Countdown to New Year, and fresh start?

[optimistwife]

Hi ITH,

I am happy to be the first one to post on your new thread. I think it is wonderful that you have so many trips planned together. Those are major commitments to being together in the future. You are doing a good job of not being as reactive to situations, which obviously makes him more comfortable around you. There are still shades of control coming through in your post- such as how you have made a mental plan that you'd like to have a re-commitment ceremony in march... This is your timeline! Not his.

If this ever happens it should be him leading the way- not you saying that you want/need it to happen. Can you have a great marriage if it doesn't happen? Probably. It may not be important to him.

I talked to Jody the other day and once again she had tons of insight. Especially helpful as my sitch has changes for the better so fast. There is temptation to want to talk about what when wrong (on my part, and at family/friends urging). She said that no good comes of this- it just puts H on defensive and will make him feel guilty. Instead talk about what is going well, what is different that is making new R work. See if you can talk about what has changed and how to keep those things going forward.

I guess I agree- that looking back may only ever bring pain and certainly rehashing things won't keep them from happening again- ever. Only by changing our attitudes and actions can we make and keep our marriages healthy and prevent the problems that contributed to the separations (control, fighting, lack of emotional intimacy).

I hope you are feeling better soon, but for now just take a break and take care of yourself. You deserve it. I think being curled up in bed all day should give H plenty of space!

Get well!