Thanks for everyone's support. I need to feel liked right now, which sounds pathetic.
Cookie, it is lonely, and it is humiliating. Dudess, it does feel awful.
And what makes me ANGRY is that just a few days ago, he wakes me up in a panic attack and clings on to me like I'm a damn life preserver...yet..when I need something it's like...huh? What do you want now? It makes me feel like I'm a thing, an object...something to be used. It makes me sick.
But...I am a warrior (thanks A )...and yeah, I do validate my own reality. I'm strong enough. It just sucks. Guess that sums up most of the board...we're all strong enough...but it just sucks. What did mules say the other day...anticipating major suckage...that made me laugh. At least I have friends...some people don't even have that. Think about how many lonely people are out there suffering by themselves. So I am very thankful for the people I've met here.
Okay. Sun's shining. That helps. H sent me an email saying he's leaving work early to come get the boys and get out of here for the weekend. Says he hopes I'm feeling better since the sun is shining. (So he does know a few things about me) I am really dying for them all to get out of here and let me just do whatever for a few days. Don't have to hear the dreaded "I'm hungry."
I read this in my Al Anon book:
My life is a series of unfoldings -- incidents and occasions, agreeable or distressing. Each day is full of them, hour by hour, and this makes it difficult for me to take a detached view of all that is happening. I'm too close.
If these occurrences were like so many pieces of merchandise -- groceries or dry goods -- I would see them clearly, good and bad. Looking at the incidents of my life this way, I might be astonished to discover that the good far outweigh the bad. And yet, I concentrate so heavily on my trials and burdens that I hardly give a thought to relishing the pleasant and satisfying things that happen each day.
This noticing is an acute awareness of our surroundings and what takes place in them. It can be cultivated, like watching a play or a film. Today's Reminder: If I learn to see everything with a fresh eye, I will find I have many reasons for contentment and gratitude. When I find myself bogged down with negative thoughts, I will deliberately turn away from them. Let me observe with new interest even the commonplace things that happen in each new day.
So. That's something to think about. I have on my favorite old blue jeans. Revel in small pleasures.
breakaway, thanks for that uplifting post. It's all to easy to get sucked down in the quicksand, this reminds me that I do have a choice. I WILL focus on the glass half full. Thanks for the prayers yesterday. Today is better. Wish I could grab some of that sun, but since snow is on the way, I'll take that instead! love, Goldey
Anytime you want sun, head my way. We have 340 average days of sunshine per year. Today it was 64, but sunny & gorgeous.
Hugs
Enjoy the quiet house. I envy you a few days of solitude.
Can I come over ??
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Have I told you we just got S12 diagnosed with ADHD-I. The I is for inattentiveness. I suspected something for a few years (8-9 lol ) now. The other day I told S9 a series of 5 tasks to complete. He did all 5. I gave S12 a similar 5. He got lost after 1.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Yeah, I have inattentive type. One thing I've tried to explain to H over the years is that there are 500 possible things I could be doing in a given day. Where do you start, you know? And of course, living with him, it doesn't matter which ones I do, I didn't do such and such instead. Oh...and HE could do all of it no problem. Right, H.
This reminds of me of something that has worked in the past! He used to get me so upset...when I was home with the babies..that he could do everything if he had to do it...(I think he hears this from his mother...she loves to say things like "well I never got behind on my laundry) And of course I would plead and cry and get angry and TRY to get him to understand,etc. But I remember one time I said...yeah right, you wouldn't last a day...and laughed...and he laughed back. And he said you're probably right.
The other thing is if I agree with him when he says something accusing... I mean, it's sarcastic, but it seems to stop him in his tracks...
He started one of his arguments, and tried to silence me again when I tried to respond, and he says I don't want to fight, why do you want to fight about it??
And I said, yeah, I WANT to fight, H, it's fun...and kind of rolled my eyes (have you guys noticed I have a rolling eyes problem)...but I saw him catch himself. Which worked a lot better than saying, but, H, I don't want to fight!!!
Okay, gotta figure out what to do with my ADHD self...I have a day wiiiide open, and I think I could walk in circles for all of it. Maybe I should put some ideas on pieces of paper and then draw one out of a hat and do it. LOL
I think I have one with "I" issues as well.... does it help that it's the H? seriously.. I think D14 has those issues. Cookie do you have more on that?
((breakaway)) hope the ideas on paper helped you focus & accomplish what you needed for you today.
hugs to U! Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
)...and yeah, I do validate my own reality. I'm strong enough. It just sucks. Guess that sums up most of the board...we're all strong enough...but it just sucks. What did mules say the other day...anticipating major suckage...that made me laugh. At least I have friends...some people don't even have that. Think about how many lonely people are out there suffering by themselves. So I am very thankful for the people I've met here.
