I feel so insecure and afraid of my H giving up on our M again.
He acts loving to me and treats me well when we are together.
However, I feel him distancing in a major way.
This last week was really bad in terms of the amount of quality time we spent together. He was at the bar all but one night.
Since last friday, I have hardly seen him.
We went to a play at 8 on friday, but before that for 4 hrs he was at the bar drinking.
On sat. as soon as I got up out of bed he took off in my car since he left his truck home the night before. He said he had about 2hrs of work. He then called me 3 hrs later and said that he was gonna help his buddy move. Then at 4 he text me to let me know him and his buddy were gonna be at the bar and that he could pick me up if I wanted to join them. I said no cuz I was tired. He said he would be home after just a few drinks. Finally at 8 I text him to let him know I needed my car. So he came home and we watched a movie and fell asleep half way through. Not a great day.
Then on sunday, he actually spent the morning with me here and we had to bowl a double header from 3:30-8:30. After our bowling was done he had a band practice. He said he would be over afterwards. I went home and fell asleep on the couch waiting for him. He woke me up at 1 to tell me I needed to go up to bed so I could get up for work. I couldnt believe it was 1 when he showed up. I never asked him what was up because I was so tired and a bit mad.
Then on monday, he plays with his band in a gig at the bar. So he text me to let me know they were gonna play later than usual. I showed up at 10:40ish and they still wernt playing. So we got to talk for about 10 min. before they started and I let him know I was gonna leave before they finished since it was so late. He thanked me for coming and gave me a kiss good bye.
Today, I got home from work and at 5 my H text me and said He was busy with his kiawanas meeting and getting ready to hold the turkey day race and that he would probably not see me tonight. I never text back.
I am afraid, that he is lying about tonight and that he just doesnt want to see me.
I am so afraid, because every winter he gets depressed and he hates the holidays so much these past few yrs. Every time he has left our M, he starts by distancing himself for a few weeks and it often happens when the winter comes.
I dont know what to do or say. But I am scared. TIPPER
(((Tipper))) You have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions for months now. He has a sickness. He's an alcoholic. I think it would really help YOU to go to a counselor who works with families of people with addictions. You need to see that nothing you do is going to change him or cure his alcoholism. You are such a good person, it shows in your posts! Don't let him bring you down!
It urks me that I am the one that has to seek out counseling becuase of his addictions. I guess that is one of the reasons that I havent done so yet.
It makes me feel like I am the one that has issues. But I know I live a healthy life.
A person that posts here named yellowrose has had success with her M and h returning. She posted me last night in the MLC forum and said that my H's cycling is very similar to what she remembers her H doing just before he came out of his crisis.
I sure hope and pray that that is what is happening here with my H also. He is cycling more than ever right now.
It scares me because I am afraid that I will loose it and blow up at him the next time I see him. When ever that will be.
I feel like he has no cares in the world for me. He warned me last night he would be too busy to make plans but he wasnt too busy to make plans with his cousin and go out partying all night.
Well, I will seek out counseling soon becuase now I realize that I have to. This is all driving me nuts.
Today, I still havent heard from my H and he knows that I dont have work due to a 5 day vacation. I am going to go get my oil changed at one of those instant oil change places.
The sad part is that my H has been saying for a month now that he would do it. He obviously hasent even though he is a good mechanic and even opened his own auto shop last winter in one of his buisness leaps. It lasted two weeks and shop was closed.
Wow, what am I being put through here. It is torture. TIPPER
Well, the night before thanksgiving I finally blew up. I couldnt hold back my feeling anymore. I told my H that I feel like he has recently started going to the bars too often (like every night) and that I am lonely and sad.
We kind had a not so pleasent talk. We went in circles for about an hour but overall we kept on track. He didnt say much. He let me vent. I think he was a little shocked and ratteled.
I felt like I screwed everything up. I was just waiting for him to hit the road running. But he let me spew at him. I was surprised. He knew it was coming since he knew he has been at the bars every night.
Needless to say, the next morning we ran a kids race for thanksgiving and we got our minds off it. We had a blast and my H was very greatful for my help with holding the race. There were about 50 kids and that just makes you smile.
Afterwards we had a great dinner at his rents as expected. And he actually even came over to my rents afterwards for a 2nd dinner. It was a nice surprise. My family was happy - it has been over a year since he has been there.
