I do think that our profession has something to do with how we behave in our R, how we handle emotions and how we deal with other people. Even though I am sure which one drives which, i.e. maybe we selected our profession based on how we handle interpersonal issues.
I can tell you from own experience. I am an IT guy managing project, large projects. All I do is make sure there is plan in place for every little thing that could happen on the way to the successful end date of the project. Until I realized just days ago, there might be no end date to this project or at least no sucessful end date, I was captured in my way of analyzing and thinking about the situation and issues. I try to take it day by day now while still trying to be in control of what I am doing. When I run a project, I control what dozens of people do. It drove me crazy until I accepted that I could not control what my W does.
It is completely counterintuitive from what you have learned is the right thing to do in your job. I am sure it must be similar for you. You do not control people's actions as much, but you have a reference (the law) you can go back to all the time to figure out what people are supposed to do. It is probably very hard for you to accept that there no such rule or law in R. There may not be any rules whatsoever.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
Ahh {{{{{{{{{Beth}}}}}}}}}}} First..let me say I'm glad your mom is in town so you won't be alone..THAT is great and I know your brother is coming too..so I hope you'll get out and do something fun with them both!
Now..on to the other stuff:
FIRST of all..you are wrong and right..if it is working for YOU..then it is working my friend..not in the "magical" way we all want it to work..heck..when I was just setting up my 5th thread I was thinking "wow..I was hoping not to be here after 1 thread, much less 5"..so I KNOW how you feel about that.
Secondly..you don't know if your hub will REALLY have fun..he could have just been saying that for your benefit..and, in all honesty, he could have fun or he could be miserable, but I doubt he'd let you know that..
Third, it was interesting that he stated something about "reaching out to you next week"..I would be with you and be like WTHeck does that mean? In a way, it almost sounds like he is trying to keep you "emotionally attached" by saying that about "reaching out"..versus saying something like "seeing you next week" if you know what I mean..like you "reach out" to something or someone you want or want to help you "see" people all of the time..just my thoughts on it..so how to not get emotional about that..I dunno..maybe he's scared that he is losing you emotionally because of how great you looked and were when he saw you..again..I"m totally guessing here..
And last, but most importantly, YOU are MORE than a "creditor" and YOU know it..look at how quickly he responded to you..granted he waited to hear from you..but don't worry about that right now..YOU are a WONDERFUL, GIVING, SMART, AMAZING woman that, if your hub can't see it, he doesn't deserve you anyway!!!!
Love and hugs!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Thank you so much for your kind words and your efforts to help me feel better.
This just really hit me hard, you know? I am so bloody tired of it all, the feelings, the effort, the exhaustion, the endless crying, all of it.
My coach says we have to look at their actions and words for positive signs. I am so tired of doing this. I feel like I am just fooling myself. I really do not have any more ideas. I do not want to give up on H or our R but I really start to feel like I am just kidding myself.
As for the "reaching out" comment, if I know him at all, it is just to avoid saying "I'll email" you next week because that sounds so cold. It is cold and it is all he does, if anything, so why is he such a friggin' coward about calling it like he's doing it?
And you may be right that he may not actually have any fun and not want to admit it, but why tell me at all. It's cruel. He is cold, and selfish and I am so tired of loving him anyway. I am starting to lose respect for myself for loving someone who can treat me this way.
As for working for me. Maybe I am lying to myself about that to. How well can it be working for me if I cannot let go on move on, if I am crying daily and missing someone who clearly no longer cares about me.
Now I am the one who is pi$$ed that we cannot get divorced before next August. Not that I want that, I do not. I want what I cannot have, so I have to learn to want what I can have.
I am not doing well. I am not handling this well. I cannot keep having breakdowns at work.
I can tell you from the unfortunate experienced, that this is natural...
Originally Posted By: Bettou
I am not doing well. I am not handling this well. I cannot keep having breakdowns at work.
It doesn't mean you aren't doing well (in the broader sense, because you are), but it is part of the "script", too. You are grieving... you have every right to feel the feelings you are feeling, so feel them. Eventually, they will dissipate. Better to let them out now then to let them continue to build and control you. Yeah, it sucks to breakdown at work, but, he said playing amateur psychologist, being a stoic about it and just accepting what's happening to you without both the rational thought you are putting into it and experiencing the feelings you are feeling isn't going to make you well. I have no idea if any of that made any sense...
Real point is "hang in there" and don't beat yourself up.
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Thank you. You are kind to say that to me. I do not know what I would do without this place and all of you who support me. I would have vented all of this to H, I suppose. That would not have served me well.
The DR says to be careful not to overlook the babysteps of positive reactions from the WAS, because it is those babysteps that will give us the motivation to keep going. Well, I am not getting any of those and it really hurts. A lot. I have not felt this bad or this low in weeks.
I feel like my world is falling to pieces and he is off to NY to see some shows, light as a feather. He also said in his email that he decided to spend the extra time there and see the shows because he deserves it. So to add insult to injury, the messed-up WAS knows how to take care of himself and finds the fortitude to do so, better than I can.
That's the cat's meow, right? He does the dumping yet makes sure to fill his social life and I cannot make myself go to one stinking meetup event.
How pathetic that I want someone who does not want me back. I feel like the awkward, stupid high school girl who cannot have the guy she wants, so she sits home waiting for him anyway and misses her whole life. How come I can see it but I cannot change it? Why am I so weak? Why do I want someone who treats me like he is treating me?
