You are definitely right about the not faking it part. I've been crying and praying a lot these last two days. It seems like I am most down when my wife and I are making the most progress. I think what is happening is that I am yearning for more, missing the times when we were truly together. I wish she was ready to go to the next level, but I know I must be patient and trust God to bring it all together in his timing. I have been doing a fairly good job of faking it around my wife - but it really hits home when I am alone. I feel like this whole process thing is a big tease sometimes - so close yet so far away sort of thing.
Today we all went to see the nutcracker. It was very nice as we all got dressed up. It did bring back some memories as the nutcracker was one of the first places I took my wife when we were dating. I wanted to cry several times during the ballet as my mind was just wondering off about my wife, but luckily I got a grip of my emotions. Earlier that morning I went with my wife to get her hair done and to buy some shoes for the dress I brought her the week before. Later that evening she and one of her girl friends went to a Christmas party at some hotel for her work. I was really hoping she would have invited me, but oh well. Overall, it was nice day.
I have been exercising almost everyday. I've been doing a program called P90X off of some DVDs I brought a while back. It has definitely helped. Taking work home has also help to distract me. Like I said in a previous post - I am really falling in love with my wife again. I feel like my love for her and our daughter is growing each day. However, I have to try to not get ahead of myself. My wife is not at the same page yet, so I have to hold back on a lot of feelings at the moment. I so want to tell her how much I love her and the best I can do is journal my thoughts until that time comes.
Quote:
the deep love that may go unrequited for a period of time will wither without the "deep well" of God's love flowing through you
That statement is so true. Lately I've been asking God to fill the void/emptiness in my heart with his love. It is so easy at times to feel like I am giving and giving. I sometimes wonder to myself, when is it going to be my turn to receive love. And yet, the reality is only God can satisfy that deep yearning to be loved that each of us have. I also know that I must love my wife unconditionally, regardless of if that love is ever returned. This can not be about me. It has to be about making sure that my wife is loved and is the best version of herself that she can be.
