My last thread locked, which was fitting as I feel it's time to move to a new chapter. Apologies in advance as this is going to be a bit long. I just feel the need to recap things today, so that I can remember how far I've come.
At this point H and I are no longer separated, although there was never an "official" decision to move back in together, just sort of something that started, went well, and continues to go well. We used to fight like nobody could imagine, yelling, tears, slamming doors, the whole bit. It would be rare to go 3 days without a major fight, and usually about something stupid that was probably covering up bigger issues. I'm pleased to say that I have been back for just over 30 days now, and we haven't had any real fights. We are making purchases together, signing contracts for services etc., but just missing "the" talk and verbal re-commitment. If and when H puts his ring back on, I will move to piecing. Until then I will stay on this board. The title of my last post was stage 2.25. I think now we are at stage 2.5. We are definitely friends in terms of having normal conversations, laughing together etc. There is ML, infrequent, but it does happen. There is some affection, especially in bed, a lot more anyway than a few weeks ago. There is a bit more intimacy, in that H has opened up a lot about his family, his job etc. We are still not at the point where we are talking about the R, or his own therapy, but this is fine with me for now. I don't feel as awkward or nervous now if I need to call or IM H about something. It feels more normal and natural, and while I do try to maintain a certain level of distance, I am not walking on eggshells. If and when we start having more frequent affection and/or exchange ILYs, then I will consider us at stage 3. I guess each sitch is different, but that is what stage 3 would mean for me.
This thread is "countdown to New Year" because we have a trip planned starting on New Years Eve. I have a good feeling about this trip as it is going to be the first time in nearly 6 months that we have done things with other people. So even though those other people are my ex and his GF, they are nonetheless another couple, and I am quite sure that H will naturally act a little more affectionate with me in front of the ex. He says he's not jealous, and I don't think he really is, but I think it's just human nature in a way. This trip will give me the opportunity to remind H of who I am in a social setting, who I am as a person outside of the R and the way that other people react to me. I think this is a good thing. We will also be in a new country together, one we have never visited before so we will get to discover new things. This is positive.
Then of course we have 2 more trips coming up, one next month, and one in March. Ironically the one in March is tentatively booked for our 5th anniversary. This is far enough out that I am hoping by that time I can actually mention this to H. When all of this started I had hopes of renewing our vows on our 5th wedding anniversary. I guess we'll see what happens between now and then. We also have another anniversary in June. This is because we were officially married in the US, and then had our big wedding in Mexico a few months later. So these are both our anniversaries in a way...
So last night I went to the company Xmas party. I had an OK time, but was feeling really sick so came home at around 10 PM. H was in bed, hungover from the night before as expected. This morning I am feeling incredibly ill, terrible cold, congestion, and fuzzy head. I don't see much GAL for me this weekend, though I may push the envelope and go to town today for a short period of time.
I hope that I will have more interesting and positive news to report later, but it's unlikely that much will happen this weekend R wise as H needs to write a couple of papers for school, and I am not in the best frame of mind due to feeling so sick. It will probably be best for me just to curl up on the couch with the cats for the time being :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I am happy to be the first one to post on your new thread. I think it is wonderful that you have so many trips planned together. Those are major commitments to being together in the future. You are doing a good job of not being as reactive to situations, which obviously makes him more comfortable around you. There are still shades of control coming through in your post- such as how you have made a mental plan that you'd like to have a re-commitment ceremony in march... This is your timeline! Not his.
If this ever happens it should be him leading the way- not you saying that you want/need it to happen. Can you have a great marriage if it doesn't happen? Probably. It may not be important to him.
I talked to Jody the other day and once again she had tons of insight. Especially helpful as my sitch has changes for the better so fast. There is temptation to want to talk about what when wrong (on my part, and at family/friends urging). She said that no good comes of this- it just puts H on defensive and will make him feel guilty. Instead talk about what is going well, what is different that is making new R work. See if you can talk about what has changed and how to keep those things going forward.
I guess I agree- that looking back may only ever bring pain and certainly rehashing things won't keep them from happening again- ever. Only by changing our attitudes and actions can we make and keep our marriages healthy and prevent the problems that contributed to the separations (control, fighting, lack of emotional intimacy).
I hope you are feeling better soon, but for now just take a break and take care of yourself. You deserve it. I think being curled up in bed all day should give H plenty of space!
Get well!
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Thanks for stopping by. It's nice to hear from you:).
