Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Had IC session yesterday. Spoke with C about my concerns that he doesn't seem to challenge H's thinking like he does mine when in session. He said I do that already. But I told him I don't want to be the one that always does it. I think H needs to hear things direct from C more. So, C and I discussed some topics I want to talk about when in MC and C told me that if I had something I wanted to discuss to just say "I want to discuss......" and then he (C) will try to take it from there.

C voiced concern that H will clam up and walk out and not come back, but I told him that that's OK, because then at least I know I/we did everything we could, and I can live with that and move on.

I feel that H will never "volunteer" the info inside his head. I don't think he knows how. C said that in truth, even after 8 months of IC with H, he has no idea what H really wants, because H doesn't open up with him much. C doesn't have any idea which way H is headed.

I told H after finding out about the PA, that I don't know if I can ever get over it, but what I do want is to know that we both did everything we could and did our best. I told H then, and he agreed, that I want him to look in the mirror and really see his contributions to the breakdown of our marriage, and to share with me any contributions that I made but have not seen myself yet. I believe that only with total openness, honesty and understanding, can we really learn from this and not repeat our mistakes, or ever hope to re-build our marriage or move on without hard feelings.

I also asked H what his plans are given that the lease is up on his apartment the end of this month. His landlord said he could go month-to-month, but would need to give 30 days notice to move out. H told me that he plans to give notice the end of this month and move back home the end of January, if for no other reason than to be more able to work on the house to get it ready to sale. I am nervous about that. Our 26th anniversary is February 19th, and my birtday is March 6, and the anniversary of our first meeting (28 years) is March 7. That will put a lot of pressure on H. I will need to work really hard to keep PMA and give him his space.

H has been calling me the past several days regarding planning and such. Conversations have been light and pleasant. H still very tight though. Doesn't laugh much at my jokes. But we are getting some bad weather this weekend, and H called last night to make sure S17 knows how to start the generator at the house and other stuff since H will be up at the ranch for the weekend. He told me he would call when he gets there so I won't worry, which is a little bit of a new thing for him, because he always thought I was too much of a worry wart and didn't like having to call me when he was away because he "is an adult". So, I see that as a little baby step......???