I started reading these forums a week or so ago. This seems like a very positive place to come to in my situation. This is by far the darkest time in my life and the hardest thing I have ever been through. If you are reading this please be patient with me. I have a lot to sort through and I may seem a bit confused at times.
Here is my situation.... My beautiful wife and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. She is truly my everything and I would do anything for her. I may not have always showed it but I have always loved her more than anything in this world. I am not perfect. I have been difficult at times and have worked very hard to build a career for myself at a young age. This sometimes meant very long hours, interuptions in personal time and at times not a lot of time for my wife. She was very understanding at first that I was trying to build a life for us. I have also had jealousy issues and sometimes trust issues. I think I did trust her but I think I may have always been afraid of getting hurt for some reason. This was my fault and my own insecurity and she shouldn't have had to deal with it. I now accept that and have told her so. Most of the time when she thought I was jealous I was really just protective of my wife and concerned about her best interest. We got married at a very young age (22yrs) but it was so perfect that we did not question it. Both of us never expected to marry as early in life as we did, in fact she said that she never really planned on getting married and thought she would be the old lady at the end of the street with a bunch of cats (she didn't think that she would beleive in love), but when we found each other we knew that it was a blessing and we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.
The past year has been pretty challenging. Communication has been a problem and eventually our intimacy went to the way side. It is hard to make love to someone if you are angry, I didn't want it to be like that. We eventually started to lead different lives and seemed like strangers in the same house. She would say that we were "roomates" not a married couple and she hated it. She started to act out a little bit and kept comparing me to her father. This was not a good thing because they do not have a very good relationship. She thought that I was controling and that her father was controling and she didn't want to end up like her mom with no friends. Her parents have their own issues but it works for them. They have been married for 30 years and have opened up to me about their challenges but say that they have no plans of changing their lives or divorcing. They made a commitment. I don't think I am too controling but I can see where I might cross the line from time to time. I just want to know where my wife is, what she is doing, and who she is doing it with. I give her the same respect and I think that it is my right to know as her husband. She has also given up on doing anything around the house. I do most of the house work, yard work, car maintenance, etc. When I approach her about helping out she gets defensive. I explain to her that I don't want her to be my mother but I just want some help. If we work as a team it would make things easier. Our situation seems like the classic WAW Syndrone. She did express some concern early on and I did try but did not give it the 110% it deserved. I tried because I love my wife very much but I guess I was comfortable. Then when she dropped the bomb it hit all at once. I have changed my self in many positive ways, I still have some improving to do, but she has such a fortress around her that she does not see it. She wants out.
The past three months have been extremely difficult. She has grown resentful towards me. At the end of October I took a pack of cigarettes out of her purse to through them away to create a challenge to her smoking. She got extremely upset and left me for the weekend to go party it up down south with a friend. I was so upset/depressed. She said that I violated her privacy and I explained to her that I understood where she was coming from but I only did it because I cared about her. She has had her share of health problems and she was only smoking because she was stressed out. A year ago it wouldn't have been an issue if I went in her purse for anything. She came home on a Sunday night. That Wednesday night went out till 4:30am and was not concerned with letting me know where she was. No apologies. She told me that she was "not in love with me anymore". Since then I noticed phone calls in private that seemed suspicous. I questioned her and she told me that she was talking to a friend that I knew. She lied right to my face. I research it because I knew something just wasn't right and I found out it was some guy. She would talk to this guy for sometimes more that 5 hours a day!!!! She eventually told me that that she wanted a divorce and that I shouldn't fight for her anymore. He was the last phone call she made before telling me and the next three phone calls she made that night when she left the house. Are you gonna tell me there isn't something going on there!?!?!?! When I found out about this I was enraged. I felt like I needed to go on a man hunt. I was is a very bad place. Fortunately I have friends and family and a therapist that care about me enough to keep my head on stright. I eventually wrote her a long heart felt letter explaing to her how much she meant to me and thanked her for including me in her life. I also told her that I knew about this guy and how that made me feel. She grew extremely p!$$ed and told me that I needed to tell her what I knew. I told her that she needed to tell me what was going on so she wouldn't tailor her story to what I knew. She still insists that the man was just a friend. To me she at least had an emotional affair with this guy. Since I told her what I knew she has gone rapidly down hill. She had more frequent trips down south to party and talk to guys. She changed her myspace to divorced and blocked me. (I wouldn't think that this is a big deal but I know how seriously she takes that sort of thing). She had pics of a guy on their saying that he was a future fireman and that "he could rescue me anyday". I told her how much that hurt me and she said that I shouldn't have looked into it and it wasn't meant to hurt me. She goes out on almost a daily basis till very late at night and sometimes doesn't even come home. I have found a note and other suspicous items that I won't go into at this time. She stays over a guys house (different guy) every once in a while and I suspect there is something going on. This hurts me so bad but I am trying to control myself. She says that "You don't fit into my life anymore" and "our marriage must have been a mistake because it has failed", "we are not together anymore, you need to move on".
