I was unfaithful #4

[mamanpc]

Christmas day - he has siad that he is happy to come around xmas morning and spend that with the kids - is this good Dbing to allow this. He would leave lunchtime.

Me - if I am to give this man up , then having xmas would kill me. I would prefer to have xmas morning on my own and then let our kids go to him in the afternoon.

Kids - 2 of them dont care and one says she is staying put and refuses to have 2 christmas

Oh M0f3, to me it's clear that your kids would really like to have a calm peaceful xmas ALL TOGETHER - IMO (and of course i may be wrong because you are the only one who can really know your sitch) the ones that are saying 'they don't care' are just trying to avoid hurting your feelings.

And having xmas with H together doesn't have to 'kill you'. You can start preparing for it NOW - by working on detaching yourself from your emotions as much as you can when you think of H and visualising him as an important companion in your life, a friend, whatever, but NOT as H with OW and all that negative stuff.

In addition, whatever happens to your R with H, you will ALWAYS BOTH be the only unique authentic biological parents of your children, as long as you live - and your kids, at least until they're grown up, IMO, will ALWAYS prefer celebrating xmas ALL TOGETHER as a family, WHATEVER your R with H. 'Family' can be 'mom+dad+kids' and not 'husband+wife+kids' and STILL be a family.

If you could succeed in spending that xmas morning as a mom who loves her kids and a 'pleasant companion' (I quote my own DB coach) to H while he's there - that would be such a big win for you!
Think about it - xmas morning would last what - 3, maybe 4 hours max? you can prepare for it just as you would prepare for a 'performance' at the office/on stage/in sports, whatever - exercising beforehand to burn off some of your negative energy (physical activity of ANY kind does wonders for the mindset, even if it's only going for a brisk walk), visualising the morning in advance in your head the way you WANT it to happen, while breathing deeply and calmly with your eyes closed.

The day before i cam home this weekend and while i'm home, for ex, i've exercised and meditated and visualised the weekend going ok - and it has so far, except for one terrible accident (i ran over and killed one of our doggies when i arrived, arg arg arg! we're going to bury him in our pasture tomorrow).

I also have not read the books cover to cover and probably that may be contributing to my lack of understanding.

Time for my little '2x4' like sandi2 says - how can you possibly apply the DB approach correctly if you haven't read at least the DR book cover to cover? every word and action in it that describes the approach is significant. i've read it and re read it and i know i'm still not doing everything the way i should.

Have you considered indiivual DB coach sessions, if you can afford them? phone calls internationally now are so cheap and there's gotta be at least a small timezone that overlaps with your location. I have found the individual sessions really helpful because they are tailored to my own particular sitch and makes it much easier to understand the best way to apply DB methods.

An individual DB coach session might be a great investment towards succeeding in celebrating xmas altogether as PARENTS (not H and W) with your kids. Xmas all together with you succeeding in establishing a calm presence would be best, IMO.