"I do not derive my sense of value from H. I do not have a self-esteem problem and I do realize what I bring to this world. I think my problem is that I cannot truly let him go."
Sorry - I didn't mean to suggest sense of value in terms of self-esteem - rather, I meant sense of value in terms of happiness...Like you, I don't have a self-esteem problem - and don't have much in the way of security/insecurity issues - but...and here was the big revelation for me...I had no idea just how much of who I had become was intertwined with my W, my expectations of my wife, and my frustrations with her and myself (which grow out of those unfulfilled expectations). For me, a sense of value isn't about self-esteem but about getting through an occluded sense of self.
"I am working very hard to sort out why this is the case. Some have suggested co-dependence, but from what I have read about it, I am not co-dependent. I think Puppy called it being enmeshed. That sounds a little more like it but it still does not resonate in my gut as the reason."
I agree with Puppy - it is about being enmeshed. Early in my sitch, I also went into the co-dependence angle - but didn't find it fit. But I did realize that before being with my W, I enjoyed being on my own and being independent...and I don't know how or why I lost that, but I did. I think it's just the reality of a relationship (especially a troubled relationship) that we lose ourselves to an extent when we become too defined by our enmeshed personality - rather than the independent personality we first brought into the relationship.
What ever happened with the rings, btw?
I finally took mine off after my W moved out...and I then realized that having it on just made me look at it too much - and think too much about what I wished for with her - rather than what I should be doing in the moment...even when doing something as simple as going out to dinner with a friend...the ring added a presence there that started to feel more and more like an intrusion...but it took me a long time to get there and accept that. All of this stuff takes time - especially the process of detachment - which was/is completely contrary to my "fix it", "solve it", "understand it", "tackle the impossible" way of being. That mindset served me well through graduate school...but it didn't do much for me in my M...so now I'm a student of a different kind.
