I have actually been thinking lately that I will treat H with friendship and kindness and respect for a while longer. I do not imagine though that once we are D (if that's what eventually happens here) I will want to be his friend.
I completely understand your feelings of being let down by H. I too feel the same. I also feel what you feel about them being with someone else after so many years with us. You and I have been with the same H's for a very long time, it is not something we can let go of easily. We are not to be beat up about it either. For each of us it takes a different amount of time to move on and for some we never do. I fear I am one of the later. I am trying my best to be content in the world I now live in...it is a day to day, minute by minute process. All we can do is live a good day and hope for the same for tomorrow. We all backslide and that is OK.
I am glad you had a good time at your party. It is a good step.
Keep treating your H with enthusiasm and friendship and kindness, let's see where it takes the two of you...I feel he likes the new reaction/action from you.
Keep the faith...Something good will come from this all....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
It is what these guys do. They do it to stay away from us and the kids get hurt along the way. They will come around on their terms only. You can't do anything about it. Accept it even though it is wrong. Do not confront H about his behavior towards the kids, he will figure out a way to blame you and that will hurt.
Our kids harden to the ways they are neglected by the parent who walked away. It doesn't make it right but it is what happens. Someday they will have their own say with their Dad and they won't mince words. Their Dads will know exactly what they did to them. I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around. They risk losing their kids for good by neglecting and abandoning them. The sad part is right now they don't care because they live only for themselves in a very selfish, egotistical way.
My advice is let it be....
Your D is 18 let her figure out a way to contact her Dad, she will come up with something that will surprise you...leave it up to her...stay completely out of it. Be there to support your D, talk about it if she wants to. Do not bring up talking about it with her.
It will kill you to sit by and watch this, but it is part of the process our H's go through. To help you just keep the thought that it is H losing out and not you. You are the constant one in the kids lives and they will never forget the one who was always there for them and all you did for them. It will bring you all closer than you are now. One day H will be on the outside looking in and he will then have to face is choices and actions. Hopefully they will wake up to this sooner rather than later.
Keep taking your frustrations out here or with girlfriends... It's the best choice for now...
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Hre finally answered D text at 11 this morning. She could of been in trouble or anything an noone would of been able to get hold of him unless he just does not answer his phone on purpose.
i know he had his work xmas last night and i would be soooooo shocked if he had taken her.
1. Because people there would of been shocked at that and at his choice. I have known these people for 20 years. 2. I am not convinced it is a heated relationship ( though it could be heating ) 3. None of it makes sense.
I just want to not care. When will this happen. Good question for C 3.
Today i have been low, after 3 days of high. I have decided the H must be very involved with OW. This is based on not one ounce of proof. It is my stinky thoughts.
I suppose what does it, is that I just don't know what he is doing. I certainly don't ask, as he has been very vocal on it being none of my business. He sees it as controlling.
He does not call, text , email or visit. He has withdrawn from anything I am part of. It is so out of character for him. He is not his genuine self OR IS HE. Perhaps I just have never seen that side of him. I certainly dont like it.
I thought about why i was so high the previous 3 days and it was because after I rang H on 2 of those days for real reasons, the conversation was good, he asked how I was, he seemed interested a bit, he shared personal info and he seemed pleased that I had been to girls poker night (rather than just out ). He seemed to like to have that info. Another thing he did say ( quite tentatively ) was that he could have xmas morning with the kids and me. i did not read too much into that , as perhaps he was thinking about the kids . who knows.
i hate the not calling. I get so churned up about it. He does know , that in previous times he has left , that I have gone spare trying to track him down.
But in last 6 -7 weeks , I have not done this. i call for the MOST part , only when necessary. I am pleasant, upbeat etc.
I sent angry text last Wed, which i apologised for. A db backslide, so I am counting my days of successful Dbing since then which is 4. i have only one goal now, a baby step and that is for H to contact me. Once he does I will make another baby step.
Until then I will 1 Not contact unless have to 2. Look good 3. Be upbeat 4. Act as if there was not OW 5. No r talk - thats easy because i hate heariung what he has to say.
I do have a question for everyone:
Tommorrow H has hernia op. D18 taking him to hospital and collecting him the next day. So should i visit him. Should i offer for him to stay here to recoup for a couple of days ?
I have said to him to let me know if there is anything i can do. Was that enough. Would love some guidance please.
Ok you guys are to slow answering and you have been up hours before me Ha Ha.