After all of this I still am trying to make this work. I feel like such a fool at times. I have accepted things that I never thought I could and am willing to forgive and move on. I begged, pleaded, wrote deep heart felt letters, tried talking to her, left notes, tried to get her to watch wedding videos. ALL THE WRONG THINGS!!!!! I know that now after viewing this site and a few other and reading DR. I wish I would have known all of this earlier. Now I am working my butt off to try to fix this. I am moving out of my house this weekend, she needs her space. She is dead set on making this divorce happen. She is numb. When I would try to talk to her she would look bored/annoyed and even start to fall asleep at times. She was absolutely not concerned with my feelings. This has gone so wrong so fast!!! What can I do? Our world is falliing apart.
Sorry for such a long first one.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
This is the last night in my house and my wife has not said more than a few words to me. She just came home said "hi" and went to bed. The usual for the last couple of days. She seems to have no feeling about where this is going. I really don't understand how someone who loved me so much can just turn it off. When packing I came across some old letters and cards from her (I know some of you probably think that is kind of girly). I read a few of them. They were from the old her, before she changed. In almost all of them there was a promise to love me forever, some even said that forever would never be long enough. Does she not remember these promises? Does she not remember our vowes? When will she open her heart?
Last edited by Hopeful Husband; 12/13/0804:42 AM.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
Sorry you find yourself here. Great place, great support but it sucks that we are all here under these circumstances.
why are you moving out if she needs her space? If she is the one that wants out, why is she not the one moving?
Are you practicing any of the DB techniques? Are you seeing an IC? Have you read 'not just friends'? what are your goals? Keep posting.. tell us what you are doing to fight for your marrige.
Also, Maybe try posting in Newcomers as there is more traffic over there.
Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Hopeful Husband just like you my sitch is almost identical to yours. Together six and half years married four and half. I have heard all the same things and got all the same responses from my wife, almost exactly the same. My wife left in April. I am aware of my mistakes being controlling, not affectionate enough are the main two. I love my wife more than she knows and we started off the same as you. Now this is the case and well be the hardest and I mean hardest thing to do because of all of the pain and circumstances, but you must take your marriage to God and lay it at the alter before him and trust in him. This is difficult to do, difficult to stick with, I will not lie to you. The problem is that our relationships are in spiritual warfare. We screwed up and left the door cracked open for satan to enter and now our wives have fallen into his traps, tricks, and scheems. I am near signing papers at this point. I know she is seeing someone else and I believe living with him at this point. It bothers me, I don't like it, but in my heart I have forgiven her and would take her back to spend the rest of my life with her. You must start reading your bible daily, tithing, and fast when need be. Your eyes will have to be on Jesus and not all your circumstances. You will have to start out having faith and grow your faith, I won't lie to you none of this is easy in the beginning. Satan wants to keep you focused on all that is wrong so that he can steal your peace and joy. He wants nothing more than to steal, kill, and destroy your marriage. You are the husband and you have authority in prayer and can take dominion over this situation. Right now satan has got you so down you feel like there is no hope just where he wants you. If you want to stand for your marriage get prepared for a LONG journey with lots of ups and downs, days when you are feeling great and days when you feel like giving up again and asking yourself if it is all worth it, but do you really want to spend your life with her, if so then don't be surprised by how long and hard this can be. One constant reminder is that God is in control. Now satan will constantly attack you with doubt and have you looking at all the impossible, but with God all things are possible. You need to go to rejoicemarriageministries.org and sign up for there daily emails. Also go to joycemeyer.org and watch her daily tv programs. On the rejoice marriage ministries web site go to the restored marriages tab and read through the testamonies there. There are 25 pages so the is a lot to read but they are uplifting and encouraging. Find a couple people that will stick with you to stand for your marriage. You will probably see people come and go even family, but someone will support you. If you feel like you can't give up it is most likely because God has called you to be the stander. Standing at times can be