Trying2Live-Post #6

[Trying2live]

Hey there, not much grocery shopping and errands. Hard being out this time of year. Lots of families out today doing the Christmas thing{{{{sigh}}}}, keep moving forward.....Trying not to be so angry, this is new for me. I don't like the anger, its really hard to work through. It truly makes you want to say forget it, but not for the right reasons, only as retaliation. Doing my best to process through it. People warned me about the angry stage, it didn't think i would get it, funny huh. Anyways posting more interesting stuff to go along with the Surviving An Affair book by Willard Harley, It's from a former walk away wife, see below.....


Wayward Fog Babble (things ALL waywards seem to say):

1. I love you but Im not in love with you
2. I have been unhappy in this marriage for a long time
3. The kids will be fine if we get a divorce as long as we remain friends (for their sake)
4. I just dont feel that way about you any more
5. The OP (other person) has nothing to do with the way I feel about you now
6. You are a wonderful person, we just arent meant to be together
7. I am just confused, this has nothing to do with you
8. I am doing the best I can,I just cant decide what I want
9. I need some time/space to sort all of this out
10. I need some time/space to find myself
11. I am so tired of feeling this way!
12. Cant you just accept that it is over?
13. Why are you being nice to me when I do not deserve it?
14. You have never been there for me
15. I am going to file for divorce, I just dont have the money/time/strength, etc right now
16. I am not going to change the way I feel, why dont you move out and file for divorce
17. The children will learn to love the OP like I do
18. I cant help myself
19. Nothing you do will ever make me love you that way again
20. My happiness has to be my number one priority
21. I will DEFINITELY divorce you if you expose to anyone or confront the OP
22. You never listened to me BEFORE now; quit acting like you hear me NOW!

And on and on... The justifications of a WS can be mind-boggling! Wayward fog babble can be EXTREMELY convincing, though, especially to the BS. The reason for this is because the WS ABSOLUTELY believes what they are saying at the time. The BS has to keep in mind, though, that the justifications are so great for a WS because it is a defense mechanism to WARD OFF the feelings of guilt and shame that they SHOULD feel. Guilt and shame KILL the fantasies of a WS, and are replaced with unfounded excuses.

From the utterly ridiculous such as Mrs. W (to her husband) You use Grandma Toothpaste! to the ones that are a complete re-write of history, to the ones that are interlaced with TRUTH about the state of the M pre-A. Those are the ones that HURT the most, but you must try to turn the HURT into INTEL and therefore use it as a WEAPON against the A.

Example: "You never listened to me (noticed me,etc) before the A, why should I believe youll listen to me now?" This cuts deep as you realize that the communication (or intimacy, etc) WAS lacking in the M pre-A. Ok..BUT, you must then prove your WILLINGNESS TO CHANGE in the face of devastation. The WS is giving you WEAPONS to use against him/her in your WAR against the A. So, ask yourself- if their complaints sound ridiculous, they probably ARE…but if what they just said rings true Pre-A, think about it and figure out what TRUTH there is in it and then CHANGE that part of yourself. Obviously the WS is not going to believe the changes at first, (which they WILL tell you-IGNORE them) and they will not reciprocate, but that is NOT the reason you are changing. You are making yourself a better person for:
1.) When they come back to the M, OR
2.) Yourself as you move forward on your own, and in future relationships.

WS's re-write histor.. "There was no romance or passion between us throughout our WHOLE marriage." Obviously this is/was fog babble. It felt true to me then because I had allowed another man to enter my life and fill my ENs to the point that I felt I was in love with him and that he was my "soul mate." This statement/belief obviously hurt my BH very deeply. But as soon as I removed the OM and got through the fog, I realized of course, that not only was it an untrue assessment, but that those feelings could be recaptured for us by following the ten basic concepts of a happy marriage by Dr. Harley.