It's 5:39 in the mroning and I cannot sleep. I woke up from more nightmares of him leaving, and now here I am, awake and smoking in my little office.
Sometimes, this is all so surreal. Sunday will mark a month to the day that he first brought up the subject of "talking about our marriage". I cannot believe that so much has happened in such little time. In just under a month, the man I knew and loved disappeared, and he's been replaced with a stranger that I cannot understand.
I keep asking myself how he can do this. How can he hurt me so bad, again and again? How can he walk away from everything we were working towards? How can he discard me - our life, our friendship, our bond, our history, our love - so easily? How can he have given up without even truly trying?
Sure, he may have been giving up for a long time now, but I can't understand not articulating any of that until he's already decided it's over.
Maybe it was never truly right. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe I did hang on for the wrong reasons.
But I still feel so much love and so much loss. It is almost unbearable.
And I know him - if he's hurting, he's repressing it. He's hiding from it. He's running from it. He's drowning it, pretending it doesn't exist and chasing it away with his new girl and his new friends.
He's trying to erase everything.
When his mother died, I watched his father, and I should have known then. My H always idolized his father, always is seeking his approval and trying to be like him. Not even a week after his mom died, his father was already dating another woman. He married that other woman several years later, removed all of their family pictures, and went about life as though his wife and the mother of his children never existed except for an occassional comment or two. When she died, his father never even cried around the children. Not once.
So there you have it. I have to accept the great likelihood that my H is doing the same thing - will do the same thing. Instead of dealing with the pain, considering the situation, etc - he'll just rush out and make a new life.
Who knows. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll never know either way.
I feel as though I cannot think of anything now. If I think of high school, he's there. If I think of college, he's there. If I think of my adult life, he's there.
I have to take myself so far back to remember a time without him that I cannot even remember a person that resembles me without remembering him.
He has literally been the most important person in half of my sentient life. How does one walk away from that?
I am filled with a sadness without borders, without boundaries. My every dream for the future is dead. My every memory of the past is dead.
There is only this moment, and this moment is only pain.
I hurt so much, and the only comfort I want is the comfort I cannot have - my friend, my partner, my husband.
Do people really do this? Do people really walk away from their history without a backwards glance, becoming a new person and forsaking everything that once mattered to them?
Maybe it won't go south with the OW. Maybe he'll like this new life. Maybe he'll stick around and try to make it work as he tried to make us work.
I know that I have to move on. I know that I have to drop the rope, that I cannot allow this thing to swallow my whole life - to swallow me. But it just hurts so bad.
He's not only betrayed me as a husband. He's betrayed me as a friend.
I'm thinking of my grandma right now. She's 87 years old. We just visited her in September, and we'd had a really wonderful trip. My H loves my grandma so much, and I think to myself, "How can he do this to her?" She's at the end of her life, and now she is faced with losing a grandson, with watching him walk away.
We were going to help my grandma with her car payments. When we visited, he hugged her so many times, played cards with her, took her to Red Lobster and made her so happy.
My grandma's two wishes in life were to see me graduate from college and to see me married. I'm so sorry that she now has to see me divorced.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to think. I feel as though I'll never stop hurting.
I miss him so much. I miss my husband and my friend. I miss the boy that took my to my senior prom and watched me get crowned Queen. I miss my friend that wrote me letters and poems. I miss my friend that watched zombie movies with me on the couch and that snuggled in bed with me and our dog. I miss my friend that sobbed with me at his mother's grave. I miss my friend that was always there to comfort me, that was there to help me move in and out of apartments and dorm rooms. I miss my friend that bought me silly stuffed animals and wrote me long cards for my birthday. I miss my friend that made tents with me in our living room out of sheets and watched werewolf movies with me on my 26th birthday because I just wanted to be silly. I miss my friend that bought me a fish in my first year of college so that I wouldn't be lonely. I miss my friend that drew me a batha nd held me close this past summer when i thought my father might die. I miss my friend that made up silly names for our animals and who cried in my arms when his boyhood dog died this past summer. I miss my friend that smoked with me on our back patio and talked about all of our dreams. I miss my friend that was so nervous when he proposed that he forgot to get down on one knee, whose hands were shaking like leaves.
Where did that person go? I want that person back. I feel like this new man has killed my friend, has killed my husband, has killed the good person I knew so well.
I am lost. I am drifting. I have no compass, no north star. This new life is a wilderness without heat, without comfort, without a safe place to rest.
I feel broken, as though I cannot continue.
There is only God, now. I lay myself at God's feet. It is God who must carry us all.
~Nas
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.
