Trying2Live-Post #6

[Trying2live]

Okay last part from a former betraying Spouse of inside a mind of a wayward....

Inside the Wayward Mind, part 3:
The distorted and hopefully TEMPORARY "logic" of the wayward...

In an attempt to divert the guilt and shame, and avoid all the hard work that a wayward intrinsically knows they will be faced with upon accepting the reality of what they have done, they look at the person they are married to as a scapegoat. They re-write history from before the A and convince themselves (mostly subconsciously, although some do it consciously) that the M was doomed from either the beginning, or the subsequent years following their wedding day. This is actually easy to do, because ALL M's have their problems. Everyone has flaws, and the wayward focuses on the faults of the betrayed to justify the way they are currently feeling and for the A itself.

The other aspect is the OP. The wayward sees them as their "soul mate" and tells themselves that "everyone deserves to be happy." Therefore, no matter how wrong they know the A is deep down inside, they go with the new age vibe that you must "follow your feelings." They see D all around them and convince themselves that it is the norm. They see other children who have been through a D and say "They are doing just fine," even though those children probably are NOT doing just fine. (Except in the cases where the married home was abusive or otherwise unsafe, etc. In those cases, anyone is better off getting themselves and their children away from an abuser, and with counseling the children may end up OK.)

The wayward can convince themselves of this due to the fact that they are observing from a distance. They do not actively seek to dig deeper and discover that the children of D, especially ones with infidelity as the cause, have an extremely difficult time with anxiety, guilt (why weren't we enough), and as MelodyLane talks about, understanding right from wrong if they are not told the truth about the D. They internalize their pain most of the time, so it is difficult to see what they are going through. The wayward truly believes that "if the children know they are loved by both parents, and my BS and I get along for the children's sake, they will be just fine." To dig deeper for the truth about the affect of D on children would be to vaporize their fantasy world in a very big way. WSs are terrible parents, even if they were great parents before the A.

It is a very scary state of mind for everyone involved. Anything the BS does to try to convince the wayward that what they are doing is wrong is met with hostility and the attitude that the BS is trying to "punish" them for their wrongdoings.

Unfortunately, for most WSs, THAT is the state of existence they remain in, even if the M is salvaged to the point of somewhat peaceful co-existence. It is then the feeling of the wayward that "I have done everything I can...I have stopped the A, I have said I am sorry a thousand times, I have placated you with flowers and cards, and now you just need to be a strong enough person to get over it!" If the BS does not buy into this theory (like W2S) then there is an extended period of time where the WS and BS go round and round in circles, with the BS knowing they deserve more than to be placated, and the WS viewing any attempt at real recovery (talking about the A in full detail, living their lives as an open book, etc) as punishment or as their BS being insecure or needy. Until the WS fully realizes the extent of their damage and faces their greatest moment of selfishness and devastation to their marriage partner, this will be the continued state of existence.

If and when the WS finally comes to the place where they can humble themselves and seek guidance as to the extent of their damage, and change their perspective about the A and the M, they can expect a period of depression. It is truly devastating to honestly realize what I have done (switching to first person to speak from experience). The BS can actually benefit from this, because it offers a time of re-building the love they have for each other. The BS can finally SEE and ACTUALIZE the remorse of the wayward and seek to comfort them, even as they heal themselves. Once this epiphany is achieved, the wayward will be willing and eager to learn all they can of how to comfort their BS and therefore learn and grow together. They can re-connect on a deeply emotional level, fill each other's ENs joyfully and thus create a loving environment where true romantic love can blossom.

An A is never a "good" thing in an M, obviously, but it can be a huge turning point where the couple can grow and be even deeper in love with each other having weathered the storm of the A. They will both realize that everyone makes mistakes, but it is not our mistakes that define us, it is how we cope and make amends for those mistakes that truly make us who we are. The couple then feels pride in the fact that they have recovered successfully from one of the most heart-wrenching travesties known to man.