Countdown to New Year, and fresh start?

[istherehope]

(((Sep))),(((Ali))),(((OD))),

Thanks for checking in on me! Yeah I feel like this weekend was one of those lazy times where we ended up being kind of "stuck" in the house together and it wound up being pretty positive.

Sep-I'll try to get the vow renewal idea out of my head, at least on the specific timeframe that I had in mind. The trip to Brazil over the 5th year anniversary will be enough, and if things are going well, perhaps the anniversary can even be mentioned, but that's a LONG way down the road!

Ali-Thanks for your support! I was blown away by the ILY, and though it hasn't been repeated since, I feel like we are a lot closer to the point where this might happen. I just wish that I had said something meaningful in response as I want to hear this kind of thing more often, but then again I am quite confident that H knows how I feel by now.

OD-Always great to hear from you! You know you were one of the first few people who posted to me, "way back when", and I remember feeling a lot better (as much better as I could manage at the time) when reading your posts. Thank you!

As far as my daily journal...ugh I'm still sick. However I just can't be seen to slack off at work anymore. I am going to have to go in and be productive and maybe hope my manager sees how ill I am and asks me to go home.

As of last night H was sick too. In typical man fashion (no offense meant to any men who might be reading this thread), he is taking being sick a whole lot worse than I am. He got up during the night 3 times moaning about feeling sick, and this morning said that "someone" should be home to take care of him as he doesn't think he could even walk to the doctor. I told him that while I feel really bad that I can't be home with him, I have meetings today which I cannot miss and will try to come home early. Yes we're both really sick, but it is more uncomfortable than anything else-stuffed up head, sneezing, coughing etc. It's not really something we need to be rushed to the doctor for, IMO.

Anyway I will do my part by checking up on him a few times today. It's when H is sick that he seems to want constant contact. Knowing him he'll probably call his mom too...

So we're growing increasingly comfortable around each other, at least that's my take, but still no serious talk. It's to the point now where I think it would be a bit weird to have one, but the fact remains that H isn't wearing his ring. There is the possibility that he will just put it on one day and not say anything to me about it, potentially before our trip with the ex. Not sure, I think I will give things another month or so before I actually consider mentioning it. Things really are very nice, very good, but so much is unsaid. I think there are some things that may just need to remain unspoken, things about this summer, and how it made me feel, and what H was thinking. I took from Opt's session with Jody that bringing up the past could strengthen feelings of guilt. Seems to me that it's important to focus on what we have now, what is good, and what is working. My biggest issue now is really work. I've lost the drive I used to have, as this whole process has just been so exhausting. I'm terrified about losing my job, and I know I'm not performing well. So, I really hope that I can get back in the game here. Unfortunately this may mean working extra hours, which is not the best thing to do when trying to rebuild a relationship.

The crazy thing that I've learned from all of this is that I want to have a baby. Before I thought that I would never have a biological child, and that the pain of childbirth would be too much to bear. After the pain of this S, I've realized I can take a lot more than I thought I could. A lot changed. Of course I can't discuss this with H just yet, but it's like I've had a total mind shift, and there is nothing that I would like more than to have a child and take a year off of the corporate world...

Anyway for the moment this is just a fantasy, but if things keep improving I will want to discuss it with H when the time is right. I used to tell him I'd never have a baby, and that we'd have to adopt. I think he wanted to have a child of his own, so this may actually be something that really matters to him.

OK I am rambling now to avoid getting ready for work! Thanks for reading my novel!

ITH