Emailed W. today re: returning some items she lent me. I fixed them up to work better. I told her I can drop them off at our workplace for her to pick up or she can come by sometime. We don't cross paths...it's too painful for me to see her. She emailed back to ask a couple of things about me and then said she has a few things she is doing tomorrow so it probably wouldn't work out.
Of course, all I can think about is how she has all kinds of social things set up for her weekend (or maybe she is seeing someone) etc etc and how bland and empty my life seems. It is such a catch 22, because although I miss her very much, I know she's not coming back. And of course, then there is the question of whether I would want to have that person back in my life, knowing that they could suddenly just leave me again, in an instant.
So, part of me very much wants to stay connected, but the other part of me just can't bear it...what will I do--hear about her new and improved life without me in it? I haven't heard or seen anything from her since she left that even hinted she was having second thoughts. In fact, she was pretty clear that she wanted to have "other dating & relationship experiences with men"--that was another part of why she stated she wanted to leave me. I have been dark and quite closed with her for a few months for this reason...it just hurts too much. Yet I think all she wants is to just relate as friends and pretend none of this calamity ever happened--or more specifically as though she didn't directly hurt me so much. And that feels so wrong, so emotionally wrong. Or maybe she feels bad about it but it doesn't change anything, I(still)DLYA, so that's always the bottom line.
I'm trying not to focus on contrasting her life (great, amazing, exciting, full of sex, focused, successful) with mine (er...well opposites to those things), but that is a rather familiar pattern and problem I have. I really feel low and pathetic tonight. It's been a year since she moved out and I still have such a heavy heart. I feel so empty still, even though I am not crying every day anymore. @*&$%^!#!!!! The hurt still runs so deep! : ( I feel so pathetic.
At times I feel some attraction to other women but it is usually purely in a sexual way, and ultimately I am still so messed up because I still love my w. (ex w, whatever the term now) and don't want to be with someone else. I feel confused, frustrated, lost, empty and super sad! : <
