I screwed up again

[AnotherNightmare]

Hi techguy,

I probably slipped a few more times than the ones I have mentioned, but overall it went probably OK. You have definitely made a few good observations regarding OM, but there are also a few things I should probably add:

When I tried to confirm the EA, I found a couple of e-mails. The language and content of those e-mails leave no doubt that OM is not just a penpal who happens to be male. There were ILYs and dreams of a future together. Not sure how to handle that other than to set the boundaries I discussed with her last night.
I agree with you that OM is a symptom of what went wrong in our M, but at the same time I believe that as long as OM is in the picture, reconciliation will be extremely difficult, if not impossible. Outshining him is certainly one way to achieve it, but I think that is much more difficult with an EA than a PA, especially with such a distance between them. He does not have to deal with her moods, and vice versa. They will never talk or e-mail each other when they are grumpy. The only strategy that I have been applying is complete detachment, which again is not easy while she is still in the house.
What makes it even worse is her personal situation with her aunt and her mother. While OM can provide her with the full emotional support she is looking for, I know that it is the last thing she wants from me. I accept that, but I also realize that it makes outshining OM even harder.

One other background detail that might be important is that IMO emotionally she is very dependent. She has not been without a R since she was 16. She always went from one R to the next (with only one exception - and that was ours, she was single for a few months before that). So I believe if OM is out of the picture, she would be much more interested in our M. This would not solve all our problems, but it would be an opportunity to work on them through MC, Retrouvaille or something else.

Maybe I am overanalyzing the situation, but I am convinced that even though OM is not the root cause, he is a major obstacle to progress. Since I cannot control that, I will try to make progress on preparing for a life without her. Maybe once she realizes that, it will click...

AN