Is she is or is she ain't (my baby)?

[forward]

Sleeper,
The DB C told me that contact has to be truly limited. You have to let W feel effects of your absence. You really have to start acting like your own SINGLE person. What would you do if she weren't around at all? How would you reshape your life?

DB C coached me to cut contact down so I now go days without seeing or speaking to H. It has been healing. I initiate contact only when needed. When I do have contact, I am nice but I do not do anything to prolong it or sustain it. And until I had to initiate some discussions w/a counselor about our D, I didn't have any contact outside of drop-offs and pickups. I did not want the sessions but felt they are unavoidable.

So...no fixing things around her house. No more favors. (Let her do favors for YOU!) No hanging around her place. No ILYs and flirting. No dinners, no lunches. You've done this and you had some results--but lately you haven't had forward progress. Maybe it is time to mix it up. You can still be friends...but neighbor-over-the-fence friends. Chatty but not so very available as you are!

You made the point the W is afraid of being alone--but at the same time, you never let her feel those effects. If you get back together, she IS going to have to sustain some effort...and decide you are worth making an effort for. If you are there to bail her out every time there is a bug to crush, she will continue to take you for granted.

And Sleeper? You sound like a good guy who's learned some hard lessons. Finish those lessons for yourself now.