Jayce's thread

[Bagheera]

Greetings Jayce,

I too am sorry to hear about the health news, and hope that it turns out to be something minor. You wrote:

I may be the worst mother hen, control freak you've seen, but my concerns have not been without cause.....

Most of what we talk about around here involves either:

* trying to recognize and change OUR OWN behavior in such a way as to be happier overall and to get our own needs/wants met by our spouse, or,

* trying to find a way to encourage our spouse to make changes that will lead to them getting THEIR needs/wants met and a happier, closer relationship overall.

And nearly all of us here have made the mistake (over and over again) in that harping, nagging, and yelling at our spouse NEVER results in a positive change in their behavior. They defend, resist, withdraw, and view us as an opponent and a threat. They NEVER see the logic in what we're saying, only that they are 'under attack' and can't / won't give in to us.

So while I agree whole-heartedly with you that your husband is not taking proper care of himself, and that he should have quit smoking long ago, giving him the "I told you so" lecture and going 'on the nag' about it will only result in his continued resistance and hiding the cigars in the garage.

As with Cinco's wife or Diane's husband: ultimately, the decision is their's to make.

The best thing that you can do is to create the environment, the setting, the couple's dynamic that will yield the BEST chances of their choosing to make positive changes. It can be done: I'm one of the few who've experienced very positive changes in my marriage and relationship as a result of working hard to make the necessary 180's in MY OWN behavior and set up the circumstances whereby my wife was willing to come on board and work with me. We both still screw up and backslide frequently enough, but it's getting easier -- the changes are slowly becoming a part of our "normal" behavior, rather than feeling contrived or forced for either of us.

The hard part is taking those first steps: for both of you.

Best of luck,

Bagheera