Hi WIT, Thanks so much for swinging by - and for your kind words...celebrating with my kids was just wonderful...I'm already looking forward to our next mini-celebration next Saturday.
NW - Thanks for the welcome back...I hadn't realized just how much I had disappeared until I read your note. I wasn't going to say anything about it, but my W was back to her angry self again last night - this time snipped at me saying, "at least be decent enough to turn around while I'm talking to you." She said this simply because I had turned around to look at a box she had brought over with stuff that she said was mine. I didn't get angry or snip back, just said, "I was listening" - and she continued to be angry....
I just can't be there with her in her anger - I don't want that at all - and it's one of the things I recognize very easily now - just how much I used to be sucked into her anger - and just how much I would take the bait at home on a daily basis - and contribute to making things worse and more tense for us both (and for the kids).
I'm not so much struggling to detach from my W anymore as finding different ways to embrace the space and the distance.
I sent her an email a couple days ago mentioning that I might be moving out of this house at the end of my lease in February - she didn't respond for several days and then finally sent the following:
Hi Carlos,
I actually found the form and will order tickets for you and [S11]. I'm heading up to [PIL's home] from the 21st to the 28th. I don't mind cat sitting for you while you are in Cleveland. I might take the opportunity to clear some more of my stuff out of the garage. I'll bring by the big suitcase tonight for you since I'm sure you will need it for your trip. I haven't had a chance to deal with the car payment yet, or the free credit report charge-- I'll add it to my to do list.
...Sorry to hear you have to move. If you find anything that's mine, please put it to the side and I'll pick it up when I pick up [S2].
Have a nice day,
[W]
This was the longest email I've gotten from her since she moved out - and it even appears to show some compassion - and it's in complete contrast to the person she becomes once we see one another. The tickets she's referring to are to a Christmas pageant at our S2's daycare - I had given her the form last week and she had insisted that I hadn't...
When I read that note again just before posting it here I just sat here and wondered...where is this person when we're in each other's company? I was going to ask her for that suitcase a while ago - but just didn't and I was just going to take care of it myself - so it was a surprise to see her offer to bring it back - and then to actually bring it by last night...but that's the thing...the kindness in this note just vanished by the time she got her last night - and she was harsh, angry and cold once again...which is why I think expectations are poison...if I had expected her to be kind because of her note I would have been disappointed - instead, I just expected nothing - neither positive nor negative - and so I just experienced her anger and tension for what it was...and I did not let her mood define/affect or otherwise determine who I am...I'm done with allowing her anger to control our interactions - I'm finished with naively stumbling into the bitter dynamics she creates and which she expects me to inhabit. I am detached, not only from my W but from the dark emotions that used to envelope us when we were together. Let her darkness be hers until she finds a way to illuminate it...and let me enjoy my life with my kids, my family and my friends.
