Hi Kalni, Taking it slow seems to be the best approach...I've been slowing down my racing mind - and slowing down my accelerated emotions - and I've also been trying to slow the negative thoughts that sometimes come into my mind about my wife.
Today I felt more distant from her - but not just in terms of her moving out - but in terms of the years we've spent together - and I've asked myself, over and over, why do I want to be with someone that does not seem to love me - and that I used to doubt loved me even before she dropped the bomb. Part of my knows that she loved me before - as best she knew how - but I have these moments of clear recollection when I remember thinking that she didn't genuinely care about me - and that I did not feel love from her very often - especially after our baby was born...(which I hate having to say...since I don't blame my baby boy at all...but it does make me wonder about what she really wanted from me).
Her affair, her need for male attention, her unwillingness to work on our M, her decision to move out, and now her darkness toward me...the truth is...it's a lot of negatives to have to live with...and I think I deserver better than that...
I've had thoughts go through my mind today of just calling her up and asking for the divorce - but I won't do that yet - as it may just be an emotional counter-response to the feelings that dragged me down yesterday..still...there is a part of me that thinks ahead to January and just wants to say that's enough...I don't want this anymore...I am a good person and a good father...and perhaps I've just loved someone that is just too harmful for me and my S11...I wouldn't say that she's harmful to our S2 - because she's loving toward him and very warm and playful...in fact, she's the person I fell in love with...but with me and my S11, she's just angry and resentful...and I just don't want that anymore...maybe the overwhelming sadness that swept through me was part of another layer of the mourning process...it really feels that way today...
