I started reading these forums a week or so ago. This seems like a very positive place to come to in my situation. This is by far the darkest time in my life and the hardest thing I have ever been through. If you are reading this please be patient with me. I have a lot to sort through and I may seem a bit confused at times.
Here is my situation.... My beautiful wife and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. She is truly my everything and I would do anything for her. I may not have always showed it but I have always loved her more than anything in this world. I am not perfect. I have been difficult at times and have worked very hard to build a career for myself at a young age. This sometimes meant very long hours, interuptions in personal time and at times not a lot of time for my wife. She was very understanding at first that I was trying to build a life for us. I have also had jealousy issues and sometimes trust issues. I think I did trust her but I think I may have always been afraid of getting hurt for some reason. This was my fault and my own insecurity and she shouldn't have had to deal with it. I now accept that and have told her so. Most of the time when she thought I was jealous I was really just protective of my wife and concerned about her best interest. We got married at a very young age (22yrs) but it was so perfect that we did not question it. Both of us never expected to marry as early in life as we did, in fact she said that she never really planned on getting married and thought she would be the old lady at the end of the street with a bunch of cats (she didn't think that she would beleive in love), but when we found each other we knew that it was a blessing and we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.
The past year has been pretty challenging. Communication has been a problem and eventually our intimacy went to the way side. It is hard to make love to someone if you are angry, I didn't want it to be like that. We eventually started to lead different lives and seemed like strangers in the same house. She would say that we were "roomates" not a married couple and she hated it. She started to act out a little bit and kept comparing me to her father. This was not a good thing because they do not have a very good relationship. She thought that I was controling and that her father was controling and she didn't want to end up like her mom with no friends. Her parents have their own issues but it works for them. They have been married for 30 years and have opened up to me about their challenges but say that they have no plans of changing their lives or divorcing. They made a commitment. I don't think I am too controling but I can see where I might cross the line from time to time. I just want to know where my wife is, what she is doing, and who she is doing it with. I give her the same respect and I think that it is my right to know as her husband. She has also given up on doing anything around the house. I do most of the house work, yard work, car maintenance, etc. When I approach her about helping out she gets defensive. I explain to her that I don't want her to be my mother but I just want some help. If we work as a team it would make things easier. Our situation seems like the classic WAW Syndrone. She did express some concern early on and I did try but did not give it the 110% it deserved. I tried because I love my wife very much but I guess I was comfortable. Then when she dropped the bomb it hit all at once. I have changed my self in many positive ways, I still have some improving to do, but she has such a fortress around her that she does not see it. She wants out.
The past three months have been extremely difficult. She has grown resentful towards me. At the end of October I took a pack of cigarettes out of her purse to through them away to create a challenge to her smoking. She got extremely upset and left me for the weekend to go party it up down south with a friend. I was so upset/depressed. She said that I violated her privacy and I explained to her that I understood where she was coming from but I only did it because I cared about her. She has had her share of health problems and she was only smoking because she was stressed out. A year ago it wouldn't have been an issue if I went in her purse for anything. She came home on a Sunday night. That Wednesday night went out till 4:30am and was not concerned with letting me know where she was. No apologies. She told me that she was "not in love with me anymore". Since then I noticed phone calls in private that seemed suspicous. I questioned her and she told me that she was talking to a friend that I knew. She lied right to my face. I research it because I knew something just wasn't right and I found out it was some guy. She would talk to this guy for sometimes more that 5 hours a day!!!! She eventually told me that that she wanted a divorce and that I shouldn't fight for her anymore. He was the last phone call she made before telling me and the next three phone calls she made that night when she left the house. Are you gonna tell me there isn't something going on there!?!?!?! When I found out about this I was enraged. I felt like I needed to go on a man hunt. I was is a very bad place. Fortunately I have friends and family and a therapist that care about me enough to keep my head on stright. I eventually wrote her a long heart felt letter explaing to her how much she meant to me and thanked her for including me in her life. I also told her that I knew about this guy and how that made me feel. She grew extremely p!$$ed and told me that I needed to tell her what I knew. I told her that she needed to tell me what was going on so she wouldn't tailor her story to what I knew. She still insists that the man was just a friend. To me she at least had an emotional affair with this guy. Since I told her what I knew she has gone rapidly down hill. She had more frequent trips down south to party and talk to guys. She changed her myspace to divorced and blocked me. (I wouldn't think that this is a big deal but I know how seriously she takes that sort of thing). She had pics of a guy on their saying that he was a future fireman and that "he could rescue me anyday". I told her how much that hurt me and she said that I shouldn't have looked into it and it wasn't meant to hurt me. She goes out on almost a daily basis till very late at night and sometimes doesn't even come home. I have found a note and other suspicous items that I won't go into at this time. She stays over a guys house (different guy) every once in a while and I suspect there is something going on. This hurts me so bad but I am trying to control myself. She says that "You don't fit into my life anymore" and "our marriage must have been a mistake because it has failed", "we are not together anymore, you need to move on".
After all of this I still am trying to make this work. I feel like such a fool at times. I have accepted things that I never thought I could and am willing to forgive and move on. I begged, pleaded, wrote deep heart felt letters, tried talking to her, left notes, tried to get her to watch wedding videos. ALL THE WRONG THINGS!!!!! I know that now after viewing this site and a few other and reading DR. I wish I would have known all of this earlier. Now I am working my butt off to try to fix this. I am moving out of my house this weekend, she needs her space. She is dead set on making this divorce happen. She is numb. When I would try to talk to her she would look bored/annoyed and even start to fall asleep at times. She was absolutely not concerned with my feelings. This has gone so wrong so fast!!! What can I do? Our world is falliing apart.
Sorry for such a long first one.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
