I have done some thinking about some of what you have said. Here are a few preliminary thoughts.
1. You are correct that I approach things like a lawyer and that probably is not going to work very well in a marriage, or in saving one or letting one go, for that matter.
2. My trailer is definitely still hitched to H's wagon and that is certainly contributing to the rollercoaster ride. But, I have more than one trailer.
You said: "[w]hen you wait to have your value defined or determined by someone that lives in his own confusion, you will continue to stumble. Stop that. Consider how much you have accomplished - and how much you bring into the lives of others (even strangers on this site) and value yourself enough to know that detaching from you H is an act of love for both you and your H. Detachment gives you the gift of taking care of you - and detaching gives him the gift of having to deal with his own issues so he can grow...and if he doesn't...you will still be in a healthy, strong, empowered place."
First, thank you for that. Second, I do not derive my sense of value from H. I do not have a self-esteem problem and I do realize what I bring to this world. I think my problem is that I cannot truly let him go.
I am working very hard to sort out why this is the case. Some have suggested co-dependence, but from what I have read about it, I am not co-dependent. I think Puppy called it being enmeshed. That sounds a little more like it but it still does not resonate in my gut as the reason.
Here is my struggle: though I know I can be happy without H in my life, it will take time and I have to grieve, but I will be happy again. I know I am a whole person all by myself. I know I am strong and can accomplish things. But despite all of that, he is the person with whom I want, over all others, to share my life. There is a bond that grew between us when that was a mutual feeling and it is that bond that keeps me from wanting to detach.
Maybe that's what the truth is, maybe I just simply do not want to detach. I am not saying I want to hurt and be sad. But just because he wants out, does not mean that I want out. And in my mind, detaching is getting out.
This is heady stuff, Carlos. You have given me a lot to process. Thank you for that and taking the time to post all of this to me.
