Best friends?

[GFI]

Hi there nothingtolose

much of the getting past the wrung out feeling is down to personality and mindset I think...unfortunately there's no magic bullet.

For me, things started to change (in me) when I resolved to get a plan and get active in my situation - in the beginning I allowed myself to feel like a victim and held no power - I felt "done unto". When I got a plan - and I had lots of false starts, I tried to stick with it for a couple of weeks - a plan needs time to work! and also I threw myself into exercise - got signed up for some events so I had to follow through...

And I took time to read many of the archived posts and success stories on this board - the active posters are just great but they're all pretty much, in one way or another at a similar spot to you or I - I needed to look at the journeys of some folks who made it...that helped a lot with my resolve.

I haven't told my wife that I am waiting/working on our marriage of late - although I made this pretty clear to her early on - I wouldn't do so now as this would likely put a great pressure on her - but anyone who is looking at me and how I live my life would see that's what I'm doing...

So, nothing magical I'm afraid...

KBO - GFI

[GFI]

Nothingtolose - if you've not found this post - its worth a look over

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1097934&site_id=1#import

[whateverittakes]

Thanks GFI.
For some reason I hit bottom today after many months of dbing. I`m not a climber like you, but I`ve been hiking, mountain biking, road riding and dryland training for ski season. We now have snow and I will be out this weekend. Like you, I`ve registered for a few events to keep the momentum going. All of that and moving into my new house, playing with my dogs, getting back into my music, etc., means that life is pretty full and for the most part happy. I have a wonderful circle of friends and never lack for company if I want it. But I miss my guy... terribly.
I do lose sight at times of why I'm doing this, particularly when he tells me that the feelings "just aren't there", that it isn't something that can be explained but just "felt", that it isn't me, it's him, etc. Why are we doing this when we could move on to meet someone else?
Sorry... feeling very negative today.

GFI,
Working on your marriage will help you make positive changes in yourself and it really sounds like your W is starting to notice and respond even if she is not ready to admit this. It is fortunate you can afford two homes because it gives you some space to see who you are without W. Hope things are still going in a good direction.

[GFI]

Bizarre - we are indeed lucky to be able to do this...Thankfully we bought our family home when property prices hadn't gone through the roof and that is paid off now...

However, I think to some extent I was attracted into this position with W saying that she needed space...I gave her that alright but hadn't figured that space would be taken by OM even before I was out of the house and into my new place.

That does make me wonder if its worth it - many signals seem to send the message that there is no hope for us, other times I think there is a lot of hope...yesterday for example, in the afternoon about 4 I got an entirely unexpected phone call from w, just chit chat about this and that..and then she wishes me a good party - it was my works Xmas meal last night...

There is more significance to this than first appears I think - cos a few years ago there likely would have been some drama associated with this event..

As it was I got out of there at about 11 - first to leave I think...and have had a full on day today rather than spending the day in recovery and i was sure to let her know!

So, why did she phone? I think she may have been trying to find out if I had made an early start on the party cos she is looking for confirmation that I can't change - which btw i hadn't.

KBO - GFI

GFI,
Hmmm, maybe not so much that she wanted affirm that you can't change as a knee jerk reaction. I am often guilty of the same thing as your W, I just expect H to behave in a certain way and sometimes I cause it by being negative. On the other hand , she may have called because she misses being involved and knowing about your life. Just try to take it as apositive interaction and see where it leads. It must have been hard for you to actually buy another house while an Om lives in the one that is paid for, that is incredible. Are you legally separated? Is she currently living with the OM? Or seeing him? Btw sometimes it is very hard to see a change in someone when you always expect the worse, also is she had to admit you have become better it would take away her justification of the A.

[GFI]

Bizarre

I think my W's current relationship with OM started in around july - I moved into my new place in late September - they don't live together but he lives in same small village.

I think she sees it as a legitimate relationship, not an affair at all. In her mind we are separated and she has free reign to engage in a relationship.

but, she kept it pretty much under wraps until someone who did know, who knew that I didn't threatened her with exposure. She got a text message and I got a letter a few days later. So it was someone who was able to get hold of her mobile and our address.

That's when she told me. I don't know who that person was but I'm pretty certain it has to be one of her friends who my W obviously felt safe sharing the information with. My W was pretty upset about this!

Those few months were awful...as were the few weeks after i moved as the only viable way of spending any time with my son was to go to my old home overnight while W spent night with OM. She seemed to think there was no problem with that but for me, seeing evidence of OM in my house, 2 wine glasses drying, leftovers we would never ordinarily eat in the fridge, it was gut wrenching.

Things got better when I got my new place straight enough for H to come to me.

I think W and I are doing a fantastic job with H under the circumstances, although the real hurt and pain underneath my exterior is incredible. He seems happy and well balanced and doing well at school - we have an incredible network of friends who are looking out for him, although i do feel that he experiences more sadness than we realise.

On the phone call - i think you might be right - that she was looking to confirm the worst - not sure how she would have felt having found that her expectations were not met!

but another positive interaction all the same - even if not borne out of an entirely positive intention!

The challenge now for me is to figure out if its possible to move these interactions along...my gut feeling is that while OM is still in picture then that will be pretty much futile. I just don;t want her to feel too comfortable just being friends. On the other hand, in the big scheme of things, things still seem at a relatively early stage.

Many thanks for calling by...Best - KBO

[GFI]

OK - text message just in from W:

"Happy tree shoppin carols n bday cake l8r x"

back story to this is that i had H overnight last night (actually picked him up at 2.30 and went off to one of his pal's birthday swimming party and pizza and today we're heading to get tree for W and hime today and calling round bout 3 to get it up...and it was my birthday yesterday and H and W baked a cake for me...

Any views would be welcome!

Best - GFI

This seems

[whateverittakes]

Hi GFI

When I read your posts I get the feeling that your w cares about you... the bday cake, etc., aren't just about involving H; they are about you and how she is choosing to stay involved with you. And your behaviour is part of what is making that posssible - low-key and no pressure.

What does it mean? Gosh, you knows? But I think it's positive.

It seems like one of your greatest strengths in this process is understanding and accepting that it is a long process. I tend to agree with you that making any declarations while she is with OM might backfire... by pressuring her or making her feel that you want her to choose. She feels that she has already chosen and until she is ready to make another choice, there's probably no one thing you can do to flip the switch.

But no relationship is perfect and if she and OM haven't had difficulties yet, they sure will. And you'll be there, shiny and bright in your new behaviours, attitudes and lifestyle.

I think there "seeds" that you could plant that might grow over time... I hate to give advice and don't think you need it, but could share some of that if you wish.

Keep it going my friend!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey HAPPY BIRTHDAY ! For yesterday...

Wow, so she baked you a cake? Nice.. with H though, so hard to read anything into that..

I agree that not much will change whilst she's with OM, but I wouldnt regard your interactions as futile.. I am sure they could be having some affect, IF she is having doubts about OM. Of course, if she were in love with OM, theres not much you can do, but she does seem very conected to you (with dropping in for tea and chatting on the phone) so I am not so sure.

I like that you realise this could take a very long time to play out...

Hippy Barfday again!

Al xxx