This is the weekend I am going to the Holiday party with my friend. I am pretty excited about it.
As far as PMA..not so sure how that is holding up. I am looking forward to doing things for myself, but I can not get rid of this anger that is building inside me. For some reason over this past week it has gotten worst. I think this is why....I feel as if the entire year I spent trying to make things work. I spent my time and energy trying to find ways to fix things and look for the positives in our relationship. I know I haven't always been the best at keeping the changes going and more that a few times I have backslid into old habbits. However, I feel like my H spent the time looking for ways just to justify why he should leave.
When he says he tried, I feel like he did try...what he tried to do was find every opportunity over the year to validate and justify is reasoning for wanting to leave. Everytime we got to close he would pull away again. When it looked like we were on track then he would back off. Looking back I don't think he ever wanted it to work. I think he was really scared. He needed it not to work, because that would make him right. He had to be right. He always has to be right. So if he could take every argument, every failed attempt, every backslide, every little tid bit he did it and he would say...see this is why..and now he says he spent the year trying to validate he reason for saying he wanted a divorce back in Feb.
That really angers me. That makes me feel like all the work I was doing he was purposely trying to sabatage it because he only was looking for reasons to justify why we shouldn't be together not why we should.
So lately I have more anger toward him then I ever have. I feel like he was a coward and a liar and although we both contributed to the breakdown of our M in the end he failed us.
Granted I realize I didn't do the best as far as DB went. And so I guess I did give him some reasons to feel that things wouldn't change, but I gave him many to believe they did and would. And he looked past all of those.
I don't want to hate him, I dont want to be angry. It makes me feel like an ugly person, but I don't know how to let it go. I want to explode just thinking about it. I want to email him and tell him all the things I am feeling. I want him to know how much he has hurt me and how much I think he is a quitter and a coward.
How do I just let that go and work on myself and forget about him???