Pre-bomb H used to suggest that we renew our vows at some point, and I had often said maybe after we hit the 5 year mark...so that is in part where this idea comes from. I promise not to push it though or think that we can't have a great marriage without it. I would feel comfortable bringing it up if we had openly recommitted and he was wearing his ring again, because I know that it is something he used to want. However the timeline at this point is mine, and you're right that this is not necessarily fitting with him and how long he needs. I'll just play this by ear, and see how things go over time. I will be just fine without a new ceremony. I want the marriage, not the fuss, though I'd still have a great time with the fuss.
I am still feeling pretty yucky, but actually have had a pretty good day in spite of this. I went to town and did a small bit of shopping, then came back and cooked a quick meal. H said he wanted a lazy day, where he just hangs out around the house. So we watched a few shows together, and started planning some of the time that we will be in California. Two sort of major things (in my opinion, but not sure if H is even consciously aware of their import) happened this afternoon. First, to put the next statement in context, pre-bomb when H was downstairs and I was upstairs he would often call out sweet things like "I love the little". Well today he called out "I love the dorkness". For anyone reading this, this name is not abusive/offensive, so please don't take it as such; I use similar names with my H. Others may find using these kinds of nicknames problematic in their relationships, but I don't. Sorry if this sounds defensive, but I think situations always look different from the inside. So I wanted to share this because it was almost an ILY. I didn't know what to do and it caught me off guard so I just said "awww" in as sweet of a voice as I could muster. I wanted to say more, but I was trying to come up with something good to say and then it took so long that the moment was lost.
The second good thing that happened is that we were looking things up on my laptop together, and H looked up some video game website, and talked about how much he loved this particular game company. I said he should try to get a job there, and he said, "would you really want to live in X area?" I said not really but that I would go anywhere for his dream job. So the point from that is that in the way that he talks to me now there is the assumption that we will be taking the next step together. We will definitely, well almost definitely, both want to be leaving this country within the next year, so there is a new phase coming soon, an opportunity to start a fresh life, literally. More than just him making future talk with me, it was my opportunity to show the 180 again of being willing to move for him. I think it shows incredible devotion for a man to give up his career twice to move for his wife, and I would be more than happy to be the one to make the next sacrifice, though obviously I hope in the end we can find a place that we both want to live, and where we can both have rewarding careers.
Opt, sounds like your session with Jody went well. Are you going to post more on your thread? I like what she said about how talking about what went wrong could make the WAH feel guilty. For some reason I hadn't really thought of this, but it makes perfect sense. Good idea also to focus on the positives...
Anyway I am going to force myself to do a quick workout now as I feel so bad that I don't think it could do any harm! If it does, I have tomorrow to rest :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I cannot shake this nasty cold, but I really can't miss a day of work given my performance over the past few months so I am praying that a day of rest today will be enough to get me back on track.
So, H and I hung out quite a bit last night looking at travel books and watching movies. I still get uncomfortable when we are watching movies and there are marital troubles/divorce, but I'll need to get over that as it seems most movies have an element of this! We sat pretty close on the couch, and H was playing with my nose a lot. He pulled my head down to rest on his shoulder once too.
When we went to bed, there was ML. I've decided to up my game a bit and have started going to bed naked. It's cold in the room, but that's the sacrifice I'm willing to make! Anyway it seems to be working :).
He has been a lot more appreciative of the things I do lately too. Little things like thanking me when I cook are becoming more and more frequent. I can see positive changes in him that aren't R related too. He used to have a really bad temper, and get aggravated easily. Now, sometimes something will irritate me, like the fact that we have this fuse in the house that keeps going out, and he is so Zen about it. One of his new sayings is "if it doesn't work, it doesn't work." I had been walking on eggshells in some cases because I expected a bad reaction, the bad reaction that old H would have given. Now, 9 times out of 10, if something breaks, doesn't work, doesn't go to plan, he is seemingly unfazed. I am not sure what is bringing on this new behavior. My guess is that it has to do with his IC, as well as his exercise, self-reflection, and my changed behavior around him.
OK I'm off to make some breakfast, and hopefully start feeling a little better.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
ITH~ This all sounds so great!! And I completly agree that nicknames like Dork are not in anyway abusive..my H and I use Dork & Jerk.
I agree with Opt that you should not set the expectation to a vow re-newal but do look at all the positives only a month ago you were unsure that H wanted you to live in the same house and now you guys are planning trips and talking about the possibility of moving. I think your situatuation has made a remarkable change for the good and you have to just keep looking at all of the positives.
I hope that you feel better. There is nothing wrong with a lazy weekend!!
