Aussie Girl - Patience might finally be paying off

[Kalni]

Seems we both got...nada for our anniversaries. Sorry Essie.

If you feel ready to say this go ahead and do. But be ready if he says he doesnt know what he wants to take it a step further cause otherwise you will have achieved nothing. You will have given this phase an extension of time and you will get more frustrated. At least that is what happens to me when I speak out and the other person doesnt react.
Summer Christmas?
Sex in the pool?
Oh Lord!!
xxxx
K

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Essie...

Um, there seems to be a lot of you talking about how yuo think HE feels (and I hear that when doing these kind of things, we can only really talk about ourselves..and not tell others how they are feeling) and also, lots of definitive statements, instead of just asking him how he is feeling? Like...

I think that we want different things at this stage in our lives, and I understand that you are busy and are enjoying being single

You dont know what he wants. Also, you dont know that he is busy, he may be stuck at home, also, you dont know that he is enjoying being single... so I think it would be better if you asked him how he feels about only seeing you every 3 weeks and is there a reason for that? Does he see taht continuing?

..and I support you in that decision.

ditto, maybe its not a decision he has made, more, all he can handle right now??

But it's not what I'm looking for. And seeing each other every few weeks isn't helping me. So I'd prefer it if you don't contact me.

Do you mean this? Its very black and white, plus, its a moving target.. its not what you want forever, but if he is willing to work with you in mending what you had, if he were to talk to you.. could you wait a bit longer, or are you done? Do you really want to tell him right now, you prefer him not to contact you? (cos he may take that on face value... and not contact you). You are closing down the conversation right there, is what I mean. He will probs go, ok, too much hard work, rejection, shes said she doesnt want me to contact her...

I cant imagine being divorced from you, I cant imagine it being the end of us. But I'm happy to sign the divorce papers if that's what you want.

Again... has he mentioned Divorce? So why say "if thats what you want" i'll sign? Why not ask him how he feels about how things are going, or if he has any thoughts about D?

If you decide you want to have another go at having a real relationship with me where we share the good and bad times then call me. I want you to be happy, but I also need to look after myself, and I think its time for me to move on

Again, this sounds very .. hard, kind of, I've pretty much given up.. as you end with "I think its time to move on" - thats pretty much what I hear in your speech, thats the essential message I am getting, and I am not even your H! So do you think thats what he will hear?

If you mean it, you are ready to move on.. go ahead and serve him that ultimatum!

Personally, I thikn you should ask him how he is, is he ok, is he happy with how things stand. If the answer is no, doesnt think its going anywhere, then you have you answer and yuo CAN move on. If he says no, but he doesnt know what to do.. then maybe you two could try and have an honest convo?

I just see lack of communication as the main problem all over these boards, and thats becuase usually, ONE of the partners is not emotionally intelligent enough, or able to express themselves (like your H!). They are full of fear! Glad you got to see him and do naughties in the pool though, I'd be cartwheeling down the street if my ex had wanted to do that with me.

Al xxx

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Essie, I briefly read through your thread & you've been given some great advise. You have made wonderful progress, with making your H feel comfortable and becoming friends.

It seems that you are stuck in the friends stage dance. Do you feel you take 1 step forward & the you have sex & you both take 1 step back?? That is what I see. (Probably, your H taking 1 step back 1st).

If you decide on a R talk, ask yourself what is your goal?? Is it to find out where he is at? Are you detached enough to put the D question on the table??

How about setting a no sex boundary??? And seeing where that takes you???? Just some thoughts.

[transformer]

Essie,

thank you for your super loving posts on my thread!! I'm sorry I haven't been posting on yours!! Your latest posts are really thought provoking and i have lots of things I want to say about them, I promise to post soon!!!

I had a sort of crazy idea about my sitch, could you stop by my thread when you have a moment? I would love to hear your thoughts.

((essie))
love,
T

[One Day]

((((Future Girl))))

I like the idea of having a conversation with H, but I'd probably temper some of the things you might say to him......

