Trying2Live-Post #6

[Trying2live]

Here's another part to what I posted about the minds of Waywards, it was written by a former Betraying Spouse.....

Inside the Wayward Mind, part 2:
"Your WS is like a drug addict or falling down drunk" analogy

You will hear many people say on this forum that your WS is like a drug addict or falling-down drunk. The reason for this is because trying to reason with a falling down drunk is futile, draining and just plain ridiculous--same with a fogged-out WS. Ask yourself "would I stand in the face of a be-bopping crack addict dying for their next fix and try to talk sense with them?" OF COURSE NOT!!! The spouse you once knew inside and out, who was your best friend, and who loved you with all of their heart and soul is temporarily GONE. They have been replaced with a person who has all the "logic" of a falling-down drunk.

The first step is to take away their keys, so they can’t "drive" or hurt any innocent victims (like your children). But you do not CONFRONT and DEMAND things of an addict, nor do you reason with them. Face to face with a drunk, you hold up the right hand with something to distract them (ooooo, PRETTY) and then with the left hand you gently take the keys out of their hand. As soon as the distraction wears off, you say (bright and cheerily) "Hey, lets go for a drive and go as FAST AS WE CAN!! Wont that be fun-come on!" Of course your intent is NOT to drive as fast as you can, but by the time they are strapped into the passenger seat and you are BEHIND THE WHEEL AND IN CONTROL of the car, they dont remember how they even got there. THIS IS HOW YOU DEAL WITH A WAYWARD---STRATEGY, NOT LOGIC!

The way you would handle an addict in order to actually begin to HEAL them would be to take away their drug. We ALL know how well that goes over in the beginning, right? Anger doesnt even begin to cover it…that is where EXPOSURE comes in with WSs. It is your first line of defense and should hit them much like an INTERVENTION with a drug addict. It must be NUCLEAR! Tell the other person’s spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, your parents, WS's parents, possibly any close friends, possibly the director of HR at their workplace if the A is happening with someone there-- ALL AT ONCE. This way, your WS cannot try to "spin" things that make you look like a fool or a crazy person (and OH YES THEY WILL). You must not warn them it is coming; you must not listen to them when they say "I will DIVORCE you if you tell anyone!!" They ALL say this!! Your M will survive their anger-- it will not survive a continuing A.

But in the end, you can only control yourself. Think about it this way- you can do an intervention with a drug addict, you can hold their hand while they go through treatment and withdrawal, you can tell them you love them even when they turn into a monster and scream filth at you over and over when in the throes of withdrawal, etc. But once they come out on the other side, you cannot control them. Nor are you really in control as to whether they stay in rehab or (with infidelity) maintain no contact with the OP. It is ultimately up to them, and if they choose to continue being destructive, you must then walk away no matter how much you love them (Plan B).

This is just to illustrate HOW the wayward mind thinks and HOW to deal with them to prevent as much damage to yourself and your children as possible.