Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Today has been a replay of the tough times in our marriage.

Recently, I gave my XW the truth on an issue that she asked my for my truth. She in turn storms off with hurt feelings. I have learned through my divorce journey to stand silent and strong in the face of her storm because, like any other storm, she loses energy, loses steam and loses her desire to be mad. I spoke with my mother after this episode and told my mom, "I know how to stay out of these storms. I guess I just need to keep my mouth shut." My mom answered, "Why? I wouldn't."

I thought about my mom's answer some more and came to the conclusion that a good portion of the deterioration of my marriage was the fact that I did not/would not stand my ground and be assertive with her, nor speak my truth to her when she asked for it, because I was afraid at she would tell me (again!) that she wanted me to move out or that she wanted a divorce. I must admit, keeping my mouth shut got me divorced, as I ended up frustrated, afraid of divorce, and unfulfilled in my marriage.

Now, I am not saying that I think being a jerk is the right way to be. What I am saying is that as a spouse, one MUST spend time in self-reflection and be willing to articulate what they want and to assert their rights as an individual while respecting their partner's rights as a separate and distinct, unique individual. I did not do that. Hence, here I am.

Do I KNOW that what I am doing today will bring my wife and I back to reconciliation? NO! However, I do know that my past actions and inaction put our marriage on a slippery slope and I only greased the slope further by not being able to see the forest for the trees because my nose was touching the first HUGE tree.

Today, XW told me about her interactions lately with her mom, including their unpleasantness at work. Again, XW asks me my thoughts and I am very measured about what and how I respond to her because XW is used to people like her friends who simply pat her on the head and are not truthful with her. Part of the reason they are not truthful with XW is because XW, lost most of us, gives a one-sided account of the event, so not much for her friends to add or assist her with.

XW goes on, and asked me if she has any character flaws or defects and I pause. She pushes. I tell her, "Listen, I've told you this before, "You can be selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed." XW's response, "No I'm not. I ALWAYS think of other people first." I know her. She thinks of others first if it involves going out or partying. THAT's not real life, at least not in my estimation.

XW tells me that what I say to her is judgmental. I said, of course it is. Whenever we are talking about something that is subjective rather than objective, there is always an element of judgment and discernment. That's called conversation. Giving an opinion. Relating an experience. XW then proceeds to tell me that I am the most hypocritical person she knows. I simply said, thank you, that's why I work on improving myself everyday.

XW then leaves and while walking to her car, she looks back and said that I hurt her feelings. From my personal experience, things said to me, about me, that are true hurt. I generally am not bothered by someone else's untrue "word dump." Earlier this year, XW's best buddy was telling me that she could see XW and I getting back together. I told her I don't see it. She won't ever listen to what I say to her. XW's best friend said, "Trust me, she listens to EVERYTHING you say and takes it all to heart." I do know this, as long as I was not mean or a jerk, XW will come back to me to apologize for reacting the way she did, and we move forward from there. I view it as, kind of like, building a new bridge, plank by plank. When XW does this, we just laid another plank on bridging our two hearts together once again.

So here I am, stuck with the same unknowable quandary of how to best interact with XW. Her own mother sees that she is hyper-volatile. I suppose I need to continue to work on me and love our children. The rest is in His hands. If it's His will, we will reconcile. If it's not His will, I only ask that the Holy Spirit help me to understand and accept His will and to make my way forward in a new chapter; a new life.