Nothing I am doing is working. Of course, it is making me stronger and that is great, it really is, I just really wanted these techniques to work on H and they are not.
Hi Beth,
I guess you could say that things aren't working based on interaction frequency with your husband. But they aren't getting worse either.
If you weren't DBing, who knows how much worse things would have gotten by now?
And I'm just not sure that measuring progress based on interaction frequency or trying to analyse the tone of a few words in email is a good measure. The only 'true' measure is to know what is going on inside husband's head. That's something you just don't see.
Keep your chin up!
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
So glad you are back! No kidding about tailspin. I am much better now.
Very astute of you with the pent up frustrations. I think you nailed it. And thank you for helping me see the positives. (Others tried and I thank you all, too.)Now that feel-sorry-for- myself-day has ended, I can see them much more clearly.
Clearly, missing a week's worth of runs does not help me, either. Between the rain and work, I have not run in two weeks. I will NOT let that happen again.
Talking to my DB coach helped quite a bit. She told me that it is okay from me to contact H, given our circumstances (his likely depression/MLC). I told her I had been hesitant to do so because I did not want to pursue him. She said to recognize the difference between calling/emailing to tell him I love him, need him, miss him, etc. and emailing about gardening, or having a coffee. She said it's not a good idea for me to just drop out of his life.
I have decided it is like there is a thread between us and I have to learn to keep the tension just right. If I pull too much, he'll pull in the opposite direction and it will break. If I do not pull at all, he'll just float out there. So, I just will work on experimenting to find the right amount of pull.
This made me feel better because I feel like I can "do" something - take a step, now and then. So for now, he said he'll contact me, so I'll give him that chance. Frees me up to think about me.
In the meantime, have a busy day planned tommorrow (time to get a bit more blond, have a serious run - and no pussyfooting around, I will run at least a 5K (sad, sorry short little run, but I have to work my way back to 10K's) and take mom out to dinner. Sunday, another run and then a riding lesson.
{{{{Beth}}} You better NOT move back to Chicago without us at least meeting in person ONCE before..I can't have you be this close and not meet!!!!!
I'm glad you are feeling better my friend and hope you will enjoy your weekend with your mom
I have a HUGE post (had a major whirlwind of a night) to post on my thread at some point..I need to do it..but feel like I have about the energy of a rag right now LOL!
Hugs and love!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
I've been discovering some of the same sentiments that you discussed. I've been initiating more contact with wife, but always in a confident, fun way. She's depressed\MLC too. And it's been working (I think).
It's like sgctox posted on some other thread here... You can't just be dark all the time. You need some kind of interaction to build an R at some point. It's just more a question of trying to determine when spouse is 'ready'. And then keep it to slow, small advances.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Tawnya - You were not kidding with the big event you had today. Feeling pretty embarassed about my meltdown. I posted to you on your thread. I am so impressed with you!
Techguy - I like that last post of mine much better, too. I like feeling this way much more. Got to keep working at keeping this attitude going.
As for not being dark all the time, my coach said the same thing. She said when dealing with the depressed/MLC spouse, you have to realize there is a serious loss of energy for them. They cannot make themselves do things, like initiate contact, as often as we LBS's might like and that we should not assume that no contact from them means they do not want any from us. So long as they respond to us, it is okay to keep going.
She also said it is important for us to understand the mindset of the MLC/WAS. For WAW it is an escape from control - they do not want to be controlled and for the WAH it is an escape from feelings of inadequacy.
JWM - thanks again for trying to reach me earlier today. You tried to show me the positives, I just could not get out of my own way to see what was right there.
{{{Beth}}} I'm so glad you are doing much better and I have to concur with what your coach said..I could see how that would ring true as a woman and what a guy would feel..smart advice
Hugs to you!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
I'm just popping in again to say hello. I've been reading through your recent posts, and I feel for you, because I have been in that same mental state myself. I've been better recently, but I continue to have a lot of contact with my H, so I'm sure that's the difference.
I am so happy for you that you are going to have your mom with you through the holidays. I, like you, am more of a "loner" than a "joiner", so I can understand how isolated you must feel right now. I think having your mom there as some built-in company can really only help you, especially if you have a good relationship. My R with my mother has always been strained, but right now we're not talking at all. Long story short (I'll try, at least!), she's never really liked me much as a person, and she has never respected me unless I'm doing what SHE wants me to do. And right now she wants me to divorce my H just as soon as I possibly can. She refuses to respect my decision, and demonstrated that by yelling at me and hanging up on me during our last phone conversation.
All of this to say, if your mom cares about you and is supportive of you, appreciate it! Enjoy her company, it may be just what you need to keep up a PMA. I know it is so hard right now, but hang in there.
Also, I think the DB counselor might be right. It may be time to start trying to initiate a little contact with your H. Try it a few times, see what happens, right?
I hope you are having a good weekend! I'll keep checking in when I can!
LHS
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
Hi Beth: I just read through your thread and felt like I had a chance to ride with you on a roller coaster for a while...ironically...one of your very first posts seems to have set the tone for the ride of this particular thread - the question of what determines your mood...
Here's something you wrote that really jumped out at me:
"Nothing I am doing is working. Of course, it is making me stronger and that is great, it really is, I just really wanted these techniques to work on H and they are not. I do not know how to let him go, but I am going to have to figure it out because I do not think he is ever coming back. Hell, I don't think he is even looking back. To him, it seems, I am not much more than someone he sends money once a month. "
When I read these words I thought, ah, she's built this roller coaster based on someone's plans other than her own - no wonder it's so frightening and intense at times...Which is to say, you have a strong, analytical mind - clearly, with your profession, you are used to collecting masses of information and teasing the narrative out of it for a cohesive argument. It's logic at it's finest - and you prove your powers of logic again and again in your posts - but your posts also suggest that your trying to use logic and plans and methods to rescue someone that is outside of your grasp.
It broke my heart, seriously, I felt a pain in my chest, when I read that you have been trying so hard to make these techniques work - and that you've been taking stock of your changes based on him...while I know the DB books and the coaches say we should monitor the baby steps and the ways in which our partners respond differently to our changes - I find that doing so just sets us up to slip all too easily into the realm of expectations - and in expectations we, as the LBS (and even as people people in healthy relationships), stumble.
Expectations set up false hopes, false ideals, false desires and false beliefs about how we are to interact with others - and expectations make us rely on others for things that we must take care of for ourselves - which brings us back to moods...I find that if I sit up tall, smile, believe in myself and step out the door - that I will be in a better mood - but when I accept the sadness in me - and let that sadness define me - then I will step out with sadness...but it does take action to improve ourselves - and it does take action to keep us from slipping into expectations - where our moods and our sense of self is determined - not by how we stand and run and smile and sing - but rather by how someone else responds to us...and that is a doomed pilgrimage.
I've read a lot of your posts throughout this site, Bettou - and I can tell you without any hesitation that you are brilliant, compassionate, driven, humble, and genuine - in other words - you are an amazing person - and when you wait to have your value defined or determined by someone that lives in his own confusion, you will continue to stumble. Stop that. Consider how much you have accomplished - and how much you bring into the lives of others (even strangers on this site) and value yourself enough to know that detaching from you H is an act of love for both you and your H. Detachment gives you the gift of taking care of you - and detaching gives him the gift of having to deal with his own issues so he can grow...and if he doesn't...you will still be in a healthy, strong, empowered place.
Sorry for the long post...perhaps it was as much for myself as for you - since I think we are going through many of the same things - and the same kind of pain - and I also know that my hesitation to detach from my wife and love her from a distance kept me from confronting the harsh reality of myself - and the many, many aspects of my "self" that needed serious attention.
