Countdown to New Year, and fresh start?

[istherehope]

Hi,

My last thread locked, which was fitting as I feel it's time to move to a new chapter. Apologies in advance as this is going to be a bit long. I just feel the need to recap things today, so that I can remember how far I've come.

At this point H and I are no longer separated, although there was never an "official" decision to move back in together, just sort of something that started, went well, and continues to go well. We used to fight like nobody could imagine, yelling, tears, slamming doors, the whole bit. It would be rare to go 3 days without a major fight, and usually about something stupid that was probably covering up bigger issues. I'm pleased to say that I have been back for just over 30 days now, and we haven't had any real fights. We are making purchases together, signing contracts for services etc., but just missing "the" talk and verbal re-commitment. If and when H puts his ring back on, I will move to piecing. Until then I will stay on this board. The title of my last post was stage 2.25. I think now we are at stage 2.5. We are definitely friends in terms of having normal conversations, laughing together etc. There is ML, infrequent, but it does happen. There is some affection, especially in bed, a lot more anyway than a few weeks ago. There is a bit more intimacy, in that H has opened up a lot about his family, his job etc. We are still not at the point where we are talking about the R, or his own therapy, but this is fine with me for now. I don't feel as awkward or nervous now if I need to call or IM H about something. It feels more normal and natural, and while I do try to maintain a certain level of distance, I am not walking on eggshells. If and when we start having more frequent affection and/or exchange ILYs, then I will consider us at stage 3. I guess each sitch is different, but that is what stage 3 would mean for me.

This thread is "countdown to New Year" because we have a trip planned starting on New Years Eve. I have a good feeling about this trip as it is going to be the first time in nearly 6 months that we have done things with other people. So even though those other people are my ex and his GF, they are nonetheless another couple, and I am quite sure that H will naturally act a little more affectionate with me in front of the ex. He says he's not jealous, and I don't think he really is, but I think it's just human nature in a way. This trip will give me the opportunity to remind H of who I am in a social setting, who I am as a person outside of the R and the way that other people react to me. I think this is a good thing. We will also be in a new country together, one we have never visited before so we will get to discover new things. This is positive.

Then of course we have 2 more trips coming up, one next month, and one in March. Ironically the one in March is tentatively booked for our 5th anniversary. This is far enough out that I am hoping by that time I can actually mention this to H. When all of this started I had hopes of renewing our vows on our 5th wedding anniversary. I guess we'll see what happens between now and then. We also have another anniversary in June. This is because we were officially married in the US, and then had our big wedding in Mexico a few months later. So these are both our anniversaries in a way...

So last night I went to the company Xmas party. I had an OK time, but was feeling really sick so came home at around 10 PM. H was in bed, hungover from the night before as expected. This morning I am feeling incredibly ill, terrible cold, congestion, and fuzzy head. I don't see much GAL for me this weekend, though I may push the envelope and go to town today for a short period of time.

I hope that I will have more interesting and positive news to report later, but it's unlikely that much will happen this weekend R wise as H needs to write a couple of papers for school, and I am not in the best frame of mind due to feeling so sick. It will probably be best for me just to curl up on the couch with the cats for the time being :).

ITH