Another Wife Hit by the Bomb Thread #5

[sandi2]

Yes, I think our girl here is sounding much stronger! I saw that flirty little michief come out in you! That is what your H needs to see also......and spike it up with a touch more spunk! I think men like that and it gives you a leverage to also stand up to him by being a bit sexy/sassy/spunky all rolled into one. Now, I think that is the natural side of you that I saw in your fun you were having with......oh, you know.....our friend (lol) loss of memory here and so that told me a lot about you b/c the more he kidded with you, the more you went back and forth with him. We all knew it was just fun on both sides. So, with your H.....when you are able, of course, try to be that fun spirited/spunky person and if he says something ugly.....get in his face about it and you might even try to start out in a teasing/sexy/joking way and say, "What are you going to do about it, big boy?" Or whatever would me closer to your personality with him. If he doesn't respond nicely, then get serious. Turn around and leave him standing there. You may even say, "Fine, I will go be with someone that will appreciate my good humor and we'll have fun". (If you dare, it cold make him hit you, for all I know. I certainly wouldn't want that and only you know what you could get away with....but you don't have to just take his "mood"....you can turn around a just leave without a word.) When things have been strained for a long time and tension is thick in the air.....it is very hard to act like a lot of "fun". But, it is acting "as if" you are having fun. If you are trying to outshine the OW (and please forgive me if I have gotten mixed up with my stitches or forgotten something else), then you want to be the one he has fun with. You want to be a person he wants to come home to relax, have fun, and make love to. Instead, he apparently has decided to take his anger or bad moods out on you and turn to OW for the nice things. That isn't going to do! But, we have to walk that yellow brick road to find the wizard to get that respect. Although, now that I recall that story......the good witch told Dorothy it wasn't the wizard that could give her what she wanted. But that Dorothy had had that power within herself to go find her way back home--all that time. She just had to believe. Remember? So, click those heels baby and start believing in yourself b/c you have what it takes to not only draw your man back to you, but to cause him to see you with new eyes and respect his gal. He will have to learn to take his stress out somewhere else.

Have you ever thought of buying him one of those heavy punching bags that boxer's use? They have to use boxing gloves or they hurt their hands. But, it helps to get that anger out of their system. Or, if he would go to the gym after work before going home, that would be a great stress reliever. I know you would have to be cleaver in how to approach that subject (regarding the gym)b/c he could take it about any negative way he wanted to. But, you may want to consider getting him one of those bags for Christmas and hang it up outside, in the garage, basement....wherever. Wonder what he would think if he opened that for his present? It would be something different!

When you were describing him, it did make me think of some personality types I have known like him and unfortunately, a lot of them have wives who cow down to their bullying ways. I hate it. I still think they do it b/c the wife is the only one they know can't defend themselves. HEY!! I just had a brilliant idea! Why not get yourself that boxing bag instead of him?? Or, better yet, take some self-defense classes. I hear they do wonders for women's self-esteem!! I am serious! If I were younger and in better health, I would do it in a second. I think it does wonders for women b/c they feel so good physically, but they are so more confident about themselves and they are not afraid of anyone b/c they know how to take care of themselves if attacked. Now, I am not saying he attacks you, but I just think it would be a great method of improving your confidence. You know you need to do things to get a life instead of sitting at home wondering what he may be doing......so why not? PLEASE? I hope you will seriously consider it. Give it to yourself for a present. Oh, and if you should decide to start adding kick boxing to it.....then hang the boxing bag up where you can show out in front of H after you get good at it. Just to let him see what a fiesty girl he has there. Now, I don't know about you, but I just love my idea Did you ever see that movie with Jennifer Lopez where she took those self defense classes? Showed him, didn't she? Oh, my! I just over-whelm myself somtime.

Guess I better close with that statement. We have to act crazy once in a while, don't we? But, now I am serious about those classes. Hopefully, you would never have to use any of those techniques, but the point it that you would not be afraid to walk across a parking lot alone or stand up to a 6'5", 300 lb man and tell him to shove it! That is the kind of self confidence you need to get your esteem soaring again.

Okay, talk to you latter. Tell me when you sign up for your classes....

Sandi

[Tomato]

Hi T from T

Be excellent. And show the Lord your love for Him. Husband #1!

[Tawnya]

{{Sandi}} FUnny the stuff you mention..the bag and the defense classes..actually have thought about getting both of those (well getting one, doing the other)..my son and I were looking at those big boxing bags (I KNOW, men out there, that they are called something else..LOL..but I don't know what it is at the moment..be glad I didn't call it a thingamajing cause my son really wants a weight set up/home gym thing..I may work on it after Christmas..cause he got a drum set for Christmas..LOL! The self defense classes, actually funny you mention that, the place I went to the tai chi class this past week they also do a self defense class that I want my daughter and I to go to that starts in January..I am looking forward to that as well

Sandi..glad you liked me getting my "flirt on" with carpenter there..HE is a big flirt LOL! (just kidding my bombiversary friend!)..LOL..thank you..I like that you called me a flirt..that's funny Love to you Sandi and thank you, as always, for checking on me!! Hope you are doing well.

