When I read your posts I get the feeling that your w cares about you... the bday cake, etc., aren't just about involving H; they are about you and how she is choosing to stay involved with you. And your behaviour is part of what is making that posssible - low-key and no pressure.
What does it mean? Gosh, you knows? But I think it's positive.
It seems like one of your greatest strengths in this process is understanding and accepting that it is a long process. I tend to agree with you that making any declarations while she is with OM might backfire... by pressuring her or making her feel that you want her to choose. She feels that she has already chosen and until she is ready to make another choice, there's probably no one thing you can do to flip the switch.
But no relationship is perfect and if she and OM haven't had difficulties yet, they sure will. And you'll be there, shiny and bright in your new behaviours, attitudes and lifestyle.
I think there "seeds" that you could plant that might grow over time... I hate to give advice and don't think you need it, but could share some of that if you wish.
