I understand the heartbreak. I really do. My heart was broken by my XW and now it breaks as I see what her selfish actions and her suppressed insecurities is doing to my D. Heartbreak is a common component for those of us left here behind.
You weren't sure what happened, but you actually answered your own question:
Quote:
he doesnt love himself
BINGO! That is what happened. It is all about him, and has NOTHING to do w/you, my dear. See, coming from a perspective of a person who's own personal self-loathing caused me to ignore some of the beautiful things in my life and marriage, I know where BF is.
He doesn't love himself at all. Period. End of story. See, I was the same way and until I got help and discovered not only am I an alright guy, but I'm a pretty good dad to my daughter too, I constantly filled my days w/pessimism and negative self-talk.
Your BF is just as lost as I was. In fact, the smiling, happy BF you used to know was a charade. I'll be that was a farce b/c deep down, he hated himself. It may not have been conscious, but it was in his head. You just don't wake up one day and decide I'm going to loathe who I am. Nope. It is built up in you over time. It goes back to how you were raised.
How can I guess his happiness wasn't genuine, b/c mine wasn't either. In fact, when I told my mother how miserable I was as a kid and how I thought of suicide several times but didn't have the guts (or balls - I was a bit of a late bloomer, you know) to do it, she was completely shocked. She said there was NO WAY she'd have guessed I was even remotely unhappy as a kid b/c I was always smiling, having fun and making sure things were running smoothly.
I suspect your BF is the same way.
As I look back, I'm so glad I was too afraid to end my life b/c of all life has to offer. I never truly came close enough to killing myself, but the thoughts of wanting to die did haunt me throughout high school.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is two-fold:
One, PLEASE stop blaming yourself for anything as it is all him and him alone here. Again, I speak from experience as he expected his relationships to go badly b/c he "didn't deserve them." My former thoughts exactly.
Two: He's not going to get any better until he chooses to look in the mirror and seek help and change. That is the cold, hard fact of it. My XW's telling me about being unhappy and thinking of a D pushed me into C, but it wasn't until I discovered her A that I began to let go and allow for walls to come down and real change to begin.
I'm sorry, love. I wish it were different. I wish there was a Hollywood ending for your sitch - Hell, I'd even take a Bollywood ending if it was a good one. The happy ending can still come, but it won't come by your hand, I'm afraid. There isn't much more you can do. The ball is completely in his court and only he can decide on change.
For now, continue to be his friend, but try not to stop and hold your breath for a quick fix. I'd hate to see you turn purple and pass out, you know.
