Hi everyone! Went to the Cavs game tonight with my cousin and some friends to celebrate my b-day. The Cavs look unbeatable...
This doesn't apply to DBing and I may start to ramble so bare with me.... just an interesting conversation I would like to share...
Anyway, I only see my cousin about twice a year and he has NEVER met my wife (timing issues). He's probably the smartest person I know, total brainiac, and works with predictive analysis with cause and effect. Basically, stuff I don't understand. He's not "good with the ladies" shall we say but he gets cause and effect.
He we talked for a few hours over dinner and drinks about my sitch and he became very interested. We went over everything (texts, emails and my threads, stuff I remembered that wasn't documented) and I even brought up my threads on my Blackberry (love that thing!). I'm sure we analyzed it was too much, but he loves this stuff and frankly I appreciated his interest. It was more fun for him then helping family. Weird dude.
The very first thing he suggests is that W knows OM won't work. She may try like hell but W "knows" it won't work. He looks at the evidence that their R is already having issues, his basic faults, the words and phrases they repeat, life situations, no commitment/guarantee and the emotional investment W has already made in OM.
He thinks she is "staging" at this point. Basically, using a set of circumstances to propel herself to another set of circumstance but doesn't know what the next set is. For example, W is using the OM to get her thru the D, knows the R w/ the OM won't work, but doesn't care because W wants to get thru D. W hasn't applied rational thought to post D life. Like having blinders on. When she applies rational thought, she has emotional breakdowns.
He thinks she has some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy going on in her head.
He points to very specific instances that "turned" W toward me. First was the 11/17 date to sign D papers, next was some pursuing by me (ILYs included), W wanting me to be around during that time. He thinks W was feeling her way to see if she could get back in before cutting off OM. When W knew door was open she came back. We had a bad argument and she was gone. He feels my meltdown might have done in the M. As Mules would say "Strength and Honor". I had neither.
He's looking at her behavior now and predicting the cycle coming back around. W was dark for a week, now is angry and punishing .. next should be
His synopsis -W has extreme anxiety (agrees with Techguy). -I'm unstable or inconsistent at best. (what does that nerdy b*astard know Just kidding) - He sees me on a cycle as well. Thinks Gucci has a point about stopping cycling by asking myself "who needs this" and in Tech's comment "The person that cares the least about the M is always in control". - "Hard words" repel W. - If I don't stabilize myself, I'm screwed. I will get nothing stable from W. We were jumping right back in two days into reconciliation attempts. Asked why I let her stay over, knowing she had an affair, and broke up with the guy two days after asking to reconcile. My answer, "'cause I'm a dumb ass". -Feels I DID have expectations when W wanted to reconcile. Was looking at my word usage and punctuation. (WTF man, punctuation?) - Says that I gave W back control immediately once she wanted to reconcile. Points to "the date" that never happened. I let her pick what the date would be. The date amounted to hanging out at the house all day. We should have went "on a date" and I drop her off at MILs. Used the term, "play hard to get" but we know it's taking your life back. Said I ignored the advise of Puppy and Phoenix for this date. I never rationalized Phoenix's question about "can she do what it takes to work?". In retrospect, she can't right now. Again too fast. - I didn't read the signs warnings from board members which were very accurate. - Said I needed more time to decide on my plan before committing to date w/ wife. Said I new all the intel but didn't make a decision based on fact. Or, at least, my plan wasn't consistent with the facts. - Thinks that W's emotional issues suggest going against everything Dbing stands for.. Said my "joke" about pursing, immature love, ILY's was all consistent with my W's needs. I got a big laugh out of that but he points to the facts that she needs "something" to love. Said she needs a stable force in her life to get rid of the current feelings. -Said "baby steps" were mentioned numerous times but the facts indicate that no baby steps were taken. Damn, he nailed that. -He said we talk a about our feelings but nothing is never done. Points to our "needs" talk. Nothing ever materialized.
I'm going to read my threads and get some more perspective of what "actullay" happened and how I got caught up in the title wave.
Just and interesting convesation. Feel free to comment…. I think this does reinforce the "reread your threads" part of Dbing.
He's not "good with the ladies" shall we say but he gets cause and effect. 