Wow, that is very sad and tragic to hear. Your dedication to him is really strong. That's the tough part of all of this, isn't it? When the LBS still feels love and caring and a desire to be with the WAS, but it's not workable because he's not available to you (or others, I still really think he's very mixed up inside).
It's strange you know...your post highlights some of the life & death existential thinking that comes up when we have huge losses in life. I've been aware of how "the years are short" and yet found comfort that I had already found a great partner--that gave me the sense of being with the person I wanted to be with. Sounds like this was the same for you. And yet, the WAS is encountering these same fears but handling them in an opposite sort of way: fearful that there is something more, looking for a solution on the outside to something that is more of a problem on the inside.
Well, this is a tough road, Ali. It is sad and I can appreciate where you are at today with it all. You're posting very early in the morning your time, aren't you? I hope you get some sleep and build in even one or two kind hearted things for yourself today.