a daily struggle, but run to God when you get week, satan will come and go, but be assured he will always come back. I have read that what God has started he will finish for he cannot lie and he keeps to his word. You are about to learn a lot, things that you will feel so stupid that you wish you had seen or done it the other way before. Like you my wife and I were well on our way up fast in a short four and half years, making good progress. I did some of the same things her thinking I was over protective I guess you could say, but really I just cared about her and love her so much that I didn't want anything bad to ever happen to her. There were times at night in bed when she was asleep that I would look over at her and just think about how bad I would miss her if she passed before me or if she were killed in an accident. I love her with all my heart and God knows my heart. I want my marriage restored and my the wife of my youth back in my arms, she is an amazing woman, I love her, I love her. Anyway don't let satan steal your wife, get focused. Read Ephesians 6 and read the entire book of Job. Love you brother, stay strong and seek God.
Sooners7xchamps your response to Hopeful Husband was uplifting to me. In fact I checked out rejoicemarriageministeries.org and have decided to listen to a message everyday. I need all of the encouragement that I can find. I truly believe, like you, that we are facing spiritual warfare. I tried to explain that to my spouse, but he doesn't want to hear it.
New 12 if you understand the spiriual warfare and what is really going on then most likely your husband won't, and of coarse won't want to hear it. Someone that is walking away from a marriage is looking and dealing with things in the flesh and thier own selfish desires which is exactly what satan wants. It will trip them up in many things ahead of them. I am reading THE PRODIGALS PERSPECTIVE by Bob Steinkamp it is really good. I pray a lot and trying harder than I ever did to be obediant to God. I find that I struggle some days more than others. I just want to believe that my wife will come back, I love her so much.
We own a house together. She definately wants a divorce. I want to sell the house but because of the poor housing market these days we would be upside down about $25K. I still want to sell. She does not want not want to keep the house but doesn't want to loose money, so she will stay in the house. I will sign it over to her. I don't think she can afford it and I am setting her up for failure but I have been told that I should not worry about that. It is kind of a weird situation. We have friends that are also going through a divorce. My friends wife moved in with my wife and I moved in with my friend temporarily. This may be a positive because my friends wife is in the same position I am in. She wants to make their marriage work. Maybe we can be positive influences on the two non-believers. Either way she is a good person and I think she would influence my wife in a good way and maybe keep her out of some trouble.
Here are my short-teem goals for the relationship:
-Sit down and actually have a conversation with my wife without an arguement, but I need to sit back at this point and have her approach me.
-Stop chasing her away.
-To make her smile again.
Here are my personal goals:
-To continue to renew my faith.
-To continue to read books and forums on how to be a better me and put the techniques I learn into practice.
-I joined a gym today. I am going to start going to the gym at least three times a week. I am in good shape but I need the outlet for stress and it will help.
I am trying to practice as many of the DB techniques as I can. My major problem is keeping my mouth shut. Everytime I see her I feel the need to talk to her. Moving out this weekend will help with that. I have not read "not just friends", I will have to add it to my list. I am now reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". My neighbor gave it to me and told me that it helped him during hard times in his relationship. I finished "Divorce Remedy" a week ago. I am also seeing a therapist, I have a divorce busting coach, and I am praying alot.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
Wow man. Thanks for the inspiration. At this point I can say that God can only soften her heart. She is very confused. I talked to her yesterday (which I shouldn't have) and told her that she needs to think about what she is "supposed" to do, not what she "wants" to do. She said that she was confused because they were the same thing. I tried to explain the difference but got no where. She keeps pushing how Christian she is. She has been going to church often and even wants to go on a mission to Africa. I told her the God hates divorce. She diagrees. She said that God is telling her to get a divorce. That scares me. I tried to tell her that God would never tell anyone to get a divorce except maybe in very extreme circumstances that do not even come close to what we are dealing with. She quickly got aggrivated and moved on. I have checked out Rejoice Ministries. There is alot of good info on there. FamilyLife.com is another good one.