We stayed in watched movies that night. The next day we went to his great uncles wake and went to a nice restaurant to eat lunch. I went with him to keep him company while he stained a hardwood floor job he was finishing up. We then went to Rock and bowl that night and had a great time together.
Then sat. we went bowling and then over to a 3rd thanksgiving dinner we always have by tradition with all our old friends. It was great. My H even put his name in on the secret santa for the christmas party coming up. I was kind of shocked. He doesnt like to hang with that group (still my group) of friends that often anymore. Every now and then he shocks me I guess.
Then on sunday morning I made him pancakes as usual. Then my brother came over to take me shopping for gifts and my H left and took the dog for a walk. I thought that was nice.
That was the first we left each others side since the arguement and I think he actually was hearing what I told him that night.
Overall things went well unexpectedly and we had a beautiful 4 days together filled with fun and bonding. I think he heard me.
Tonight is our night apart. He has band practice and I have art night. I probably wont see him tommorow either since he has a kiawanas meeting. I think it is still good that we have our planned days apart. I just hope the rest of the week goes well.
Hi Tipper, It sounds like you had a great 4 days together. You did something different (you spoke your mind about how his actions were bothering you) and the result was a good one!
I know exaclty how you feel about starting counseling because of his addiction. I went through the same kinds of thoughts- because of his addiction, I had to go through x, y, and z. But that's how it is- you either choose to be with the person with the addiction and deal with it in a healthy way (i.e. by seeking counseling or support in other ways) or move on and decide that you can't deal with the addiction. Hopefully, while you're taking care of yourself, he will realize that he needs to take care of himself also.
Hey, I hope things are still moving along well for you and your H.
I am very surprised by my H's reaction this past week. He has been nothing but loving and caring. I totally expected the worst. But really only the best has come out of it all.
My H came over after his meeting on tuesday and that is rare. So it was a nice surprise. Also we spent all last night together watching college b-ball and I made a new chicken wing recipe that he loved. Our team won - Yeah!!! Overall it was a nice night.
I am really impressed that he didnt run from our problems. He keeps talking about future events and that makes me feel good.
My H has been very loving lately and been coming around much more instead of going to the bars. He still has his nights, but overall he has been much better.
I definetly ratteled him the other night when I blew up about his drinking. He said I hurt him and he cant change who he is.
Since then he has changed and been more concsious about his whereabouts and keeping me informed so I can make plans. But for the most part he has just been hanging around with me a lot more than the past few weeks.
I am going to still try and start the internet alanon meetings to get some extra support. I looked up the websites today. I have a feeling it might help a lot.
I am glad that I spoke my mind instead of holding it all in. I may have came off harsh - according to him, but now he has made efforts to cut down on the bars and let me know more often what he is up to.
I hope it continues and that he isnt holding resentment. I think he was holding resentment up until the other night when he vented back to me about the whole spat. I let him know I love him and that I was just trying to let him know how I feel when he is out drinking so much. I said I cant stand for it and M needs to be a 2 way street and not all about our own freedoms.
This past week went very nice. I saw my H everyday. He called me when I got out of work to get together or to make later dinner plans every night this week. We spent quality time together everynight other than monday due to his gig.
I am so happy that my H is making such an effort, but I sometimes worry that it (the whole concept of M) is too much on him. He talks down about M all the time to his buddies. And he often makes sly remarks about H's killing their W's, burrying them, ect...
I think he likes our R so much right now because it is nothing like a M (we live apart, he can go & do what ever he wants and he knows it, our Financials are seperate, we now have different friends, and broken family ties). So it is almost like we arent even M.
I suppose that I should be happy that he is happy with our M. But to me, it is just so different than what we used to have and so different from the norm, I sometimes feel ripped off.
I need to do my best to be patient and to be happy with what I have.
I Love the time my H and I have been spending together. It has been great and much more often this past few weeks.
We have had a lot of fun and when we are so close it makes me feel like I dont think about the past. Its like I am slowly recognizing myself healing.
I need to heal my Heart. It has been shattered and fragile for so long. I have let my H be aware of my needs and he has been here for me. I love him and I hope we continue on this path. It is so much better for both of us. TIPPER