{{{Tomato}}} Interestingly enough, your "prayer and words" for me about being excellent could NOT have come at a better time, see my long novella below and THANK YOU..hope your night was blessed my friend!

{{{Beth}}} thank you for saying I inspire you in any way, shape, or form makes me smile Love to you my friend!

OK..long post coming up below..so that's why I wanted to give you your own space, in case you don't feel like reading a novella

Tawnya

[carpenter54]

Eats popcorn......waiting for novella

[Tawnya]

OK..so today started out well, Amy would be proud, I had called up a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in forever, who is in a similar sitch actually, she and hub split in March of this past year..anyway..we met and went to the Olive Garden for lunch and ended up talking for 3 hours..she didn't really know what I had going on until today..and we both decided we would be another support system for each other..she is a WONDERFUL person and I am glad we have each other cause we really understand what the other is going thru..

ANYWAY..so I call hub after I talk to this lady to ask him a question about something I wondered if he was involved in, very non-threatening, just in an "I wanted to know" kinda way, he was nice and answered and we had a talk and basically it was a "I wouldn't lie you to about yada yada" and it was cool. OK..so I had gotten home by that time while I was on the phone, checked our mail, and just hung up when..badadada: There is a bank statement from a bank we don't bank at with my husband's name AND THE OTHER WOMAN'S NAME on it..OKKKKKKKKKKKKKK..so first of all, I was RIGHT the whole time who the other woman was, even tho hub told me it wasn't her: (love how God has a way of making things come to light..don't you? Turns out hub had set it up to get all his statements online..and it was never suppose to come to the house..I had to chuckle about that)

ANYWAY..so I immediately call husband back and I'm actually pretty calm and say, "you know how you JUST said you wouldn't lie to me about stuff" and he says yes..I said..you know how you told me the OW was not "this chick" and he said, "yes" and I said, so how come we just got a bank statement with your and HER name on it? So, of course, he says yes and that she was setting aside money to "protect it from the others" (i.e. her husband) and so anyway..then for a brief sec he turns it around to "why am I opening the mail" (gotta love deflection)..and I"m like, yeah I opened it, my address, but I didn't need to open it to see both names because they are on the front address.

So, along those lines, after I realize this joint checking crap has occurred, I ask hub if he is actually going on this trip to his family's home that he is taking next weekend by himself or not? (I should know immediately the answer by his reaction)..he says "why does it matter? blah blah" finally, he tells me that (surprise) "girl who is just a friend, doesn't mean anything that I just opened a joint checking account with is going with me to my family's area.." tho supposedly NOT going to meet his family, just was "convenient" because her family is nearby and her mother was coming back to visit or live or whatever..whatever CRAP.....

So, we talk and then he's like "I'm gonna come home and we are gonna talk about everything, I'm coming in with both barrels, the kids will know everything, all of it tonight"..

So..I have to say..the checking thing bothered me less than the "my husband is disrespecting me by taking this chick to (near) whatever his family" and wasn't going to tell me..and so I come in, knowing that hub said he was gonna tell the kids everything, talk to daughter, tell her dad is ticked and may be having "the convo" (tho she knows everything), show her the bank statement thing with her name on it..and she's like not really freaked out(cause she knew there was an OW)..

Sad side note, I ask her is she ok and she says yes, and I say "why is this ok"..she said "mom it's not okay for you, but this is what "they" (guys) do..and I just started to cry..and said NO..this is NOT what they all do..(and I told my hub that..I said you need to know that this is what daughter THINKS now..live with that!)

Anyway..so I call son out and say, dad may be having the convo with you tonight and there is another part he may tell you that you don't know (cause I didn't tell him about the OW)..son says ok, I tell him and daughter both that I am sorry that they have to go thru this (yes Sandi..I know LOL)..they both tell me that it's not my fault..and I say I know..

Anyway gonna split this post into 2 parts so I don't totally freak anyone out LOL

Tawnya

[Tawnya]

Aww {{{Carp}}} Thank you..hope you have a full bag with lots of butter

Tawnya

[Tawnya]

OK..so I call my mom and I'm just crying..I said "mom I am NOT okay"..and I tell her what's gone down..she's very sweet, asks me if I want to come over, I said I just want to get this convo with hub over with..he may be leaving tonight, I dunno..we talk about how stupid it was for hub to open the check acct with our address on it..LOL..she tells me to hold onto it and not give it to hub (which I know will freak him out)..she said it's good evidence in case I ever need it..which I decided I would do and hid it

So, hub comes home, first thing he asks for is the bank statement, tell him I'm not giving it to him..whoo..he tripped. He said he'd tear the house apart, I said, whatever, I am gonna make a copy first..it came to my house, you put some other chick's name on MY address, no way are you getting that back right now. Anyway..at some point this stops being the issue and we talk..

