No longer pedaling uphill...I'm just coasting now!

[sandi2]

I am so amazed how you have composed yourself with so much grace. Even the anger seems to be leaving. I know that a little bit is still there about what happened with OW, b/c that would be only natural, but I read you post to Kristi and it was so good and so strong. Proud of you. Who would have thought a few weeks ago that you would be looking forward to having a weekend like you have planned? You really are making the most with what you have to work with.....and the rest is in God's hands. That is what each of us have to do.

I talked to my D a long time again yesterday. She is still very upset, but I think her (almost) hysteria is beginning to settle down, but it is turning very quickly into a deep depression. I talked hard to her about turning it all over to God. This is not a new thing for her to hear from me, as you might imagine....with me as her mother. I only hope that she still has enough respect for me that she will listen. But, you know what? I was the first one she turned to. Not her H, not her daddy......but it was "Mama" that she kept saying over and over on the phone message. She was crying so hard and just saying, "Mama, Mama". So, that gives me hope that she has been able to put what she found out about me in the past and that she still has that love for me that she use to. I just want to not appear to sound hypocritical in anything I say. Nor, do I want to remind her how she put me and her dad through the wringer when she was the age her son is now. I did remind her of my personal fear when I had to watch her leave home when she was too immature to handle her disease and was still so "brittle" (as the doctor's called it) and when I watched her and her H pulled out of our drive way to move across the country.....I went into the house and literally fell on the floor with my face before God. I never felt so scared and so helpless in all my life to watch my child leave and fear getting a call from my SIL saying that she was dead. Even though I had tried to make her be responsible for her own disease, I was the one that made sure that she was doing it. Now, she was too far away for me to do anything.......so I was truly helpless. I knew I could not live like that in so much fear every day or I would lose my mind. So, I had to put her into God's hands. I had done that with other things a lot of times. I had prayed and done the steps of letting God take charge......but until you reach that place of total complete helplessness and you are absolutly on your face before Him about your precious child......that is as "real" as it gets. I don't know how long I laid on the floor. My H came in and found me and held me and asked me if I was alright. I told him that I was......now. B/c I had given it all to God. I knew He could take care of her much better than I could and that He loved her much more than I did, and that He wanted the very best for her. So, I depended upon that to get me through.

I told her about that yesterday. And told her that she had to do the same where her child was concerned. I told her that I knew the pain she was feeling and that almost every mother will experience something similar to that if their child lives long enough b/c very few escape it these days. I hope I did not sound "preachy" to her in my wanting to try to help her cope with this. It is hurting me also, b/c he is our first GC and as you know, he is very special to us. But, I know that he has to learn some of life's lesson on his own and usually it is the hard way........and we can do nothing but stand aside while he does it.....and just pray that he does not do something that will totally ruin his life forever. There again, we have to have faith in God to somehow intervene (if it is His will to do so) to keep GS from doing what we are afraid of him doing at this time. Perhaps it is something that comes along with growing.....( started to say "older", but I promised somebody that I would stop referring to my age....can't remember who it was right not...lol) but anyway....just growing as time passes us by,,,,you have to realize that there is really nothing that you can do about some things. We have a choice of letting it break us by fretting and wringing our hands and losing our minds over it.......or depending on the Lord to step in and do His work. As I have told all of you over and over again......the person that we are praying for needs to be in God's will for things to really go well b/c otherwise God will have to allow certain things to happen to either "teach" that individual what He wants them to learn or use a 2x4 on them. But I believe that my GS is a child of God and I think God can speak to GS's heart and hopefully GS will do what he needs to do and not mess his future up. Due to my.....er....."experience over the years" (lol) I have learned this, but I think my daughter is having a very, very difficult time in doing this. That is why I asked you to pray for me that I do not come across to her as being "Ms. Know It All" or see me as a hypocrited b/c of my "stuff" she knows about.

It is very hard for her to get a grip on her emotions, once she looses control. I don't know if her disease has anything to do with that or not, I just know what it can do to her if she doesn't settle down. She told me that she kind of had a "fit" after I talked to her and told her h that I had told her that she had to be strong. She said she did not want to be strong, that she was tired of always having to be strong for somebody else's sake, and that she needed this one time to be weak and albe to fall apart. She just wanted to be allowed this one time. Well, she didn't understand what I was trying to tell her and I want go into futher details about that part, but we all do need a time or moment that we are allowed to be weak in our private times and cry our heart out or thow things around or whatever makes us feel better. I was mainly talking about her health and that she knew she would end up in the hospital if she didn't get control. However, you all know that there is always somebody in our lives that we must be strong for. I have always been the "strong one" in my family.....or at least I felt like I had to be. When my dad passed away, I felt I had to be stong for everyone else in my family......but I had my moments in private....believe you me. As long as you are a "family" (regardless of who makes up your family) you have to think of them and try to be strong and put your best foot forward for them. That is what has made my family strongly united and I think I realized that when I was trying to explain that to my daughter. Yes, there are times that we need to be allowed our weak moments and that is when the other loved ones need to come to our aide, but we soon must pull up our boot straps and realize that we have to go on b/c there are others in our lives that are important also. She has a new H who is very sweet and good to her and I just don't want this thing that has happened with her son to ruin her new M with her H due to her depression or bitterness of what has happened. Does that make sense?

Amy, I apologize for taking over you stitch this morning. I should have been writing all of this over on my own thread. I got carried away....as usual.

As I have told all you girls that have been posting on Amy's thread (and some of you guys too), you are like my kids and I share these personal things in my life b/c I hope that in some small way, somebody will see something or learn something that they can apply to their own life. You know, last night i was asked how I could be reached privately b/c another poster wanted to talk to me. I did not know if the moderator would allow me to give my email, but I put it on there. I hope she will go back and see it. Then I got concerned that somebody that knows me will put 2 & 2 together and my reputation will be ruined. So, there again, I have to put it into God's hands. If I can help this other poster by giving my email for her to talk priately to me, then I will take that chance and ask for His protection over that. I feel that right now, He has given me this board as......well.....sort of a ministry in a way to try to help other. I don't think I do such a hot job of it and in the beginning I sure didn't ever think of it turning into something like that some day. But now that I can't do anything in the church like I use to.....this seems to be what I have. That is what my H told me on Thanksgiving Day when I shared with him what Amy had said to me and I told him that is the reason I spend so many hours every day on this computer. He said that he saw where it could be quite a ministry. And, he seemed to be somewhat "soothed" by the fact that I shared that post with him, if you know what I mean. He knew I was on this board every night and probably was wondering what all bad stuff I was saying about him (lol). I have felt that there were times after the EA that he probably spied and read some things. But I don't think he does now. I think he has seen that my heart is true in what I am trying to do.

WOW! Amy, I hope I did not lock this thread up, sweetie. But if so, you know how to startg another one. (lol) Thanks for bearing with me while I just talked this morning. That is therapy to me, also. You may get tired of hearing this, and if you knew me personally you would know that I am not the mushy type, but everytime I start to tell all you girls how I feel about you, I start to cry. You all do have a special place in my heart......even if I get some of the information confused (ugh) I still care about each of you so much. The Carpel Tunnel is so bad in my hands this morning that you will have to over-look my typos.

Hope all of you have a good weekend. I probably will be back tomorrow, if not later, but I am hoping upon hope that the Lord will give me enough strength and energy to do something with this poor house.

Talk to you later if your ears aren't completely burned off by now.

Sandi