Beth, take it as a good sign that he responded and he seemed to be positive. Respond back tomorrow...Keep it light...maybe tell him to have fun in NY and tell him what you did with the garden...or what you are into now.
As we know, the more we GAL, as you are doing, the better this will draw him back.
Regarding begin solution oreinted...that is not limited to the legal profession. My biggest mistakes early on were due to my trying to find a solution that would work. That is the hardest thing about this process...there is not a button to push.
{{{Beth}}} I really wasn't trying to make you feel better as much as making you see that YOU do have value and worth and NO you are not stupid for wanting someone who doesn't seem to want you..YOU took your vows seriously and thought he did the same..because I feel the same way my friend! It is not weakness to be fighting for your marriage, it is inner strength (mules just posted that in a reply..so I totally just stole that line from him..but it is true and fits!)
As for handling this well..well you know what..YOU are totally allowed to handle this how you are handling it and, if a coworker was going thru what you are, you would not tell her not to cry at work or whatever..you would be sympathetic and understand that it is HELL what we are all going thru..I will GUARANTEE people around you that know your sitch, if there are any, think you are AMAZING..my friends here say I am so strong and I'm like "are you kidding?" LOL..because inside I don't FEEL strong most of the time..but the way you and I are handling things shows a TON about character..and sweetie..you've got it in spades!
However, YES he was a JERK to tell you that he was going away because he deserved it..what the heck man..LOL..if he deserves that, then you deserve a 2 week spa vacation or a trip around the world or something..at one point I got so mad about this sitch for me..I was like "what the heck..my hub has put me thru crap over the past 20 years too and now he wants to divorce ME???"
Maybe..this current email thing will help you drop the rope more than you think..if you look at it in some positive way, maybe that's it?
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
JWM - Thanks. I already responded, I did so right away. I just said that, of course he could contact me midweek. I just did not have it in me to be all sweetness and light and tell him to have fun in NY. I have tried that in past emails and it gets me nowhere. Strike that, it ends up hurting me because I cannot seem to master the no expectations thing.
Tawnya - Thank you. I really wish I felt strong. I feel really bad and cannot stop crying. I feel like my marriage ended today. Like I finally opened my eyes and saw what is really happening.
I'm not good at conveying emotion through e-mail so please bear with me because I have some difficult things to say to you:
1. Are you over-analysing what your husband is telling you? Who knows how much fun he's going to have in NYC. He could just as easily be putting on a brave face because you've sounded and looked so together lately.
I frequently find out (after the fact) that my h sometimes builds up what he is doing - to make himself feel better, probably. It's not easy for them either, really. They just don't want us to know at this point how hard it is for them.
2. If you had more of your own social plans is it possible this might bother you less?
3. One of the toughest DBing techniques for me is being my h's friend. That means that sometimes I get to hear about his giddy whirl of a social life. Like last night... and today (which is his 50th bday and hurts like heck for me). I try to tell myself that it's a good thing that my h shares this kind of stuff with me... it means that he is starting to trust me again, that he feels safe with me again.... still hard, I know. I haven't been able to do a stitch of work yet today and will probably pay for that through the weekend while I try to catch-up.
Your h, like mine, probably isn't the kind of guy who would tell you about "having fun" to make you feel bad. I don't believe that of my h. They're telling us for some other reason...not that we should be analysing that much anyway!
4. You are not, absolutely are not, anything less than an amazing woman for your dbing efforts. He's trying to take care of himself too right now, in the best way he knows how at this time. If he can really, really learn how to take care of himself and be healthier, he'll end up being a better partner for you. And you deserve that!
It's Friday... can you go home early and do something nice for yourself? I've called up a friend to come over and do Christmas baking with me tonight... just not an evening I want to be alone!
WIT - Thank you for the support. You convey emotion through email just fine.
I am very likely over-analyzing what H told me. I think I wrote it in an earlier post, that until someone else suggested it, it never even occurred to me that H might avoid me because he does not want me to see him in his current state. My starting point is always negative - H just does not want to see me. I think it is highly unlikely that he is even capable of having much fun in his current state.
I cannot argue one way or the other about whether I would be bothered less if I had more of my own social plans, because I just do not know. I know the consensus from those with more social activity is that it would make me feel better, so I really cannot dispute that, not really having tried. Part of the problem I have in motivating myself is that I really am a bad "joiner." I am a loner and it is really hard for me to get myself out there.
I do know this, I am always put into a tailspin when H travels. It really makes me feel like things are over. It shows me how easily he can pick up and go. When he adds fun activities into the mix, I really feel left behind.
As for the being friends, I hear you. I guess I do not feel like H and I are even to the friends stage yet. I do not know what we are, but it does not feel like friendship. You are right, mine would not tell me about having fun to hurt me. Also, the only signs I have given him have been that my life is going just fine and I am enjoying myself. So what is he supposed to say?
And thank you for taking the time out to help me when you are having your own issue today. I am glad you will have a friend to keep you company. My mom is in town now so, I will have her with me tonight. I also have a coaching session tonight. I am looking forward to that.
Something else that nags and naws at me is the thought/fear that H is going to NY with someone. I will not rehash everything here, suffice to say I seriously doubt there is OW. It's just there is no way to know for sure so, I read that he is off to NY for fun and that gets translated in my mind to off to NY for fling.
I think I need to take what you all are telling me into consideration, talk with my coach and then do some soul-searching to figure out what is best for me.
I am usually better at pulling myself out of the pit. Today is really rough for some reason.