I wish wish WISH I had a tape recorder to have recorded this discussion that went on for around 2 hours..he talks about why he's unhappy and wanting to leave, really random reasons, but I told him I understood: 1) I didn't keep up with the house enough 2) I bleed thru money 3) He couldn't be himself around me. Anyway..I validated..told him I had work to do on myself just like he does on him..on it went..

So, then it turns to money, doesn't it always? At first he's flipping that I say that he told me that I could have enough to pay the mortgage even after we divorced and so that went round, turned out, in the end, we sat down and "talked" about what he would put in a separation agreement, not a bad deal for me really, I could stay in the house with the kids, he would basically pay for the mortgage until our son, 12, turned 18, at which point we would see what we wanted to do with the house from there, other stuff, but that's the biggie..

OK..the thing I'm PROUD of saying, really don't know why I said it or where this "confidence-ishness" came from, but I think Sandi would be proud most of all, this is close to what I said, before I have told hub that I am worth fighting for, etc, but tonight I said, "you know what, I AM worth it. Not that you haven't made me feel worth it for the past 20 years, but RIGHT NOW, the person I am now, I think I'm the prettiest I've been in a while, I've lost weight, my hair is longer and I like it and the color it is, I'm the nicest, calmest, best ME I've ever been and I think you'd be stupid to let me go and not want to be married to me!" (how do you like that? LOL)

So anyway, as we are sitting down talking about the separation and stuff he says, more than ONE time during our convo, which really threw me for a loop, he said "IF it gets to the point of the final divorce stuff" and I said one time, "IF it does?" and he said, "yes, I could wake up one day and have a revelation that I made a mistake" (hello..been saying that myself to him for the past few months) and I asked him, "if you realized that, would you tell me or would pride get in the way?" and he said that if he really realized he had screwed up big time he would tell me..I think I said something after he said he could wake up one day I said, "hmm..if you did, there would have to be a LOT of discussion going on and I wouldn't be sharing, I don't think I'd just take you back no questions asked" (Actually I fibbed, I like that comment too LOL)

HE also, I don't think, has any idea where he'll even go, if he goes anywhere, in moving. I did tell him something that we actually talked about on someone's thread just today..I said, "you know, if you move/when you move, do a favor to you, her family and our family and really take some time just for YOU..you need to know where you really are, where your head really is, to be fair to all of us and yourself.

I told him that I think he should take the dog (some of you guys and I had talked about that last week..so thank you for the standing firm suggestion) because he's too big for the kids and I to really handle, he doesn't really listen to us, so he should be planning on taking him, he said ok. Then we actually started JOKING around about how he wanted to take one of the cats we have too..and I said "nope..that would be a deal breaker for sure" and even just a few minutes ago, when I thanked him for us having a decent discussion and listening without a bunch of crap, he said "Mac and Jack" (Mac is the cat and Jack is the dog) he said, they should both go with me, it rhymes and I said smack rhymed too..could I give him that?

I told hub I really think that he should take chick off a joint account, that she should get her own account if she needed another one, I told him that was stupid because what if she decided tomorrow she wanted to rip him off and take the money..then what? I said it was also stupid that this chick's name is now hooked to OUR address and what that could mean, I have no idea, but I didn't like it. He agreed that it was stupid and said he would take her off..but who knows if that will really happen?

I still told him I really thought it was disrespectful for him to take OW on this trip, but I know he will do it anyway, told him that I would be out of town next weekend too and for him to make sure to call the kids to check in on them while he's gone next weekend.

I did tell my hub, not that I expected a response (I told him), but I just rambled for a minute about how it stunk to be the LBS because you are the one still here with all of the responsibilities that normally were on 2 people's shoulders.

So..he talked to son after all that..he told son that this chick was just a friend..I kinda clarified with son that, while this may be true, that married people should be friends like that with their SPOUSE first, not another person like that.

Anyway..so..if you are STILL here after all of this, thanks for reading and listening and for being there!

Tawnya

[carpenter54]

Aww {{{Carp}}} Thank you..hope you have a full bag with lots of butter

Tawnya

I ate a bunch reading that first part.....

[Tawnya]

So the rest of the bag should be gone then!

Tawnya

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

{{{{{Tawnya}}}}}

Oh, hon, I KNOW the pain you are in. It sucks when you FINALLY get the confirmation of something you have known all along in your heart.

When is he moving out?

How are you doing? Call me if you need me.

I see some major retail therapy coming up ext weekend--we can bleed through some more of his money

I think you handled the conversation really well, all things considered.

SMW