Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Today I had more hand grenades thrown into the mix by my emotionally volatile XW. Not fun.

When I awoke, XW was responding to my texts from earlier in the evening at 1:05am. BIG red flag! I worry that my D8 was up that late. According to XW, she was up that late to use the restroom and decided to check her cell phone. My feeling still is, ri-i-i-i-i-ight!

I lead a Sunday school small group of 3rd graders. My D8 is in my group and she was with XW this morning. As is often the case when D8 is with XW on a Sunday morning, D8 did not make it to Sunday school. Many of the children as me where is D8. I simply say she is with her mom.

When I got to my car with S3 I checked my phone. XW sent 3 text msgs about oversleeping. I tried to call her on both her cell phone and the house phone, but to no avail. Not a surprise <exasperation>!

XW calls me a bit later and after listening to her I tell her that I have some concerns. XW immediately starts snapping at me telling me that she knows what my concerns are and she doesn't want me to belabor the point. I said, well since you know what my concerns, why don't you tell me. She then proceeded to tell me that she knows that it's important to me for both her and D8 to get to church each Sunday. Since that was sorta the concerns I had expressed to her before, I let it go. Actually, what I told her is that it is important to me that D8 make it to Sunday school each week and that if D8 was with her, I am certainly willing to pick up D8 and get her to Sunday school so XW didn't have to get up and get all fixed up. XW said NO, she would get D8 there when D8 was with her. This pledge didn't work too well.

Later in the afternoon, XW called me to ask where she might find a hardware store. I told her where to find one and asked her where D8 was. XW said I just dropped them off. I said them? Who's them? XW told me Brit(13), the daughter of DH#4. I said where did you drop them off. Answer: the nail shop. I asked XW, what is the deal with hanging out with a 13 year old? (XW has previously told me that Brit(13) is sexually active, so I have concerns about her being around D8.)

I tell XW that I have concerns about D8 hanging out with Brit(13). XW tells me that I am always belaboring this point with her. I told XW, I am not belaboring the point about Brit(13). This is the FIRST time I have even voiced this to you. I'm concerned with what Brit(13) might be talking with D8 about.

More blasting from her about me being judgmental and negative and comments about Brit(13) needing a mother figure, to which I responded, "That is NOT your job." XW tells me that she is ALWAYS with the girls. They are NEVER alone. I then ask her, "They are at the nail shop and where are you? XW got pissed at that point and proceeded to tell me that I am judgmental and negative. I gotta serious problem with XW's ability to discern what is appropriate for D8 and what is NOT on her own! XW can't even give rational reasons to allay my concerns when I bring them up, she just goes on attack mode.

In talking with a friend, I was told that XW is like night and day. One minute she needs comfort and reassurance, the next minute she wants to bite my head off if I have an opinion or feeling that differs from hers.

Another friend said, XW just wants you to agree with her or to shut up if you don't agree. I am unwilling to shut up. We are talking about my children here. Even though I don't have 100% control over what my children experience, I do have a 100% right to state what my thoughts, feelings and concerns are.

I am still trying to reconcile with my XW. I realize that much of my thread is painting her in a bad light, but she is quite wonderful in many ways. What I have always had trouble dealing with in her is her stance that THE WHOLE WORLD IS WRONG, AND I'M RIGHT! I used to take this stance too often in my past, but today, the only issue I am holding onto that stance is in my wish to reconcile with her.

QUESTION: Am I correct in holding to my STRONG convictions of wanting D8 to make Sunday school every week? XW keeps telling me that getting both herself and D8 to church weekly is VERY important, but I don't see this in XW's actions so much. Similarly, am I correct in holding to my STRONG convictions of NOT wanting my D8 'hanging out' with Brit(13)?


I do not know what tomorrow brings to us, but I do know that I cannot give up my manhood to be with XW. Hopefully, she'll flip from night to day. We'll see. I'll keep you all posted.

Tom