Well after reading the next chapter in Db i decided that everyones Db is different. All trying different things so it might be hard to advise. But with journalling you may be able to give me a heads up on baby steps or positives I am missing !!!!!!
Sooooo i rang H, as I would of done I think in 10 years time if he was on his own. I offered him the spare room post operation. He did not reject immediatly as I might of expected and said he would see how he felt tomorrow. His tone was down, not jolly but before he got to the phone he sounded jolly in the back ground .
I then said " Would you prefer it if I did not visit tonight in hospital " He said " Oh doesn't matter because I have to get used to it " i said Ok up to you and good luck and bye.
6 weeks ago he said he did not want me either at a family wedding ( which I did not go to ) or at the hospital when he was having his op . So this was a change from past 6 weeks.
Anyways after thinking about his comment, i rang him back to say: " I visit anyone in hospital , your mother and your brother and your father , just thus year. I have a vested interest in you as my kids father and hell I have been around you 30 years "
He said
" Oh I dont mind if you visit - up to you . I just dont care if you dont "
Hi M Welcome to the club re:anguishing over the 'magnitude' of H's R with OW. I am so afraid that H will move out with OW short term (because he's a 'nice guy' and i suspect that she will 'work' on him to get him to move out) that at times i am overwhelmed with angst and have trouble acting 'as if' in the presence of him and the family.
re:your sitch - as you say, everyone's sitch is different, and (of course) i don't know all the ins/outs/details of your sitch. Based on what you describe, and IMO only, i would not have offered the spare room, nor would i have asked if i could visit. And i would not have called either, as per your action list of previous post:
Originally Posted By: Mof3
1 Not contact unless have to 2. Look good 3. Be upbeat 4. Act as if there was not OW 5. No r talk - thats easy because i hate heariung what he has to say.
I think that by doing what you did, you offered him up a perfect opportunity to dole out some more emotional punishment to you, which it appears he did - saying that he didn't care if you didn't come, but you could if you wanted because he's 'gonna havta get used to it' (geez what a way to make you feel welcome!)
And i don't think that offering him to stay at your place makes sense, given the context. You had said previously that he let you know if he needed anything from you, and IMO that was enough.
How about ringing him back up and saying that, unfortunately, the spare room isn't available as you thought it was initially? or, better yet, telling him that via a cellphone text message, because then you avoid getting his response which could be 'oh good, i really didn't want to use your room anyway'.
Just my opinion, M. When H doesn't call for several days, is there anyone else you can call to talk to? i found that it has helped me to be able to talk about this to people around me. I can't vent as much as on the boards here, but it does help a lot!
bon courage and hang in there, M. I agree that the lack of any contact must be very very tough.
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
It is the lack of contact that pushes me to creat oppotunites. I know that one of my goals is no contact but it is hard. It is getting easier i will admit and next week i go away with kids for 2 weeks and there wont be contact.
I suppose my fear is ' out of site, out of mind ' and i have not given up on the possibility that H has got himself into a situation and he is not sure how to get out of. I suppose I just create these oppotunites and watch.
H in operating theatre as we speak. i will go and visit because I think it is the right thing to do. How he views it will be seen.
It sounds like he has detached from you and attached to OW. Don't expect much from him as a father. Instead of being upset or bothered just pick up the slack and use the chance to be close to your kids. Being a parent shouldn't be about him, but your own relationship with your kids. If he died tomorrow you'd have to fill that space. Think of him as "sort of being out of the picture." Eventually he may want to come back in because over time he will realize the loss. But for now you are the parent (and just be thankful he's not hogging the kids and trying to get them to love OW).
I understand what you mean about out-of-sight-out-of-mind and how that's not exactly where you want to go. I did do things to be in my husband's life somewhat so he couldn't forget me. But I have to tell you the effectiveness of this is something to be careful about. For one, don't expect much friendhsip when he's still in the anger stage, you can never ever seem pursuing, it must be pure generous friendship, and ALL interactions should be of a positive nature (replacing negative memories/experiences with positive ones). It's a very slow and gradual thing.
Also, you cannot expect this to stop the D, and you must still emotionally detach and move on. Not easy!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
H in operating theatre as we speak. i will go and visit because I think it is the right thing to do. How he views it will be seen.
You can let him know you are there because you have a history together, children together and that doesn't erase the past. Tell him you would always like to try and be friends even if you both remarry other people so he should expect you to drop by for a visit if he is in the hospital. You'd do that for any friend.
(Hopefully OW will be uncomfortable with the nice, tactful, non-jealous, supportive, Xwife2B, and turn shrewish).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
