Yikes.... hit submit instead of checking the post!
It's sounds good that your ex wife is on more stable footing and that the new guy is grounding her. The rift between her and your daughter is something she hs to deal with and heal.
Your little girl had to do some fast growing up with her mother's aberrant behavior and needs to know she's safe and can be a kid. Well.. that's just what I think.. a counselor would know better. Kids come first.. period.
Water under the bridge now. I wished she had given me warning that she was going to inject new (and first for kids) BF into their lives so fully. Had she, I could have prepared and felt better about how I was handling things initially. Now, it is done and I think I did okay and am actually doing a good job now. I don't know if there are any other future 1st time "issues" we'll be tackling with the kids other than stuff from my side. I'm just glad that things aren't any worse than they already are. Could have gone better, but then again, isn't that normal?
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
Were you anything close to an a*hole? Do you think she's concerned about her actions.. interrupting/listening to a private conversation? Avoid the triangles. Keep it straight lines of communication.. you with your daughter, you with your ex-spouse. What's more important.. being a dad or smoothing your ex wife's feathers?
I wasn't even close to being an a$$hole. As a matter of fact I thought I was being quite nice about the whole deal and handling it well. X and D14 got in big fight. X took cell phone away. D14 called me on land line crying saying she wanted to come stay with me because of her Mom. I was calming her down and X picked up other line and listened, hearing just once sentence I guess. I finished convo with D14 then called X on her cell and explained context of what she had heard. I could really give a rat's a$$ about X's take on it but saw no need to leave it hanging like it was. She shouldn't have listened in to my convo with D14 but she did.
I have decided over the last month that I need to be there for my kids and be willing to talk with them openly, no matter how that affects the X. It has made things easier on me since it has more clearly defined what I should and should NOT worry about. Makes my life more simple.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
I always felt I was in the wrong in some way in my marriage. I always worried about how I screwed up.. rather than even pondering to think that I was doing a good job. Over time I accepted blame as being a constant.. and that I was at fault. This past week, I'm watching spouse deplete our 401k, blaming me for causing this.. not the attorney he picked who's demanding it.
Yep... know how you feel on this one. I've quit accepting the blame. I am trying to live me life for my kids and for myself, not worrying about how that affects the X. If she decides to blame me for anything, so be it. I'm doing the best I can in the situation that she put us all in. I'd like to see her do better if the roles were reversed.
We have snow here too Steve! I couldn't believe that it was sticking. Took me forever to get to work this morning, lots of ice on the road.
TOTALLY caught me off guard! I had to pick up D11 and her team mates to deliver them to an elementary school basketball game. It was sleating then (4PM). When game started (5PM) it was snowing hard. By 6PM it was slick as all get out. Drove to the gym to get my run in and when I came out the snow had turned to rain, roads were clear. Got back over to my end of town and it was snowing again, VERY hard this time! Thought plans for night with friends were cancelled so I was vegging on couch watching TV. Friend knocked on door at 9:30 and told me to get my butt up and showered! When we came home at midnight things weren't so bad. This morning at 6AM the roads were solid ice!
Alas... everything is melting off now. It'll probably be 65 and sunny by this afternoon! Such is weather in the South!
Steve, Sounds like you are striking the right balance. It's basically the same DBing technique of detaching from your (now X)S and focusing on you and the kids.
Never a bad plan!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Thinks are just moving along. Sent X an email about holiday schedule with kids last Thursday. Per court papers she would get them from the time they get out of school until noon on Christmas Day. I get them from then until they go back. Long story short they would be with her for 8 days and me for 12. Told her that if they weren't going out of town I would like to get them for a night in the middle of that. I did some switching for her over Thanksgiving and ended up not having them for 7 nights. Missed them a bunch and tried to get them for dinner in the middle. She wouldn't do it and said kids didn't want to go. Kids told me it was her not wanting them to go with me. Decided I wouldn't leave things to "chance" anymore and that we needed firm schedule. In email I told her I would like to get them one night and she could have them during my time if she wanted, but NOT required. She didn't answer, told me she would over weekend.
Kids came to me last Friday. Weekend went good. My D14 is a HS cheerleader and they were in the local Christmas Parade on Sunday. I met her at the end of the parade route and we had to drive back to the middle of the route to get her stuff from her friends car. She said her Mom and BF were close by. I figured I would "break the ice" and meet the BF since my D16 is so protective of me when other kids talk about him when I am around. D14, D11, and myself went over to where they were but he wasn't around. X was there with his two young kids. D11 got a bit upset afterwards because she said that her Mom was acting like theirs.
Rest of weekend went good and the kids went home w/ Mom after school on Monday. I had to drop their stuff they left at my place off at her place on Monday evening. X came out and we talked about Christmas presents for kids and she gave me verbal ok for getting the kids on Sunday night the 21st.
Yesterday morning I sent another email and sent her a text saying I had sent one to "confirm holiday schedule". I wanted her to be clear as to which night I wanted them. She replied back that there was "nothing to confirm". I called her and asked about what we had talked about the night before. She got upset because I only wanted them for one night, she understood it as being two. She said she would read my email and reply back to confirm. She hadn't done so by 9PM so I sent another text asking her, she said she would do it "shortly".
This morning still no response so I sent another text. She called and we talked about it. She was still pissy about the "one night instead of two" thing but said okay. I told her that the reason I was doing this via email was so that we were very clear on what was going on. She said she might want them during my 12 nights but doesn't know for sure since she might go on a trip. I told her fine, I would be willing to do whatever she wants as long it doesn't interfere with plans, but that I needed to know ahead of time so I could make my plans with kids. She said she prefers just playing things by ear.
My problem with "playing things by ear" goes back to the way things go when we do this, like during Thanksgiving. I always get the short end of the stick and she constantly wants me to pick them up early because she "has plans". It is always a bit of a fiasco and generally involves tension between us because of her shifting expectations.
Hopefully I wasn't wrong in asking her to deviate from the court plan then expecting her to be firm on the modified schedule. I was just trying to ensure some time with the kids and a known schedule so I could plan.
While you're busy adjusting the schedule be thankful that both you and their mother want to be actively involved in the childrens' lives. That's not always the case.
It'll probably be 65 and sunny by this afternoon! Such is weather in the South!