Thank you so much for your kind words and your efforts to help me feel better.
This just really hit me hard, you know? I am so bloody tired of it all, the feelings, the effort, the exhaustion, the endless crying, all of it.
My coach says we have to look at their actions and words for positive signs. I am so tired of doing this. I feel like I am just fooling myself. I really do not have any more ideas. I do not want to give up on H or our R but I really start to feel like I am just kidding myself.
As for the "reaching out" comment, if I know him at all, it is just to avoid saying "I'll email" you next week because that sounds so cold. It is cold and it is all he does, if anything, so why is he such a friggin' coward about calling it like he's doing it?
And you may be right that he may not actually have any fun and not want to admit it, but why tell me at all. It's cruel. He is cold, and selfish and I am so tired of loving him anyway. I am starting to lose respect for myself for loving someone who can treat me this way.
As for working for me. Maybe I am lying to myself about that to. How well can it be working for me if I cannot let go on move on, if I am crying daily and missing someone who clearly no longer cares about me.
Now I am the one who is pi$$ed that we cannot get divorced before next August. Not that I want that, I do not. I want what I cannot have, so I have to learn to want what I can have.
I am not doing well. I am not handling this well. I cannot keep having breakdowns at work.
