Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, {{{{YR}}}}.

I get very confused because our C doesn't think that this is "just MLC". He says that H has said this has been "brewing" through our whole marriage and he's held it in. C also says that he has no idea what H is thinking because H is very good at "tap dancing" around issues, and never shows his cards even when in IC.

In my last session alone with C, I did voice concerns about C not challenging H's ideas, and C agreed that he would do that more, rather than just expect me to take the reigns. S17 really is the only one in the family who H still seems to want a relationship with, and S17 wants me to "step back" and allow him to confront H. He really wants to do this and gets annoyed at me "holding him back". I know S17 is angry and I don't want him to say things he will regret, and I don't want him choosing sides between me and H, and I try to keep him out of the middle.

But sometimes I do wonder if it would be beneficial, even if H doesn't believe it, or agree, or learn anything, it still might be helpful for my kids to confront H with their issues with him in the presence of the C.......

I don't know. I don't want to be taken advantage of! I don't want to make a mistake!

S17 and I had a really good time tonight at the Bill Engval show. He is so frickin' funny! He is sort of what I always thought my H was like underneath that reserved exterior. He is a little dorky and not very polished or good with the ladies, but is a genuine guy with a good heart. That's what I thought I had up until the past few years. Now he's a big wig who wears Jerry Garcia ties every day to work and wants to be an even bigger wig. He works all the time and his only "relaxation" time is drinking with the guys, or even alone, in a sports bar. He drinks scotch and smokes cigars (Love "Boston Legal"!) and want "to carry nobody's bucket but his own".

I love my H so much!! Or at least the H that I thought was inside him. I miss him!! S17 says that guy is dead and will never come back and I have to face it. Everybody tells me that, including H! In fact, nobody I know who knows H understands my continued hope. Can literally everybody be wrong?

I just don't know. And sometimes I feel like I'm beginning to not care, and that feels sort of good! But scary too.