Matilda, I guess she can ask me to change jobs, but the problem is she won't accept no. I'm going to stand my ground on this one.
She is right to ask for and expect physical intimacy. I need to work on increasing my comfort in this area, at my own pace.
My challenge is going to be to keep up the effort on working on the M, while having to listen to her complaints. I need to stay centered, calm, and balanced amidst her storms of emotion.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, do you celebrate Christmas? If so, are you buying something on the romantic side for you wife? That could be a start. (My advice: DON'T buy a vacuumn cleaner )
Matilda, My challenge now is to keep my balance, and maintain my efforts and not fall back into old patterns. My W gets so emotional, that she loses her head, and capacity to problem-solve. She loses hope that things can get better. She becomes a broken record that won't stop.
My reaction is to want to escape physically and emotionally. I have doubts about my commitment to the marriage, when I'm frustrated. I judge her in my mind, and want her to go away. I want to break this pattern.
I went to the bookstore yesterday to find a religious self-help book, and found one by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun who talks about cultivating compassion amongst life's difficulties. It's just what I need to practice dealing with my W's emotions and poor choice of words when she's frustrated.
My W is right that my listening and empathy skills need some work. I lose those skills when I'm frustrated, and create distance in the M. I need to work on being able to move into conflict, without judging my W, and taking things personally.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Piecing Friends, I seem to be hitting some turbulence again. My W is highly frustrated. I'm getting yelled at almost daily.
The issues seem to be her wanting me to make more money, to spend more time at home, to cook for her periodically, to be more intimate physically, wanting more food in the house, and to have a better mood when I'm home.
She's also upset about past events. She's upset about the separation agreement we had four years ago. She accuses me of trying to steal her money. She wants me to promise that I won't touch any money of hers if we were to reach a point of division of property.
I have over a half dozen angry emails I need to read today from her.
She's upset that I wasn't in a cheerful mood last night at the jazz club after we had an argument about my failure to keep enough food in the refrigerator.
I just have to face this. There's no other way. I do get defensive when I'm yelled at. Perhaps I need a different approach.
With the grocery shopping, she want me to empathize that she didn't have enough food as a child. She's going to take the shopping over for now, so she can buy what and how much she wants. With the separation agreement, she wanted me to hold her and tell her that if there is a next time, I will not touch her money.
I'll try to solve the problems that I can. I spoke with my supervisor about cutting my evening hours, so that I can be home earlier. I would be happy to cook a meal for us every now and then. I can try to be less reactive when confronted by her.
I'm not going to be able to say yes to every request.
I'll have to accept that there is no security in marriage, and that I need to face things, instead of looking for security. There must be courage, in the face of uncertainty. I can try my best, and accept that she can still choose to divorce or respond in her manner.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Piecing Friends, My book, Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chodron gives me some helpful guidance, to keep me centered. Here are some ideas for me to practice:
The point of spiritual/religious practice is to move from self-centeredness to connection (certainly something I need to work on in my M).
The goal of a spiritual practitioner is to alleviate the suffering of others--compassion, kindness.
We don't go off into the wilderness to find wisdom, but to move into the chaos and difficulties of our lives to practice cultivating compassion.
There is no escape from the difficulties of one's life. It is better to face them than live and die in fear and avoidance.
I hold onto these thoughts, as I enter conflict in my M, and a frustrated W.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL--while I admire your efforts to have compassion for her, is it fair to you to coddle her selfishness and fussiness indefinitely?
The things she complains about...I'm sorry, but her demands seem exceedingly immature and impossible: be home more, but make more money...give me more, but don't take anything that's mine...etc. She will never find happiness outside herself. You will never be enough for her if she continues to ignore her own responsibilities as an adult.
She needs a good swift kick. You're doing an amazing job of trying to keep things smooth and peaceful, but smoothing things over seems to be more of a bandaid than a solution.
I'm all for loving solutions (I'm a peace-seeker myself, and can't say I'm perfect here)...they're out there. But CL honey--you deserve MUCH more than she's giving. She may have it in her to give more, but she won't give it if she doesn't realize what's really at stake.
What are some things you can approach DIFFERENTLY?
Aud, I hear what you're saying. I don't think I'm the person who can give her the swift kick you're referring to. I think my role is to sift out the valid pieces of her complaints, and work on those aspects of myself that truly need some work.
I will also be mindful of boundaries, and will not agree to something that I consider unreasonable--changing jobs. I'm working to solve problems that are solvable, not meet every one of her demands and requests.
I've told her that if the sleeping elsewhere were to resume, than I consider that her decision to end the marriage.
I'm trying to frame our situation, as my W being honest about her feelings about the current and past, though doesn't articulate it skillfully.
Hopefully, the guard dog to her heart will take a rest someday, so we can see the vulnerable person inside. I think the same holds true for me too. We have two people struggling with trying to connect at a deeper level, but are fearful.
I think approaching her with greater compassion and kindness, would be approaching her differently. My pattern is to be distant, irritable, reactive, defensive, and moody.
She is trying to connect with me in her own way. She is communicating with me much more than she ever has. We're emailing each other on a daily basis, trying to work thru conflicts.
Compassion, kindness, and courage, are the skills I need to cultivate. I can then look back and accept whatever outcome there is for the M, because I'll know I put in my best effort.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Does your wife have any issues for herself to make the marriage better? Your wife sounds a bit like my D18: everyone else does things TO her; she is not responsible for her actions because it was always someone else's fault. It sounds like your wife blames you for everything.
I think your goal of "approaching her with greater compassion and kindness" is admirable, but from all that you have written you are already doing that!
Matilda, I appreciate yours and Aud's perspective.
I asked my W the other night what she was doing to improve herself as a person. She did not have an answer.
Yes, my W is a blaming, externalizing, defensive, person. How do you manage your D18? Any tips for me?
Aud asked me what I should do differently. I guess my compassion goal is not different, but a continuation, though an ideal to aspire to.
I think what can be different, is to not buy into the idea that if only I were a better husband, than my W would be happy. She often states that I've failed her, or that I disappoint her, and that it hurts her feelings. I don't have to buy into that.
Aud used the term fussy to describe my W. I looked it up in the dictionary, and decided it hit the nail on the head--an overemphasis on irrelevant detail.
Thanks Aud and Matilda. Your perspectives will help me to not take everything she says at face value, and to not try to fix the M myself.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I do a pretty lousy job! I certainly don't have the compassion and patience that you seem to have, CL. However, I guess one would expect that behavior more from an 18 year old instead of a _______year old married woman. I just wish your wife could see the whole picture and then maybe she'd make an effort to make your marriage more of a partnership instead of expecting YOU to fix everything.
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