So he shouted out that he loved you !!?? (ok, he had to couch it in a little cheeky put down, but like you said, no biggie).. but thats huge! Yay, happy for you
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thanks for checking in on me! Yeah I feel like this weekend was one of those lazy times where we ended up being kind of "stuck" in the house together and it wound up being pretty positive.
Sep-I'll try to get the vow renewal idea out of my head, at least on the specific timeframe that I had in mind. The trip to Brazil over the 5th year anniversary will be enough, and if things are going well, perhaps the anniversary can even be mentioned, but that's a LONG way down the road!
Ali-Thanks for your support! I was blown away by the ILY, and though it hasn't been repeated since, I feel like we are a lot closer to the point where this might happen. I just wish that I had said something meaningful in response as I want to hear this kind of thing more often, but then again I am quite confident that H knows how I feel by now.
OD-Always great to hear from you! You know you were one of the first few people who posted to me, "way back when", and I remember feeling a lot better (as much better as I could manage at the time) when reading your posts. Thank you!
As far as my daily journal...ugh I'm still sick. However I just can't be seen to slack off at work anymore. I am going to have to go in and be productive and maybe hope my manager sees how ill I am and asks me to go home.
As of last night H was sick too. In typical man fashion (no offense meant to any men who might be reading this thread), he is taking being sick a whole lot worse than I am. He got up during the night 3 times moaning about feeling sick, and this morning said that "someone" should be home to take care of him as he doesn't think he could even walk to the doctor. I told him that while I feel really bad that I can't be home with him, I have meetings today which I cannot miss and will try to come home early. Yes we're both really sick, but it is more uncomfortable than anything else-stuffed up head, sneezing, coughing etc. It's not really something we need to be rushed to the doctor for, IMO.
Anyway I will do my part by checking up on him a few times today. It's when H is sick that he seems to want constant contact. Knowing him he'll probably call his mom too...
So we're growing increasingly comfortable around each other, at least that's my take, but still no serious talk. It's to the point now where I think it would be a bit weird to have one, but the fact remains that H isn't wearing his ring. There is the possibility that he will just put it on one day and not say anything to me about it, potentially before our trip with the ex. Not sure, I think I will give things another month or so before I actually consider mentioning it. Things really are very nice, very good, but so much is unsaid. I think there are some things that may just need to remain unspoken, things about this summer, and how it made me feel, and what H was thinking. I took from Opt's session with Jody that bringing up the past could strengthen feelings of guilt. Seems to me that it's important to focus on what we have now, what is good, and what is working. My biggest issue now is really work. I've lost the drive I used to have, as this whole process has just been so exhausting. I'm terrified about losing my job, and I know I'm not performing well. So, I really hope that I can get back in the game here. Unfortunately this may mean working extra hours, which is not the best thing to do when trying to rebuild a relationship.
The crazy thing that I've learned from all of this is that I want to have a baby. Before I thought that I would never have a biological child, and that the pain of childbirth would be too much to bear. After the pain of this S, I've realized I can take a lot more than I thought I could. A lot changed. Of course I can't discuss this with H just yet, but it's like I've had a total mind shift, and there is nothing that I would like more than to have a child and take a year off of the corporate world...
Anyway for the moment this is just a fantasy, but if things keep improving I will want to discuss it with H when the time is right. I used to tell him I'd never have a baby, and that we'd have to adopt. I think he wanted to have a child of his own, so this may actually be something that really matters to him.
OK I am rambling now to avoid getting ready for work! Thanks for reading my novel!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So just have to add what a baby my H is when sick. He IMd me to tell me how bad he felt. Said I was sorry and that I would try to come home slightly early and bring some medicine. He said "Hopefully I will be alive."
Asked what he needed, "other than warmth and medicine I can't think of anything." Let's all remember that I'm sick too!
Am guessing he's just waiting until it's morning in the US so he can call his mom and tell HER he's sick too. It's kind of endearing actually...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
My hubby is the same way when he is sick. Such a baby! Lol
I'm glad that things are going so well in your situation right now. I hope that you can start to focus on work and make that more of a priority because losing your job would add stress you don't need right now.
Would you leave your job if you and your h were to relocate to a different place for his job? Or future job I guess. Just wondering how this situation was going as it was something you two seemed to be kicking around recently.
Is there a way you can goal set for your job? You always impressed me with your organizational skills this past summer with goals for your marriage. Can you transfer that to something to help in your career? I have no idea what you do for a living but it might help.
I was also very glad you two were ML again. I think that says a lot about the stage you are in. I laughed when you said "I steped it up by going to be naked" Good for you ITH! Looks like it worked
Keep us posted on everything. Always good to see your progress both personally and relationsionally.