"H I love you, have always loved you, and a small part of me will probably always love you. But I want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to share my life. I get the impression think that we want different things at this stage in our lives. , and I understand that you are busy and are enjoying being single, and I support you in that decision. But it's not what I'm looking for. And sSeeing each other every few weeks isn't helping me is difficult for me- I'd like to see more of you and spend more time together so we can see where this might go.

I cant imagine being divorced from you, I cant imagine it being the end of us. But I'll happy to sign the divorce papers if that's what you want. If you decide you want to have another go at having a real relationship with me where we share the good and bad times then call me. I want you to be happy, but I also need to look after myself, and I think its time for me to move on"

I also wonder about having the conversation in a more open-ended way where you try and find out what he wants and where he sees things going. That way you can get an insight into what's holding him back (because at this stage I'm not sure if he's actually said that he wants to be single, or try the single life, or if he'd like more but is scared.....).

I'm sorry I missed you earlier- I had to log off to do some work- so annoying!!

L. xx

[transformer]

Essie,

I am thinking of you and I have lots of thoughts about your sitch but things have been so wild I haven't had time to collect them and write them down.

I agree... I think an open-ended approach, more open-ended than what you've wrote above, would be more productive and probably informative.

More later!!!
BIG HUGS TO YOU
and thank you for all your help on my thread!!
transformer

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Essie..

Any more thoughts about your convo with H? Gosh, we have all been here so long hey! Who'd have thought it, a year ago (nearly). You kept us all positive though! Thinking of you!

Al xxx

[Essie]

Hi Kalni - thanks for visiting my thread. Its true, if I gave H that speech I'd most likely get "I dont know" back and then I've achieved nothing...

Hi Ali - thank you so much for the time you take to post to me xx. I guess I was over reacting?!? I know I need to tone it down and no make so many assumptions. Thanks for your help

Ms Melancholy - thanks so much for posting. You know what you said about Do you feel you take 1 step forward & the you have sex & you both take 1 step back?? That is what I see. (Probably, your H taking 1 step back 1st) - that is so true. I've been thinking on this for the last couple of days. For some reason I hadnt seen my reaction as taking one step back. But of course now that you point it out it's the most obvious thing in the world... I get scared I'm going to be rejected and then I flip out and feel like I need to push H away. I think this new perspective might have helped me feel calmer this week.
Dont really think I can go back on the no sex thing though now! Oops - its too late to set a boundary. I think I will aim to tease more, or not put myself in situations where hanky-panky can happen (unless there have been flowers and diamonds to woo me first!)

[Essie]

T & OD!

You guys are the best.

Dont worry about trying to figure out what's going on T (besides me going around in circles is so boring I'm over it!)- you are busy enough! Thanks as always for checking on me and your support.

Lisa - of course your response looks about a billion times better! Thank you thank you thank you! Think you could pop over and give H the speech on my behalf?
No wait - that's a bad idea. I think H would fall in love with you and your super hotness. Its a good thing you are on the other side of the world!!

So I dont know what happens with me. I stress out for a little while, and then I dont care. Maybe its being really busy at work, I just dont have time to think about it at all. Or maybe its some weird hormonal thing. Right now I can wait and see what happens, and I dont feel the slightest need to try and control the outcome. Rewind 3 days ago and I was tearing my hair out. I dont understand myself!

Met a really really really cute guy today - you know one of those ones that you smile at, and they smile and you think
'WOW'. 'Sigh'. 'Can I marry you and have your babies?'. Ha ha! There are nice men out there - its good to be reminded of that.

[Kalni]

A really really cute guy, huh? You are alive and healthyh if you notice. That's good...

I am the same. Sometimes I want to KNOW what happens/will happen, what the end will be etc etc. I am pulling my (very short) hair out too. And then..., I am numb and dont give a damn about what's happening... Hormones must have something to do with it. I agree...

How about if you make sure that for a couple of weeks you get real close to him, have fun, be your sexiest self, fun, intriguing etc etc and then... disappear. Make the difference between life with and without you show...

I dont know what to advise anymore...
K