed. God can heal you of that instantly if you seek Him. I'm not saying you will never feel anger...but, the change in you will be miraculous.
Quote:
I am scared that I cannot love as deeply as before because I just don't want the hurt again. But as I read and heard somewhere, don't know where but recently, Unless you open your heart, you will not ever know love. My heart is open to a lot of things, Forgiveness will open it back up to her. That is the lesson for today.
LD, you DO get it! You understand that forgiveness is the key! Here are some things that helped me move forward:
Let go of the feeling of offense towards your W. Her stuff ain't about you! Most of the time, she is not trying to hurt you. That is not her goal! She is seeking happiness (in all the wrong places but that's besides the point)...not trying to hurt you. AmyC can validate this
Focus on you and what God wants to do in YOUR life! God has a plan that ONLY you can fill in your family and He is strengthening you right now for that plan. NOBODY else can play the role....only YOU!
Assume your W is on a long trip, far away. This is different than "going dark". This is more about detachment. Here is an excellent link to better understand Detachment
I do believe that you need to soften to your W. I get the OM part....but, why would she want to come home to you if you are hard, mean, angry, distant? The essence of what I am saying is that you need to show your W the same love that Jesus shows us....even though we don't deserve it! We're talking about UN-conditional love! Most of us know a different form...ONE-conditional love. What is the one condition? I'll love you as long as you love me back the way I want to be loved! You must start showing her unconditional love today! As believers, we are commanded to do so: Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. Can you see the connection between your love and her healing? The OM does not have this same power!
I have a book suggestion which will help you see this more clearly...Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerich.
I want to leave you tonight with words of encouragement. You are doing well.....keep your eyes on the Lord. Check anything advice (mine included) with what God is telling you to do. In the end, I believe your marriage is going to be restored and you will PRAISE God for the miracle!
As promised, here is a little context so you know from where I came. In Sep '06 my W filed for legal separation and moved into an adjacent room in the house. One month later she changed it to a divorce filing. There never was an OM involved. In May '07 after nearly one year of separation, our reconciliation began. Our marriage is AMAZING today...but gets better every day!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Thank you FaithfulH for your response. Yeah, I do love her uncondiotnally, sometimes thinking that's my problem. It is difficult to show as we don't live together and we don't speak.
You are absolutely right about my emotions. I have them in check a lot. everyone has an opinion and advice they offer, unfortunately it stirs the emotions. Church is helping quite a bit. These are the things I have gotten from Him in the past couple of weeks:
1. When I leave church I have a meltdown, crying almost uncontrollably by the time I get home. I hadn't cried in almost two months. He wants me to feel that connection, to remember I have deep feelings for her. That I need to cry to show myself I do care for her.
2. Companionship. Couple of situations had presented themselves to me. "Lead us not into temptation". Going off with someone so I don't feel alone isn't going to help me. I need to stay on the path my hope has givien me. He is giving me the signs of strength in my committment, to her and to Him.
3. Calming. I am able to calm myself when I get emotional. Couldn't do that before, but can now.
4. I do want back in my life because I do love her. I know that I love her. He reminds me of the pain I felt and feel so that I can learn to control it and forgive it. I believe this is the strongest message from Him, forgive.
Yesterday's mass was no different from the first two, I don't listen, mostly. I pray with all my heart and soul. But then, the priest will say something that bulls my attention. Yesterday when I asked to give me something regarding her, should walk from this or stay. the words " Lift your eyes up to Jesus, see the joy in your hope and the fulfillment in those you Love..." I mentioned this to my Mom and she felt it meant the fulfillment of love for everyone except her, to move on without her and find fulfillment with everyone else. To me it is finding fulfillmet in those I LOVE. And I do Love her. It is very hard to deal with this. I haven't talked with MIL in a while as she usually has a couple or a few and calls at night and gets me upset. She called last night and I answered. Mistake! Telling me how miserable she is over this, reminding me it takes two to ruin a marriage, how bad her first marriage to my FIL was, I am a great guy this shouldn't be happening. W told her she is tired of hearing it, blah, blah, blah..Told her I had to go. Went in to my room to make my bed and fell apart. Like AmyC said, when I go to church asking for revelations and answers and help, the other one will try is hardest to crush me. I look at it that that was what that was. HE wants me to ride this storm out, He wants me to be true to my committment and not fail. I do believe all of that, not think it, believe it. There is a reason that there is no one in my life right now taking her place , there is a reason I am not seeking that out anymore. I am tired again, but negative emotions and feelings do that to me. I sleep good thinking about where I am going and how He is guiding masked. I have very strong hope in us getting back together, it is just the frustration of waiting. But I need to learn to forgive first, or it will all be for nothing. I want this situation with OM to end, so that I can try to make a connection, and then remember that it isn't me who has to make the connection. But I do need to be someone she wants to connect with. When I called back to my house on Friday, she was upset, and I felt I needed to call her to calm her somewhat, to offer up some level of compassion even though she doesn't deserve it, but I felt compelled to do it. It was brief, and they were words. I will take her TV table to her house because I said I would. I am in control of things I can, and distance myself from those I can't.
Your comment about why she would come back to me if I appear angry, mad and hateful towards her are my feelings also. She doesn't see me or talk to me, so mostly I don't worry about what she sees or he I have had a couple of opportunities to shine and have done so. In my eyes they have done little to nothing to move her. Therein lies my frustration.
