Ok, MC. I agree. I did not HAVE to call him. In my mind, if I didn't call him, I couldn't plan my Sunday properly. I didn't want to come home from my party and have to deal with him being there without being prepared. I wanted to figure out some timeframe for him coming over just so that I could figure out how to be gone.
If I'm going to be gone.
I think I'm going to be gone.
I will be gone?
I did separate out some of his stuff that I know he'd never find and piled it in the living room for when he comes to pick up his things as I am pretty sure I won't be around.
It did go reasonably well in that I didn't leave the conversation feeling any kind of extreme emotion. Yesterday when I'd talked with him, I was ready to kill something.
I am really, really, really trying to keep my expectations at zero. Every single time I think that he might want to actually have a nice lunch and be normal because he misses me, I have to thought-stop and remind myself that there are a hundred horrible things that i have to prepare myself for. For all I know, it could be the worst lunch of my life - or just more of the same. So yeah, got to prepare.
I'm really trying to be at ZERO. If I was at 10 yesterday then I'd say I'm at 6 today. So yeah, not zero, but I'm trying. Of course, we all know how much can happen in a day.
I'm also trying my hardest to brace myself for the worst - to expect to be disappointed and hurt in really huge ways. I'm trying to prepare myself for immeasurable pain.
Of course, watching a knife come at you is nothing like getting stabbed, but I suppose it's the best I can do. The good news is that I have a party tonight. I'm gonna look hot and laugh and drink and get an award. So yeah, it'll be a good night.