I understand the journey that lies ahead. I am scared but prepared. I would do absolutely anything I can to make this work without a question. If by some grace of God she some how looks deep in her heart and realizes what is going on and shows me a sign of hope I will know I am on the right track. I am so fearful right now because she is so numb towards me. She just wants me out so she can move on.
I know what you mean about those times when you look at them when they are sleeping and fear life without them. No matter how good or bad it was at the end of the day I could still reach over and kiss my wife good night. I could have never imagined giving that up.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
You state "I understand the journey that lies ahead. I am scared but prepared" I didn't have a clue and was totally UN-prepared
There was never an OM
Neither of us left the house
We were married 26 years
I think you might gain by reading our journey. I would submit that you don't understand what lies ahead...particularly if you take your eyes off of your W and focus on God. He will direct your path....AND take care of your W. The day after the bomb a friend of mine told me "Enjoy this time! God is doing a work in you!" I almost punched him out....but, I get it now...finally! You sound like you are starting off in a FAR better place than I did but I want you to know that the destination is worth the journey! I will pray for you, your W, and your friends!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Hopeful Husband everything that FaithfulH said above is true. Your wife sounds exactly like mine in what she says and at eight months now she is still very determined to keep walking even with all that I have done to prove myself while being cautious on my approach to doing things. I probably can't stress how much you will really have to let go and let God do the work. I have been learning this long and hard and the bible says this: This is not your battle it is the Lord's. He will fight this battle but only once you get out of his way. It is likely you may see little progress until you step back and let the Lord have it all. You may see your wife make bad dicisions and things that you totally disagree with but can do nothing about, but she is going to have to learn on her own. Seeing this is going to cause you pain because what she does directly effects you as your one flesh marriage and you don't want to see her get hurt, but when someone is so dead set like this all you can do is let them make mistakes, hope they learn and in the mean time pray, tithe, fast, pray more and let God do the work. If you doubt God can fix this in time then there is now way you/us as people can fix it if he can't. I will give my wife what she wants the divorce, I don't like or want it, but I can't control her, God is in control of the outcome if she comes back. I in the mean time will press forward with my life, goals, and friend/family activity. My wife said the same thing about God telling her to leave. You are right, God does not do that, and she says she is confused, my wife said she was too. What they are hearing is satan whispering in there ear and they are so blinded by all that is wrong that they just can't see right now and they won't until they hit rock bottom and are forced to turn nowhere but to seek God fully. The waiting for them to hit bottom is what takes so long because the feel so right in what they believe they are doing, but that is satans deception at work. Right now satan has many strongholds on there mind that they are incable of seeing and breaking. It is going to take a big wake up call personally for them to see how wrong they are. Your explaining, preaching and so on will prolong this. It will go faster if you let them go, make there mistakes and always remember no matter what they do God is always in control even though they don't know that. I love my wife, but she has got to mature and learn a lot. I don't want anything bad to happen to her, but she is her own individual and will have to live with the path she chooses be it good or bad, just pray for the best and stay out of the way, trust me on this. A lot of times the less you know the better. If you let her be, keep to yourself and work on yourself in some cases they get curious and you start to look attractive in different ways to them. If they do start to show interest, zip the lips and take it slow for they will be testing the waters and may come and go. These are testing grounds you will be under and if you did get back together it continues to test for a good while, there is a lot to prove, it's long hard work. There won't be any shortcuts for they will drag it out. If you want to help yourself in speeding things then this is where I am in the bible Matthew 6:33 "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you." Do as this verse says for you and let God take care of her.
