It is perfectly natural to feel how you are feeling. I will tell you something my IC said to me and maybe it will bring you some comfort. He told me not to confuse getting stronger with no longer feeling bad about the situation. You see, I asked why I am still crying so much and still feeling so sad even though everyone around me keeps telling me how much stronger I am getting.
He reminded me that one can get stronger every day and still grieve at the same time.
...do not make decisions about your relationship until you are sure of the source of the feelings. Beth
Hi Beth, Thanks so much for stopping by my thread and offering your insights...It was very helpful to read about what your IC said regarding getting stronger and still feeling pain. I've had the same kind of wonderment in my head at times - hearing friends and family tell me that I sound strong and healthy - much more so than before - and then waking to a morning of utter sadness...and just wishing the day would pass.
In the last couple days I've felt very different - and today, while having a small pre-Christmas celebration with my boys - I just felt wonderful and happy...and didn't have the empty feeling that I thought might seize me as they unwrapped their presents. Last night, S11 and I decorated the tree together - and I set up some lights on the outside of the house as well - even wrapped a palm tree in lights...which made me chuckle at the fact that I live in Southern CA...where I never in my life expected to live.
This morning has been wonderful with the boys - and they both seemed to love their presents...I'm thinking I might surprise them with another small Christmas celebration next Saturday - since my S11 and I leave on Sunday for the holidays - and S2 will be with his mom while we're gone.
My W was her same dark, cold self this morning. I walked out and happily said good morning - she turned her back on me and reached into the car - very obviously avoiding eye contact. It just didn't bother me - I picked up my baby boy, wished her a good day and went inside - as I walked away she snipped at me about waiting for her to get his sippy cup out of the car - since I had asked for it - but I simply said, "It looks like you don't have it" - then turned and went into the house with my baby - and showed him the Christmas tree.
A few minutes after my W left, she called - I didn't answer - and she left a message saying that S2 hadn't eaten that much today and reminding me that she was going to pick him up at 6pm today...something of a needless message, since I would feed him anyway...and I already knew what time she was coming by later. I'm feeling better and better about the space between us - especially when I saw her anger again this morning - which was just another reminder of how very toxic she can be...and how very unhappy she can make moments...which is a shame, since she has such a beautiful way of being - and can be so very full of life...maybe she just can't be that way around me anymore...since she hasn't been that way around me for a couple years now...I suppose I bring out the worst in her... (I write with a smile)...
The boys and are are heading out for Santa pictures now...
The mourning process continues...and I do still feel the sadness...but it's not nearly as brutal as it was a couple days ago...and I'm also beginning to see that my W is the one that will be missing out on a lot - I have a lot to offer her - a lot of love and life - but she just wants something else for herself...something that I guess I can't satisfy for her...but I know that I can have a happy, fulfilling life - and that is what I'll do....
